The Humor List
 

Digest for Saturday, July 12, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. The Diagnosis (George Matyjewicz)
2. Nervous <poss religiously offensive> (Paul Benoit)
3. The Unconcerned Widow <macabre> (Maurizio Mariotti)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Sat, 12 Jul 2014 22:53:45 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: The Diagnosis

While making rounds, a doctor pointed out an X-ray to a group of medical students.

"As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?"

"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."

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Message: 2
Date: Sun, 13 Jul 2014 08:02:48 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Nervous <poss religiously offensive>

Father Dan, a new priest, was so nervous before his first mass that he couldn't get a word out of his mounth, so he asked the Bishop for an advice. The Bishop told him he should put two drops of tequila in a glass of water before he starts, so of course, he does that.

Father Dan thought his preaching went very well. He was so calm that not even a hurricane could have interrupted him.

Mass ends, he goes in his office, and on his desk he finds this letter from the Bishop:

Dear Father Dan,
I have a few complaints about today's mass, and I really hope it doesn't happen again:

1. That little hut next to the altar is a confessional, *not* a toilet.
2. There are 10 commandments and not "around 12".
3. There were 12 apostles, not "around 7".
4. You don't need to put any salsa on the host.
5. We don't name Jesus and the apostles "J.C. and the gang".
6. David killed Goliath by slinging a stone at his head, and not by making him high on cocaine.
7. We don't call Judas "son of a bitch" and the Pope "El Padrino".
8. Osama bin Laden had no connection with the death of Jesus.
9. The holy water is not there to wash your hands and face, but for blessing.
10. I don't even want to know why you drank the wine in one sip, then licked some salt and bit the lemon.
11. You don't pray by sitting on a stair and putting your feet on the bible.
12. Noah made an ark, *not* an off-shore racing boat.
13. Abraham wasn't "Papa Smurf".
14. The "bitch with the small tits" is the Virgin Mary. There is no need to kiss and hug her statue all the time.
15. That "freak" above the altar is Jesus. And he doesn't just hang around there, he was nailed to the cross.
16. The guy in the corner who you named "the transvestite fagot in a long skirt" was me.
17. Next time, put two drops of tequila in a glass of water and not the other way around.

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Message: 3
Date: Sun, 13 Jul 2014 15:24:40 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: The Unconcerned Widow <macabre>

An old man and woman hate each other, but remain married for years. During their shouting fights, the old man constantly warns his wife, "If I die first, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

One day, the man abruptly dies. After the burial, the wife goes straight to the local bar and begins to party. Her friends ask if she isn't worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave.

The wife smiles, "Let the old bugger dig. I had him buried upside down."

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