The Humor List
 

Digest for Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Don't Owe You Anything (George Matyjewicz)
2. Dear Diary (Maurizio Mariotti)
3. PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS (Stan Kegel)
4. Who Says I'm Old?!? (Paul Benoit)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Tue, 22 Jul 2014 12:24:20 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Don't Owe You Anything

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please."

The bartender hands him the drink, and says, "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"

The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

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Message: 2
Date: Wed, 23 Jul 2014 10:07:31 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Dear Diary

[Excerpted from Pauly's secret diary]

Dear Diary,
I still remember when I was much younger and had long walks on the beach with my girlfriend.

Then the LSD wore off and I realized I was dragging a store mannequin round a mall car park.

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Message: 3
Date: Wed, 23 Jul 2014 02:39:40 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS

RIDDLES
What kind of clothes do cows wear?
They always wear Jerseys..

How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring

Why are jazz musicians so sweet?
Because they play in jam sessions.

What often runs around a back yard?
A fence

Why aren't snakes highly paid?
Because they work for scale (Lederer & Ertner)
++++++++++++++++

PUNS & SHORT JOKES
* When Peter Pan punches, they Neverland.
* When a rich man bought a car he had nothing to chauffeur it.
* A friend said, "I quit smoking cold turkey." I said, "What do you smoke now, cold ham?"
* When it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing.
* "Dad, I want to play our piano but I can't open the lids." "Of course, you can't; the keys are inside."
++++++++++++++++

PUN SERIES - ADS
* Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
* Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
* Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting off head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
* Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
* For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
* Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
++++++++++++++++

GROANERS & LONG JOKES
For construction job workers, here's proof
That they're regular guys, not aloof.
Each party's fantastic.
They're enthusiastic
And it's shown when the guys raise the roof.
(Kirk Miller)

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Message: 4
Date: Wed, 23 Jul 2014 07:50:48 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Who Says I'm Old?!?

Happy Mmphty-Third Birthday, Perfesser!!!!

[excerpted from The Old Perfesser's diary]

Dear Diary,
Travelling to see historical sites ain't so much fun when many of the sites are younger than you are.

- The Old Perfesser

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