The Humor List

Digest for Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Three Mysteries For You To Solve (Mickey)
2. Cleaning Up (George Matyjewicz)
3. Cadillac surgery (country medical talk) (Grady Lacy)
4. Top Ten Signs of Global Warming (Sorry, "Climate Change") (Paul Benoit)
5. Q&A du jour (Maurizio Mariotti)

Message: 1
Date: Wed, 23 Jul 2014 07:36:37 -1000
From: Mickey
Subject: Three Mysteries For You To Solve

A man was found murdered Sunday morning. His wife immediately called the police.

The police questioned the wife and staff and got these answers:
The wife said she was sleeping.
The cook was preparing breakfast.
The gardener was gathering vegetables.
The maid was getting the mail.
The butler was polishing shoes in the pantry.

The police instantly arrested the murderer.

Who did it and how did they know?

A man walks into his bathroom and shoots himself right between the eyes using a real gun with real bullets.

He walks out alive, with no blood anywhere and no, he didn't miss and he wasn't Superman or any other crusader wearing a cape.

How did he do this?

Poor Mr. Teddy was found dead in his study by Mr. Fiend.

Mr. Fiend recounted his dismal discovery to the police: "I was walking by Mr. Teddy's house when I thought I would just pop in for a visit. I noticed that his study light was on and I decided to peek in from the outside to see if he was in there. There was frost on the window, so I had to wipe it away to see inside. That is when I saw his body. So I kicked in the front door to confirm my suspicions of foul play. I called the police immediately afterward."

The officer immediately arrested Mr. Fiend for the murder of Mr. Teddy.

How did he know Mr. Fiend was lying?

Try to figure these questions before looking at the answers below.

1. It was the Maid. She said she was getting the mail but there is no mail delivery on Sunday.

2. He shot his reflection in the bathroom mirror.

3. Frost forms inside of the window, not the outside. So Mr. Fiend could not have wiped it off to discover Mr. Teddy's body.

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Message: 2
Date: Wed, 23 Jul 2014 13:47:38 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Cleaning Up

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.

Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them.

The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.

The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.

That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.

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Message: 3
Date: Wed, 23 Jul 2014 23:12:28 -0400
From: Grady Lacy
Subject: Cadillac surgery (country medical talk)

"Me-Maw, when did you start having so much trouble with your eyes?"

"Oh, I've had Cadillacs on my eyes for 10 years now. I cain't get 'em fix-did 'cause Crazy Aint Carrie will steal my pain pills. She's already been banned from the pain clinics in a three-county area. I cain't let her git me in trouble. Bless her heart - I think she got hooked on Oxycondoms after they gave her that croat-a-zone for her bron-I-cal tubes."

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Message: 4
Date: Thu, 24 Jul 2014 07:05:02 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Top Ten Signs of Global Warming (Sorry, "Climate Change")

10. "Can't see the forest for the trees" doesn't make any sense anymore.
9. Hurricanes in Kuwait.
8. You can't read your thermometer because it has melted.
7. Nevada becomes West Coast.
6. You need to "catch a wave" to get to work.
5. The Eiffel Tower becomes "that short, pointy thing in the water".
4. Your husband no longer says, "fish for dinner again???"
3. Monopoly money becomes actual currency.
2. Dust masks start trending.
And the Number One Sign of Global Warming

1. Hell has actually frozen over.

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Message: 5
Date: Thu, 24 Jul 2014 14:20:54 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Q&A du jour

Q: How many Academics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert