The Humor List
 

Digest for Sunday, July 20, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. News and responses <political> (Lee Bradley)
2. The Telegram (George Matyjewicz)
3. Dog for sale (Richard Nehrbass)
4. What deep thinkers men are (Lanny Julian)
5. WTF? <language> (Paul Benoit)
6. 6 Californias (Lee Bradley)
7. Good news, bad news (Maurizio Mariotti)
8. Why Many Pilots Often Prefer Airplanes Over Women (Lanny Julian)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Sun, 20 Jul 2014 12:52:08 -0400
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: News and responses <political>

News:
Mitt Romney is 2016 frontrunner in New Hampshire, crushing GOP presidential field

GOP Response:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Demo Response:
YEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!

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Message: 2
Date: Sun, 20 Jul 2014 15:31:04 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: The Telegram

Simba, my 200 lb South African Boerboel went to a telegram office to send a note back home. He took out a blank form and wrote, "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."

"But," Simba replied, "that would make no sense at all."

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Message: 3
Date: Sun, 20 Jul 2014 17:06:23 -0700
From: Richard Nehrbass
Subject: Dog for sale

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so ... I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.

I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a Bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard!"

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Message: 4
Date: Sun, 20 Jul 2014 21:33:06 -0400
From: Lanny Julian
Subject: What deep thinkers men are

I mowed the lawn today and, after doing so, I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said, "Nothing" instead of saying, "Just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"

At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions. Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the gonads? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the gonads, but how could they "know?"

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the gonads is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really "know," here is the reason for my conclusion:

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child?"

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the gonads."

I rest my case. Time for another beer and then maybe a nap in that hammock.

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Message: 5
Date: Mon, 21 Jul 2014 07:09:34 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: WTF? <language>

I was asked why I use the F-Bomb so much ...
I replied, "What the fuck is an 'F-Bomb'?"

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Message: 6
Date: Mon, 21 Jul 2014 07:52:56 -0400
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: 6 Californias

Late-braking News Network

LBNN-Sacramento. The plan to split California into six states gets enough signatures to appear on 2016 ballot. Signers, however, reject "boring" names of South, West, Central, and North California; Silicon Valley; and Jefferson. New petition suggests Aztl'n, Disneyana, Apple Valley, Cannabia, Celebrity, and Hemings.

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Message: 7
Date: Mon, 21 Jul 2014 14:36:14 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Good news, bad news

"I have good news and bad news," the defense lawyer says to his client.

"What's the bad news?"

The lawyer says, "Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene."

"Dammit!" cries the client. "What's the good news?"

"Well," the lawyer says, "Your cholesterol is down to 140."

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Message: 8
Date: Mon, 21 Jul 2014 11:28:06 -0400
From: Lanny Julian
Subject: Why Many Pilots Often Prefer Airplanes Over Women

* Airplanes usually kill you quickly; a woman takes her time.
* Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
* Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go."
* Airplanes don't object to a pre-flight inspection.
* Airplanes come with a manual to explain their operation.
* Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.
* Airplanes can be flown at any time of the month.
* Airplanes don't come with in-laws.
* Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flown before.
* Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
* Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.
* Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.
* Airplanes expect to be tied down.
* Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.
* Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
* However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's usually not good.

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