The Humor List

Digest for Friday, July 04, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. The Surgeon (George Matyjewicz)
2. Economic Pressure (Anna Welander)
3. Universal Laws (Anna Welander)
4. Amazing view! (Anna Welander)
5. How To Celebrate The Fourth Of July (Paul Benoit)
6. The Mortician <adult, gruesome> (Maurizio Mariotti)
7. The long and the short of it <adult> (Lee Bradley)
8. The Witch And The Friars (Stan Kegel)
9. That's Hard To Do (Paul Benoit)
10. You Might Be A Bad Customer If (Anna Welander)

Message: 1
Date: Fri, 4 Jul 2014 12:22:43 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: The Surgeon

Sam and John were out cutting wood when John cut his arm off. Sam remained calm, wrapped the arm in a plastic bag, and took the arm and John to a surgeon.

"You're in luck," said the surgeon. "I am an expert in re-attaching limbs. Come back in four hours when I have completed the operation."

So Sam returned in four hours and the surgeon said, "I did it faster than I expected. Jon is down at the pub."

Sam rushed down to the pub and was amazed to see John playing darts.

A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again when John accidentally cut off his leg.

Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the same surgeon.

"Legs are harder," said the surgeon, "but I'll see what I can do-come back in six hours."

Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early, John's out playing soccer."

Sam went to the field and to his surprise found John kicking 50 meter torpedoes.

A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again, when John accidentally cut off his own head.

Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon, confident that the skillful surgeon would do the job.

"Gee, heads are really difficult to re-attach," the surgeon muttered, "but I'll see what I can do-come back in 12 hours."

Sam returned in 12 hours.

"How did it go, Doc?" he asked.

"I'm sorry. John died," the surgeon replied, "He suffocated in the plastic bag, you idiot!!"

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Message: 2
Date: Fri, 4 Jul 2014 19:25:20 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Economic Pressure

Faced with economic pressures and in an attempt to remain profitable, many commercial offices are cutting back on costs wherever possible.

At one particular office, employees are taking management's belt-tightening orders seriously.

"I'm taking two cups of coffee instead of five a day from the office kitchen," said one of the workers.

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Message: 3
Date: Fri, 4 Jul 2014 19:29:49 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Universal Laws

* Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
* Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
* Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act
* Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
* Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
* Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
* Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
* Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
* Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
* The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
* Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
* Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
* Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

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Message: 4
Date: Fri, 4 Jul 2014 19:32:44 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Where've you been?

Two executives, Gary and Bill, staggered out of their company's holiday party in New York City. Bill crossed the street, while Gary stumbled in to a subway entrance. When Bill reached the other side, he noticed Gary emerging from the subway stairs. "Where've you been?" Bill slurred.

"I don't know," replied Gary, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!"

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Message: 5
Date: Fri, 4 Jul 2014 18:32:26 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: How To Celebrate The Fourth Of July

Many of you are well aware that Fourth of July is the American Independence day. If you were ever unsure how exactly to celebrate it, here are a few helpful hints.

First of all, the celebration consists of four important parts, namely American flags, grilling food, drinking alcohol and fireworks. While some of those parts seem unrelated to the history of American independence, all off these elements actually have deep connections to the American Revolutionary War.

Let's start with the flag. Make sure to buy a lowest-quality American flag made in China. This may feel slightly unpatriotic, but in a few hours, when the flag falls apart and you have to sew it back together, you will feel exactly like Betsy Ross.

Drink a lot (like A LOT) of beer to celebrate the holiday. If you know your history, you should remember that the colonists threw out boxes of tea into the Boston Harbor, protesting when the British King tried to make the colonists drink tea instead of beer.

If Samuel Adams beer is sold in your region, drink that brand to honor one of the Founding Fathers. However, if you plan to drive, please remember that the legal founding father level in your blood should be below 0.05% to 0.1%, depending on the state where you live.

Of course, it's much better to not to drink and drive. However, should you run out of beer mid-party, it's still legal to send horseback rider to gallop through the dark streets and roads to that liquor store that's always open late. Then keep an eye out for the lone rider, approaching your party while yelling "Beer is coming, beer is coming!". This ride will be forever known as "the Re-beer ride".

Still, try not to drink too much. You know you drank too much beer, if by the dawn's early light you wake up to find yourself crossing the Delaware river in somebody's boat.

If you are too young to drink beer, it's perfectly ok to drink tea. Yes, it's still a patriotic thing to do, because when you are dropping the teabag into the water, you are creating a miniature re-enactment of the Boston Tea Party in your tea cup.

Grill plenty of burgers. Remember, those burgers sacrificed their lives for your freedom to eat them.

End the celebration with fireworks. Buy plenty of fireworks and break laws if you have to. Remember, it's a proud American tradition to break state laws to buy the fireworks, because, seriously, what's the point of having freedom if you aren't free to buy fireworks to celebrate your freedom?

Invite your friends to watch your fireworks. Set off the fireworks when you see the whites of their eyes. Call the ambulance if you still see the whites of their eyes 20 minutes after setting off the fireworks.

Have a safe and fun Independence Day!

P.S. It's totally up to you whether to invite your British friends.

In a chariot of light from the region of the day,
The Goddess of Liberty came
She brought in her hand as a pledge of her love,
the plant she named Liberty Tree.
- Thomas Paine

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Message: 6
Date: Sat, 05 Jul 2014 09:41:59 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: The Mortician <adult, gruesome>

While examining the the body of Mr. Charlie Smith, a mortician notices that Smith has the largest penis he has ever seen.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Smith," says the mortician, clearly used to talking to dead people, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" she screams, "Charlie is dead!"

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Message: 7
Date: Sat, 05 Jul 2014 06:37:06 -0400
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: The long and the short of it <adult>

This guy goes to the MD: "Dotther, youz got da halp me. Far yearz I'b tawked laike 'is, 'cause my dick iss zo bigg 'at it pullz at ma voyce box and keepps me frum tawkin' preddy. Cain youz halp me?"

"No problem," answers the doctor flippantly. "I'll just trip off a portion to put you back within normal size."

"Otay," says the sufferer. So at the operation, the MD trims too much, and the guy now squeaks when he talks. He returns the next day and says in a squeaky, high voice, "Doctor, you've got to set things right; my wife won't speak to me. She says my voice is now comic and risible and my dick is far too short. She want you to put most of that back on again."

"I tain't doo zat," lisps the doctor, "I-frowed-it-awaaay!"

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Message: 8
Date: Sat, 5 Jul 2014 03:48:36 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: The Witch And The Friars

Back in the Dark Ages, a monastery sat high atop a mountain, sheltered within a grove of trees. It was a beautiful place. A peaceful place to meditate on God's goodness and grace. The twenty friars that inhabited the monastery were quiet, humble men who communed with God and enjoyed immensely the natural setting where they abode. The soil was fertile. They grew a huge vegetable garden. And wildflowers abounded. Everywhere they walked, beautiful flowers of vivid colors graced the landscape. Even wild roses grew in unexpected places. It was a haven of glory, secluded within the location of the monastery. Glorious colors abounded. In addition to tending their vegetable garden, they also tended all their beautiful flowers. They counted themselves very blessed indeed.

But deep within the nearby forest, a wicked witch watched the friars with immense jealousy. You see, her forest had lots and lots of trees, but no flowers. And she happened to like flowers. She really liked flowers a lot. She decided that she would rid the region of the friars. Really, she hated the friars. Really, these friars had to be stopped and she was going to stop them.

She tried putting a hex on them, in order to kill them off. But the hex didn't work because the friars were very godly men. The friars went joyfully on with their floral tending.

So then the wicked witch set fire to the trees, but because of the natural waterfalls and the lovely dew that covered the flowers and plants, the fire went out.

Finally, she concocted a special glue and she went in the nighttime and poured glue on all the flowers, which killed them immediately because of the strong toxicity.

Then she left vats of glue around the monastery and when the friars came out the next day to tend their flowers, they stopped curiously at the giant vats and sniffed the contents. Well, the glue was so strong, it instantly killed all the friars!

Which just goes to show: Only glue can prevent florist friars! (Louise Brady)

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Message: 9
Date: Sat, 5 Jul 2014 07:44:28 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: That's Hard To Do

An Englishman was in the pub with his mate who had married a Muslim woman and recently converted to Islam. Thanks to Ramadan, he wasn't drinking.

He said, "Mate, you're taking this thing pretty seriously."

The new convert said, "Well, yeah. I want to be a Muslim and respect my wife's views."

He said, "Oh, mate, you can't do both...."

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Message: 10
Date: Sat, 5 Jul 2014 16:52:07 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: You Might Be A Bad Customer If

1. You escort people out of line for having 11 items in the "10 items or less" lane.
2. You walk into a store at 10 minutes to close not knowing what you want and don't decide for another 30 minutes.
3. You yell out what a GREAT TIPPER you are.
4. You ask for a discount. No reason specified, just that you should get one.
5. You think the Pre-pay sign on the gas pump is for everyone but you.
6. You buy an expensive dress and return it after the party.
7. You can't read the signs or coupons correctly, insisting you're right and all the employees are wrong.
8. While standing in front of the huge line up of TVs, you ask a salesman, "Is this all the TVs you have?"
9. You chew out the manager of the local McDonald's for not cleaning up the place, while meanwhile, your kids proceed to launch ketchup packets at each other.
10. You pay for anything/everything in small change (especially pennies)

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert