The Humor List

Digest for Thursday, July 10, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. I Think I Saw a Boob <language/adult> (Emko Witteveen)
2. Smart Business Boy (George Matyjewicz)
3. How To Lie To The Bathroom Scales (Anna Welander)
4. Suitable name (Anna Welander)
5. Things NOT to say in an interview (Anna Welander)
6. Breaking News (Maurizio Mariotti)
7. A well-adjusted woman (Paul Benoit)

Message: 1
Date: Thu, 10 Jul 2014 10:37:26 -0600
From: Emko Witteveen
Subject: I Think I Saw a Boob <language/adult>

Ah, yes. It's getting late, Mom and Dad aren't yet back from their late dinner, little brother's asleep in bed, so you take a chance. You flip through the channels to find those peach-colored zig-zag lines and the static buzz that clears up occasionally to allow the sounds of the grunts and moans and the slap of flesh on flesh.

Feverishly you jiggle the cable wire just so, hoping to get the picture to come in clearly for just a minute, nervously keeping one eye on the steps in case little brother wakes up and an ear cocked for the sound of the car pulling up in the driveway. You know what's just behind those jumbled images on the screen and it drives you almost wild knowing you are justthisclose to seeing real live sex on TV.

And just as you can't stand it any more, your heart pounding and your throat dry, just when your sweet imagination carries you off, the picture clears up for just that one brief shining moment, and you realize you're fapping to the Mexican wrestling channel.

The amount of beauty required launch 1 ship = 1 Millihelen

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Message: 2
Date: Thu, 10 Jul 2014 12:37:31 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Smart Business Boy

One day a boy saw a farmer selling a donkey for $100.00. The boy told the farmer he would pay the money if the farmer could deliver it to his house. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day but when he arrived at the boy's house there was no donkey.

He told the boy that the donkey died during the night. Saddened, the boy asked for his money back. "I'm afraid I have already spent the money," the farmer said.

"Well, then just give me the donkey," said the boy.

"What are you going to do with a dead donkey?" asked the farmer. The boy told the farmer he would think of something, so the farmer delivered the donkey the next day.

The next month the farmer saw the boy and asked him what he ever did with the donkey. "I made $895.00 off of that thing," the boy said.

"How could you make that much money off of a dead donkey?" the farmer wanted to know.

The boy said, "I didn't tell anyone he was dead at first. I just put up signs around town that said I was going to raffle off a beautiful donkey for raffle tickets that cost $5.00 and I sold 200 tickets."

"Wait a minute," said the farmer, "you said you made $895.00 but if you sold 200 tickets at $5.00 each that's $1,000.00. After you subtract the $100.00 you paid me you should have made $900.00!"

"You're right," said the boy, "But when the winner found out the donkey was dead he was a little upset so I gave him his money back."

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Message: 3
Date: Thu, 10 Jul 2014 20:59:48 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: How To Lie To The Bathroom Scales

1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner ... as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it's nice to see how much weight you've lost overnight.

2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.

3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.

4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off ... to your advantage, of course.

5. Always go to the bathroom first.

6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter. (Waving them is optional but occasionally helps)

7. Don't eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you've weighed in, completely naked, of course.

8. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).

9. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?)

10. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped on normally.

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Message: 4
Date: Thu, 10 Jul 2014 21:40:14 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Suitable name

My family has a tradition of naming the cruise control on our cars. We were used to hearing my father proclaim, "Take it, Max," as he flipped on the cruise control during long trips in our station wagon. Recently, I was traveling with my parents in their new car when we hit a wide open expanse of highway.

My dad leaned back and said, "I think I'll let Tom drive for a while."

"Tom who?" I asked.

My mother translated for me, "Tom Cruise, of course."

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Message: 5
Date: Thu, 10 Jul 2014 22:02:25 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Things NOT to say in an interview

* See photo of interviewer's family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably.
* Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; 'Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that.'
* Constantly fidget with underwear waistband, then blurt: 'The strawberry ones are the stickiest, don't ya' think?'
* After detailing your greatest achievement, qualify with, 'Of course I was totally hammered at the time.'
* Inquire on office policy of friends staying over.
* Claim you wouldn't even need a sit-in job if Al Einstein hadn't stolen your secret patent for '2000 Flushes'.
* Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier.
* Ask if it's okay that you sit on the floor.
* Allow that you would little impact on the overhead budget, because you swiped all the supplies from your other job.
* Although parking was free, insist that they validate something or you're not leaving.
* Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn't feel like making anything else up.
* Ask the secretary if she'll sit on your lap during the interview.
* Walk into interviewer's office with a tape measure, measure office from a few angles, put away, declare; 'NOW we can begin.'
* When making small talk and the Simpson trial comes up, shout: You mean Homer and Marge are in some kind of trouble?'
* Sniff two of your fingers hold out toward interviewer, ask; 'smell these, these smell funny to you?'
* Upon walking in to the office for first time, ask receptionist to hold all your calls.

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Message: 6
Date: Fri, 11 Jul 2014 11:26:50 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Breaking News

Germany expels U.S. spy official, after he stole Germany's soccer team winning formula and secret sauerkraut recipe.

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Message: 7
Date: Fri, 11 Jul 2014 07:31:14 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: A well-adjusted woman

A well-adjusted woman is one who not only knows what she wants for her birthday, but even knows what she's going to exchange it for.

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert