The Humor List
 

Digest for Sunday, July 13, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. The Robot <adultish> (George Matyjewicz)
2. Might as well (Anna Welander)
3. Breaking News (Maurizio Mariotti)
4. Breaking News <adultish/political> (Maurizio Mariotti)
5. It's Vacation Time (Paul Benoit)
6. The Police Dog <adultish> (Mickey)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Sun, 13 Jul 2014 12:09:43 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: The Robot <adultish>

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some homework." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching movies with topless women."

Dad says, "What? At your age I would never have done anything like that." The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother.

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Message: 2
Date: Sun, 13 Jul 2014 21:58:10 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Might as well

My dog chewed the tongue on one of my new, expensive running shoes. I hoped to save my investment, so I took the sneakers to a shoe repair shop. I placed them on the counter and told the man, "My dog got hold of this."

The repairman picked up the shoe, looked it over, and placed it back down on the counter. "Well, what do you recommend?" I asked.

He looked at me and replied, "Give your dog the other shoe."

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Message: 3
Date: Mon, 14 Jul 2014 08:55:28 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Breaking News

Pope Francis, an Argentinean, and Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI, a German, come to blows after the Argentina-Germany soccer final, schism in the Catholic Church a possibility.

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Message: 4
Date: Mon, 14 Jul 2014 09:18:51 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Breaking News <adultish/political>

New song "Besa mi culo, Argentina" goes instantly to the top of German charts.

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Message: 5
Date: Mon, 14 Jul 2014 07:57:13 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: It's Vacation Time

THE TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE AT A BAD WATER PARK
from The Late Show with David Letterman
(c) MMV, CBS Broadcasting Inc. All Rights Reserved.

10. It's bring-your-own chlorine
9. Dress code: business casual
8. Changing room is also the manager's office
7. Thanks to lawsuit, now call themselves a "Liquid Park"
6. It's Dick Cheney's goons with a bucket of water and a blindfold
5. Twenty dollar surcharge for urine-free pool
4. It's just you and a guy named Stavros in his jacuzzi
3. Bikini-clad seniors ride for free
2. When giving CPR, lifeguard never knows where to blow

And the Number One Sign You're At A Bad Water Park....

1. Log flume dumps you out on I-95
++++++++++++++++

TOP FIVE PLACES YOU SHOULD PROBABLY CROSS OFF YOUR VACATION LIST
- Tim Hunter, WackyWeek.com

1. Measles World
2. Lego's from the doctor's office Land
3. Semi-Safe Trampoline World
4. That Alligator Petting Zoo
5. Poison Ivy Park

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Message: 6
Date: Mon, 14 Jul 2014 03:37:06 -1000
From: Mickey
Subject: The Police Dog <adultish>

A man had just boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog. His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. "I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, "Watch this." He told Sniffer to 'Search'. Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm. The Policeman said, "Good boy," and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."

"Gee, that's pretty good," replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. "Two paws means that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police," the Policeman said.

"I like it!" said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'Search' again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place. The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that. So, he asked the Policeman, "What's going on?"

The Policeman nervously replied, "He's just found a bomb!"

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