The Humor List
 

Digest for Wednesday, July 09, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. The Oldest Profession (off to lawyers) (George Matyjewicz)
2. Stationary object? (Anna Welander)
3. A FUNNY THING HAPPENED AT THE PUB (adult) (Mickey)
4. Says Who?!? (Paul Benoit)
5. Germany vs. Brazil - The Tweets (Maurizio Mariotti)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Wed, 9 Jul 2014 12:14:34 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: The Oldest Profession (off to lawyers)

A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented.

The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."

The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."

Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"

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Message: 2
Date: Wed, 9 Jul 2014 20:02:03 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Stationary object?

My mother was holding on to a pole while riding a bus. She noticed that a young man, who was holding on to the same pole, was staring at her. Eventually he said, "Excuse me. This is my stop."

Since she wasn't blocking his way, she was confused. "Well," she said, "Go ahead."

"And this is my pole," he said.

My mother was completely perplexed until the young man added, "I just bought it at the hardware store to hold up my shower curtain."

And with that, he picked up his pole and carried it off the bus.

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Message: 3
Date: Thu, 10 Jul 2014 00:24:35 -1000
From: Mickey
Subject: A FUNNY THING HAPPENED AT THE PUB (adult)

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy!

He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. "Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly, "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure!" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub barkeep looked over and said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand. I'm Pastor Fluff."

The barkeep said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish."

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Message: 4
Date: Thu, 10 Jul 2014 08:03:36 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Says Who?!?

FIVE WAYS YOU'RE PROBABLY DOING YOUR DIET WRONG
- Tim Hunter, WackyWeek.com

1. Bacon-wrapped celery can't be right
2. Cutting back to only 9 meals a day? Huh?
3. I've never heard of the Dairy Queen Blizzard Diet before
4. Dipping that broccoli in chocolate sauce
5. I believe that's 8-ounces of chicken, not 8 pieces

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Message: 5
Date: Thu, 10 Jul 2014 14:53:16 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Germany vs. Brazil - The Tweets

All actual tweets - MM
* The destruction of the Amazon is complete
* In dog goals, it's 49-7
* The last time I saw a Brazil this bleak it was getting directed by Terry Gilliam
* They'll have 5 mins added on for the time Cesar has spent picking the ball out of the net.
* At 7 goals, the World Cup scoreboard just goes to the Donkey Kong kill screen

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