The Humor List
 

Digest for Saturday, July 19, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Bright Idea (George Matyjewicz)
2. MONSTERS ON THE LOOSE (Stan Kegel)
3. He's Here!! (Paul Benoit)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Sat, 19 Jul 2014 23:24:55 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Bright Idea

Glenn and Scott are bungee-jumping one day when Glenn has a brainstorm, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

Scott agrees that it would be a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

When everything is ready Glenn gives it a test jump. When he bounces at the end of the cord and comes back up, Scott notices that Glenn has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the Scott isn't able catch him, so Glenn falls again, bounces, and then comes back up.

This time, Glenn is bruised and bleeding. Again, Scott misses him. Glenn goes down again and this time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

On the next attempt, Scott finally catches him and pulls him in. "What happened?" he asks. "Was the cord too long?"

Glenn catches his breath and replies, "No, the cord was fine, but tell me ... what the heck is a pinata?"

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Message: 2
Date: Sun, 20 Jul 2014 03:00:27 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: MONSTERS ON THE LOOSE

We human beings are fascinated by monsters. We love reading about monsters. We love playing with monster action figures
and dolls. We love watching monsters at the movies and on TV. We love playing monster video games.

Why are we so attracted to monsters?

We are somehow drawn to their ugliness. Monsters are ghastly, grotesque, gruesome, hair-raising, hideous, horrifying, and downright yucky creatures. They are so ugly that their own shadows run away from them. They are so ugly that when they look in a mirror, their reflection looks back and screams. And they are so ugly that when they appear in Star Wars movies, they don't wear costumes:

One, two,
Ghosts go "Boo!"
Three, four,
Zombie gore.
Five, six,
King Kong's tricks.
Seven, eight,
Yetis skate.
Nine, ten,
Werewolf's den.
Eleven, twelve,
Ghouls dig, delve.
Thirteen, fourteen,
Cyclops snorting.
Fifteen, sixteen,
Witch's mix green.
Seventeen, eighteen,
Fiends gyrating.
Nineteen, twenty,
Freaks aplenty.

Excerpted from Richard Lederer's Monsters Unchained!

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Message: 3
Date: Sun, 20 Jul 2014 08:40:45 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: He's Here!!

When the minister and his wife visited our neighbor, her four-year-old daughter answered the door.

"Mom!" she yelled toward the living room. "God's here, and he brought his girlfriend!"

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