The Humor List

Digest for Thursday, July 17, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Moonshine (George Matyjewicz)
2. The Fingers <gruesome> (Maurizio Mariotti)
3. More Realistic Video Game Titles (Paul Benoit)
4. Notable quotes by wise men (Grady Lacy)
5. Two guesses (Lee Bradley)

Message: 1
Date: Thu, 17 Jul 2014 12:05:27 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Moonshine

A young man was hitchhiking down south and a farmer driving an old pickup truck stopped to give him a lift.

As they were driving, the farmer started bragging about how good the local moonshine whiskey was. The young man told the farmer that he didn't drink very much, and that moonshine would probably be too strong for his tastes.

"Nonsense!" said the farmer. "You gotta try some." He fished around behind him and finally produced a small jug. "Here," he said, handing the jar to the lad. "Take a drink!"

"Oh, no thanks," said the young man. "I really don't think I care for any."

"No, I insist," pressed the farmer. "Have some."

"No, thanks - really," said the young man.

The farmer wasn't going to take no for an answer. He stopped the truck and grabbed his shotgun from the rack in back. He pointed the gun at the lad and roared, "I said, take a drink!"

"Okay! Okay!" said the young man. He took a few swallows and instantly realized just how powerful the stuff was. His throat muscles tightened, his eyes watered, and he made a choking sound.

"What do you think of it?" asked the farmer. "Good, ain't it?"

"Yeah," gasped the lad, afraid he would be forced to drink more if he disagreed, "I guess so."

Then the farmer handed the young man the shotgun and grinned. "Here! Now, you hold the gun on me and make me drink some!"

PS. Just a bit of information for those wanting to try shine. It takes 96 hours for shine to cure. So, in order to get it out faster and not get caught, they add Clorox to cure it in 48 hours. Problem is you don't know if it will cure the shine or kill you.

Return to Topics Return to Daily Topics Return to Monthly Index

Message: 2
Date: Fri, 18 Jul 2014 10:52:41 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: The Fingers <gruesome>

A man working with an electric saw accidentally cuts off all of his fingers. At the emergency room, his doctor says, "Give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."

The injured man replies, "But I don't have the fingers!"

"Why didn't you bring them?" the doctor asks.

"I couldn't pick them up."

Return to Topics Return to Daily Topics Return to Monthly Index

Message: 3
Date: Fri, 18 Jul 2014 08:02:10 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: More Realistic Video Game Titles

- Guitar Hero: You Still Aren't A Musician
- Grand Theft Auto: There's No Way You'd Actually Get Away With Any of That
- Super Desperate Plumber Who Wants To Bone A Princess
- Madden NFL: The Only Way You'll Ever Play In The NFL
- Duck Hunt: How Close Can I Get My Gun To The Screen?
- Streets Of Rage UK: Mild Tutting As Someone Pushes Ahead In The Queue
- Pac-Man Gets Chased By All the Ghosts Of His Past Mistakes
- Super Mario Brothers: 2 Italian Plumbers Doing Mushrooms And Killing Turtles
- Sonic The Thing That Barely Looks Like A Hedgehog
- DanceDanceRevolution: Fat Virgin Exercise Machine
- World Of Wasted Time Craft
- Grand Theft Autopsy
- Pokemon: Kidnap Wild Animals & Make Them Fight
- Call Of Duty: Learn Racial Slurs From 13YO Kids Online
- I'm Gonna Shoot That Damn Dog That Laughs Every Time I Miss The Ducks
- Just Okay Mario Brothers
- Madden NFL: Concussions '14
- Grand Theft Auto: Minorities Are Drug Dealers
- Final Fantasy: Until The Next One Comes Out

Return to Topics Return to Daily Topics Return to Monthly Index

Message: 4
Date: Fri, 18 Jul 2014 09:36:18 -0400
From: Grady Lacy
Subject: Notable quotes by wise men

"The problem with quotes on the internet is you can never tell if they're genuine." - Winston Churchill

"The greatest thing about the internet is that you can quote something and just totally make up the source." - Benjamin Franklin

Return to Topics Return to Daily Topics Return to Monthly Index

Message: 5
Date: Fri, 18 Jul 2014 10:02:27 -0400
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: Two guesses

Maury goes over to Pauly's house, knocks at the door, and, when Pauly opens, says, "Hi, Pauly, I'll bet you a thousand dollars you'll never guess why I've come over. You've got two guesses."

Pauly says, "You've come to pay me back for my loan of last week to you."

"Nope," says Maury, "guess again."

"You've come to borrow more money."

"Nope," says Maury, "wrong again! Now pay me that thousand dollars."

Return to Topics Return to Daily Topics Return to Monthly Index

Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert