The Humor List

Digest for Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. School Troubles (George Matyjewicz)
2. THE DEBT CEILING (language/political) (Mickey)
3. Jimmy Cracks Corn, Gets 20 Years <language> (Paul Benoit)
4. A Death in the Family <stereotypical> (Maurizio Mariotti)
5. Late for w*rk (Lee Bradley)

Message: 1
Date: Tue, 15 Jul 2014 12:10:00 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: School Troubles

When I arrived for my daughter's parent-teacher conference, the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling me that my little girl didn't always pay attention in class and was sometimes a little flighty. "For example, she'll do the wrong page in the workbook," the teacher explained, "and I've even found her sitting in the wrong desk."

"I don't understand that," I replied defensively. "Where could she have gotten that?"

The teacher went on to reassure me that my daughter was still doing fine in school and was sweet and likeable. Finally, after a pause, she added, "By the way, Mrs. Johnson, our appointment was for tomorrow."

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Message: 2
Date: Tue, 15 Jul 2014 10:53:02 -1000
From: Mickey
Subject: THE DEBT CEILING (language/political)

I love it when a complicated situation can be explained in such simple terms!

* Democrats don't understand THE DEBT CEILING
* Republicans don't understand THE DEBT CEILING
* Liberals don't understand THE DEBT CEILING

* SO, allow me to explain.

Let's say you come home from work and find there has been a sewer backup in your neighborhood.
Your home has sewage all the way up to your ceiling.

What do you think you should do --
1. Raise the ceiling, or
2. Pump out the shit?

Your choice is coming in November

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Message: 3
Date: Wed, 16 Jul 2014 07:20:53 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Jimmy Cracks Corn, Gets 20 Years <language>

(Hambone, Alabama)-Jimmy was sentenced to 20 years for cracking corn as if no one cared. According to witnesses, Jimmy was observed cracking corn and repeatedly asked to stop, but refused.

"I saw Jimmy sitting over there on that bench cracking corn in front of everybody like a mad man," said one witness who testified against Jimmy. "If you want to crack corn, that's your own business, but you shouldn't be doing that kind of stuff in public!" he said.

A long-time friend said that Jimmy was convinced no one cared if he cracked corn or not. "I think back in the 90's, no one cared if you cracked corn. But times have changed," she said. When asked if she had ever cracked corn with Jimmy, she declined comment.

Others recall Jimmy's corn cracking days began after he came back from the Peace Corps. "Jimmy could probably crack corn in the Corps and no one cared. But we're God-fearing people in Hambone and we don't cotton to no corn-cracking around here," said a local pastor.

Not everyone agreed with the verdict. The owner of an adult bookstore just beyond the county line recalls Jimmy well. "Jimmy used to crack corn in here all the time and I didn't care as long as he bought something. Hell, cracking corn ain't hurting anybody."

Jimmy is considered a first time offender, never in any trouble except for a minor curds and whey incident with Miss Muffet, merchandise manager at the local Hobby Lobby. As such, Jimmy will probably be eligible for parole in 7 years with good behavior.

Hambone's police chief hoped that Jimmy could be rehabilitated in prison. "Jimmy obviously suffers from the inability to comprehend that people care when you crack corn. This ain't Birmingham. We're a small town with small town values."

Also in local news, Peter Pumpkineater was questioned and then released Sunday for kidnapping and false imprisonment of his estranged wife.

According to law enforcement authorities, "That'll keep that uppity bit*ch in her place!"

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Message: 4
Date: Wed, 16 Jul 2014 14:48:17 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: A Death in the Family <stereotypical>

A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"

She says, "My mom died."

He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."

Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"

She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died too!"

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Message: 5
Date: Wed, 16 Jul 2014 08:48:02 -0400
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: Late for w*rk

This guy shows up LATE, LATE, LATE for work, and the boss has been waiting for him all morning: "All right, Pauly, what's the reason that you're TWO hours late for work this morning? Time is money!"

"Sorry, Boss, but I fell off my balcony this morning."

"And on which floor do you live, Pauly?"

"On the 7th boss."

"You fell six or seven floors ... and you'll have me believe that it took you TWO HOURS?"

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert