The Humor List
 

Digest for Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. The Best Years (George Matyjewicz)
2. Bank robbers! (Anna Welander)
3. Lawyer Q and A (Anna Welander)
4. Refusing to Take the Blame (Anna Welander)
5. Lawyers' Award (Anna Welander)
6. World Cup (Richard Nehrbass)
7. How to Interpret Employment Ads (Anna Welander)
8. Corruption Trial (Anna Welander)
9. Some Equations Suck (Paul Benoit)
10. PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS (Stan Kegel)
11. Bed and Breakfast <LGBTQ humor> (Lee Bradley)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Wed, 16 Jul 2014 12:21:18 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: The Best Years

Recently a large seminar was held for ministers in training. Among the guests were many well-known motivational speakers.

One trainee boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which went over well.

About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "... and I can't remember who she was!"

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Message: 2
Date: Wed, 16 Jul 2014 22:22:02 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Bank robbers!

Santa and Banta decided to rob a bank but during the process of the robbery they messed it up, but they do managing to escape with two sacks that they find on the floor. They take one sack each. After a while they meet again and one asks the other .

Santa: What did you find in your sack?

Banta: Ten lakh Rupees!

Santa: Wow. that's a lot of money!' What did you do with the cash?

Banta: I bought a house. How about your sack?

Santa: It was full of bills.

Banta: And what did you do with them?

Santa: Eh, well, little by little, I'm paying them off.

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Message: 3
Date: Wed, 16 Jul 2014 22:22:49 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Lawyer Q and A

Q: How do you prevent a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

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Message: 4
Date: Wed, 16 Jul 2014 22:28:14 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Refusing to Take the Blame

As we head into for the holidays, a friend of mine sent me some of my favorite candy. He sent two pounds. Of course, I had to send a proper thank-you message. We chat a lot by e-mail, so that's how I sent it. The subject line was "I'm personally blaming you" and inside it continues "...for my holiday weight gain...." His reply was priceless. You can sort of tell he provides services for attorneys:

THIS IS AN AUTO-RESPONDER MESSAGE

PLEASE EXCUSE THE DELAY IN THIS RESPONSE; OUR SERVERS ARE OVERLOADED WITH AUTO-RESPONSES FOR MESSAGES TO OUR DOMAINS CONTAINING THE SUBJECT: "I'm personally blaming you"

We are sorry that due to the extremely large volume of messages blaming Delbert D. Mactavish, his corporations, employees, affiliates and minions, we are unable to respond individually to your complaints.

Please be aware that we are extremely sympathetic to your concerns. We wish to sincerely apologize for any or all of the following conditions that may or may not have been directly or indirectly caused by any action or inaction of Mr. Russell D. Waters, his corporations, employees, affiliates, minions or any other construed or inconstrued agencies:

1. Unexpected pregnancy
2. Computer crashes
3. Sudden weight gain or loss
4. Dizziness
5. Urge to sign up for Hotmail
6. Desire to upgrade to Windows 8
7. Affection for the latest iPhone
8. ADD
9. ADHD
10. Any other physical, emotional, mental or extraterrestrial disorder

While our court supervised bankruptcy status will not permit remuneration now or in the future, we do deeply regret any suffering even remotely caused by our negligence, malpractice or premature rebooting.

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Message: 5
Date: Wed, 16 Jul 2014 22:31:32 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Lawyers' Award

At an annual Bosses Night dinner for Helena, Montana, lawyers, sponsored by legal secretaries, it was time to announce the Boss of the Year. The master of ceremonies began: "First of all, our winner is a graduate of the University of Montana. So that already eliminates some of you as candidates. Our winner also is a partner in a downtown Helena law firm. That eliminates some more of you. Our nominee is honest, upright, dedicated ..."

A voice from the audience cut in: "Well, there go the rest of us!"

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Message: 6
Date: Wed, 16 Jul 2014 14:31:06 -0700
From: Richard Nehrbass
Subject: World Cup

After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup the Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil.

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

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Message: 7
Date: Thu, 17 Jul 2014 12:10:44 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: How to Interpret Employment Ads

"Competitive Salary" - We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"Join Our Fast Paced Company" - We have no time to train you.

"Casual Work Atmosphere" - We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up.

"Must be Deadline Oriented" - You will be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"Some Overtime Required" - Some time each night, sometime each weekend.

"Duties will Vary" - Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"Must have an Eye for Detail" - We have no quality control.

"Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience" - You will need to replace three people who just left.

"Problem Solving Skills a Must" - You are walking into a company in perpetual chaos. Haven't heard a word from anyone out there. Your first task is to find out what is going on.

"Requires Team Leadership Skills" - You will have the responsibilities of a manager without the pay or respect.

"Good Communication Skills" - Management communicates poorly, so you have to figure out what they want and do it.

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Message: 8
Date: Thu, 17 Jul 2014 12:19:02 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Corruption Trial

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

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Message: 9
Date: Thu, 17 Jul 2014 07:23:38 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Some Equations Suck

The Romans didn't find algebra very challenging, because X was always 10.

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Message: 10
Date: Thu, 17 Jul 2014 05:43:55 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS

RIDDLES
What did the antique car's carburetor say to the engine?
"I guess the choke's on me."

What kind of plane would a snake fly?
A Boeing Constrictor.

What did the skunk say when the wind turned?
"It all comes back to me now."

Why didn't the teddy bear eat dessert?
Because he was stuffed.

What expression should you never use around a leper?
"It's gonna cost you an arm and a leg."
++++++++++++++++

PUNS & SHORT JOKES
- There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal
- My plumber tried to sell me new pipes. I asked, "Water they needed for?" (Cynthia MacGregor)
- A stone mason who misspells a word on a tombstone is engrave trouble.
- A window cleaner's boss often did spot checks.
- When Junior skipped his piano lesson, he had to face the music.
++++++++++++++++

GROANERS & LONG JOKES
"A split of your assets seems right,"
Said the judge to the couple's delight,
"But I'm taking the collie
Away 'cause, by golly,
I won't halve a dog in this fight."
(Chris Doyle)

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Message: 11
Date: Thu, 17 Jul 2014 10:00:03 -0400
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: Bed and Breakfast <LGBTQ humor>

A traveling salesman stopped over one evening at a bed & breakfast he
had often seen on his route, and he had always been curious about its name, Two Queens Inn, wondering if it had an English theme or what.

He found the regular b&b, nicely appointed and providing everything he could have expected. The next morning he was served breakfast by the proprietor himself, a large burly man who looked more like a truck driver or blacksmith than an innkeeper. "Tell me, friend, about the name of your b&b."

"Oh, I dunno," said the innkeeper, "it's something fanciful that the little lady invented just after we were married. She can explain it to you herself." And he yells toward the kitchen, "Come here a sec, will you, Albert?"

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