The Humor List

Digest for Friday, July 18, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Use of the Car (George Matyjewicz)
2. Banking Issues (Anna Welander)
3. The Swollen Leg (Stan Kegel)
4. Email You Hope You Never Get (Paul Benoit)
5. Late-braking news: SC <adult> (Lee Bradley)

Message: 1
Date: Fri, 18 Jul 2014 13:32:20 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Use of the Car

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him , "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.."

To which his father replied. "Yes, and they WALKED everywhere they went!"

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Message: 2
Date: Fri, 18 Jul 2014 20:43:55 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Banking Issues

Working at the call center of a major bank, I deal with customer complaints. A very irate customer called one day to declare, "My new computer banking software doesn't work."

While trying to determine the problem, I eventually realized the software was working perfectly. I began to explain this when the customer interrupted me, saying, "But money isn't coming out of the printer!"

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Message: 3
Date: Sat, 19 Jul 2014 03:45:41 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: The Swollen Leg

One afternoon, as Moshe Levy returns home, he slips on the pavement and hurts his leg. He phones Dr. Jacobs immediately.

"Oy veh, doctor," says Moshe, "have I hurt my leg! What should I do?"

"So tell me already," asks Dr. Jacobs, "what exactly are your symptoms?"

Moshe explains his symptoms to Dr. Jacobs, such as where the leg pain is and how swollen it is. Then, after a short period of silence, Dr. Jacobs says, "You should soak your leg in hot water."

Moshe thanks the doctor, runs a hot bath and spends the next 30 minutes keeping his bad leg under the hot water. But the leg swells up even more, causing Moshe to moan out loud.

Moshe's housekeeper hears his moaning, knocks on the bathroom door, and asks him if he's alright. Moshe tells her what Dr. Jacobs had told him to do. But that's not right, Mr. Levy," says his housekeeper. "Everyone knows that you should bathe swollen limbs in cold water, not hot. That why it's not getting better."

Moshe thanks her, lets the hot water out the bath and refills it with cold water. Bathing his leg in the cold water helps a lot and the swelling quickly subsides.

After drying himself and getting dressed, Moshe leaves the bathroom and phones Dr. Jacobs. "What kind of doctor are you? You tell me to soak my injured leg in hot water, and it swells up even more. But then my housekeeper tells me I should have been soaking it in cold, not hot water. And when I do this, my leg gets better."

"I don't understand it," says Dr. Jacobs, "my housekeeper distinctly told me you should soak a swollen leg in hot water!"

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Message: 4
Date: Sat, 19 Jul 2014 08:20:25 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Email You Hope You Never Get

Sorry I got so drunk and ended up getting really mouthy and offensive and then barfed in the hot tub at your birthday party, dude.

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Message: 5
Date: Sat, 19 Jul 2014 10:36:04 -0400
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: late-braking news: SC <adult>

KKK hands out kandy on National Night Ride: kustom kandy wrappers say "SAVE OUR LAND, JOIN THE KLAN"

Some shocked locals respond, "AS YOU PASS, KISS MY ASS."

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert