The Humor List

Digest for Monday, July 07, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Actual Lines From Resumes <long> (Mickey)
2. The Genius (George Matyjewicz)
3. Blind Golfers (Grady Lacy)
4. Dear Diary (Maurizio Mariotti)
6. Paraprosdokian (Mickey)
7. Even a lick on the cheek (Lee Bradley)
8. Anybody Know? (Paul Benoit)

Message: 1
Date: Mon, 7 Jul 2014 07:19:40 -1000
From: Mickey
Subject: Actual Lines From Resumes <long>

* I am very detail-oreinted.
* My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.
* Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!
* Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.
* I am sicking and entry-level position.
* It's best for employers that I not work with people.
* Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.
* I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated.
* If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.
* My fortune cookie said, "Your next interview will result in a job." And I like your company in particular.
* You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate!
* I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.
* Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.
* Please disregard the attached resume - it is terribly out of date.
* Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.
* Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.
* Previous experience: Self-employed--a fiasco.
* Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.
* My experience in horticulture is well-rooted.
* Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.
* I am a rabid typist.
* Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984.
* I have a bachelorette degree in computers.
* Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.
* Graduated in the top 66% of my class.
* Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.
* Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.
* Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes.
* I worked as a Corporate Lesion.
* Special Skills: Speak English.
* Served as assistant sore manager.
* Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job.
* Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.
* Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts.
* Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis

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Message: 2
Date: Mon, 7 Jul 2014 13:19:48 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: The Genius

A proud and confident rich genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000."

The idiot says, "Okay."

The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?"

The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5. The idiot says, "Now it's my turn: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?"

The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000. The genius says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?"

The idiot hands over $5.

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Message: 3
Date: Mon, 7 Jul 2014 21:25:50 -0400
From: Grady Lacy
Subject: Blind Golfers

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

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Message: 4
Date: Tue, 08 Jul 2014 10:15:34 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Dear Diary

[Excerpted from MM's secret diary]

Dear Diary,
Last Saturday I bought an accordion at garage sale and whilst I don't know how to play it, I sat on the porch and made "music" for over two hours on the assumption that the more you play, the more you learn how to play. Eventually, my neighbor came over and offered to buy it from me for over ten times what I paid for it. Apparently, I was driving him, his wife, and their cat crazy

I think I discovered a money-making scheme.

Next project: Buy a second-hand trombone.

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Message: 5
Date: Tue, 8 Jul 2014 03:51:37 -0700
From: Stan Kegel

What happens if you fall asleep on a clock?
You wake up on time.

What is another name for ice?
Skid stuff

What kind of cowboy steals teapots?
A kettle rustler

Why does the Statue of Liberty stand in New York Harbor?
Because she can't sit down.

* A student drove himself so hard that he missed the learning curve.
* The nervous porcupine was always on pins and needles. (Lederer & Ertner)
* A student drove himself so hard that he missed the learning curve.
* The little acorn grew and grew, and at last said, "Gee, I'm a tree."

* In 1911, The first ice cream cone was shown at a press party. Newsmen got a big scoop.
* Aug. 10, 1913, The first rodeo was held, and cowboys got a few bucks out of it.
* In 1920, The patent for malted milk was sold for $100. The buyer said that he got a fair shake. (Daryl Stout)
* In 1932, The first diet club was formed, but it was a losing proposition.
* In 1949, Calculators were first used. They were so successful, that adding machines began to multiply.

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Message: 6
Date: Tue, 8 Jul 2014 01:02:43 -1000
From: Mickey
Subject: Paraprosdokian

PARA-PROS-DO-KIAN: a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. They are frequently humorous. Winston Churchill and Jack Benny are two of the many well-known people who loved paraprodokians and often used them. Here are some great examples:

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right--only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify: ___." So I wrote in 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault--I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.

And mine is, "I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now!"

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Message: 7
Date: Tue, 08 Jul 2014 08:25:17 -0400
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: Even a lick on the cheek

All Pauly's friends were very upset when he was involuntary admitted to a psychiatric hospital. It turns out that poor Pauly had taken to thinking he was a dog! After countless interventions by the staff, therapy sessions, and various medications over the years, Pauly was pronounced cured.

When MrsPauly arrived to pick him up, Pauly bounced gaily out of the ward doors and said to his wife, "Look, dear, I'm cured!"

"Oh, Pauly, is wonderful. Are you truly cured?"

"Sure I am," said Pauly, "just feel my nose."

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Message: 8
Date: Tue, 8 Jul 2014 08:25:20 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Anybody Know?

[excerpted from The Old Perfesser's diary]

Dear Diary,
Which came first, the chicken or the nugget?

- The Old Perfesser

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert