The Humor List

Digest for Thursday, July 03, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. July 4 Quotes and Quiz (George Matyjewicz)
2. Dear Abby (Grady Lacy)
3. Dear Abby Admitted She Was At A Loss to Answer This (Anna Welander)
4. Bigger and bigger (Anna Welander)
5. Traffic Cop (Anna Welander)
6. Sex after surgery (Mickey) DELETED - PUBLISHED 07/07/2014
7. The Wall <insensitive> (Maurizio Mariotti)
9. What would the Founding Fathers say? <political satire/long> (Paul Benoit)
10. Shave and a shoeshine <adultish> (Lanny Julian)

Message: 1
Date: Thu, 3 Jul 2014 12:37:02 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: July 4 Quotes and Quiz

"There, I guess King George will be able to read that." - John Hancock

"Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe, to assure the survival and success of liberty." - John F. Kennedy

"May the sun in his course visit no land more free, more happy, more lovely, than this our own country!" - Daniel Webster

"America was not built on fear. America was built on courage, on imagination and an unbeatable determination to do the job at hand." - Harry S. Truman

"All great change in America begins at the dinner table." - Ronald Reagan

"The things that will destroy America are prosperity-at-any-price, peace-at-any-price, safety-first instead of duty-first, the love of soft living, and the get-rich-quick theory of life." - Theodore Roosevelt

And a History Quiz...
Teacher: "True or False? The Declaration of Independence was written in Philadelphia."
Student: "False. It was written in ink."

Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
On the bottom.

Why did Paul Revere ride from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry.

What did King George think of the American colonist?
He thought they were revolting!

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Message: 2
Date: Thu, 3 Jul 2014 12:49:18 -0400
From: Grady Lacy
Subject: Dear Abby Admitted She Was At A Loss to Answer This

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

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Message: 3
Date: Thu, 3 Jul 2014 19:00:05 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: How Exams Are Graded - An Inside Look

* Dept of Statistics: All grades are fitted to a normal curve.
* Dept of Psychology: Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.
* Dept of History: All students get the same grade they got last year.
* Dept of Theology: Grade is determined by God.
* Dept of Philosophy: What is a grade?
* Law School: Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A when they really deserve an F.
* Dept of Mathematics: Grades are variable.
* Dept of Computer Science: Random number generator determines grade.
* Dept of Music: Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - is sharp and flat respectively). Tone-deaf students fail.
* Dept of Physical Education: Everybody gets an A.

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Message: 4
Date: Thu, 3 Jul 2014 21:09:50 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Bigger and bigger

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a group of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

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Message: 5
Date: Thu, 3 Jul 2014 21:11:41 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Traffic Cop

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 25 MPH. Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-Five miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 25 is the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 110."

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Message: 6
Date: Thu, 3 Jul 2014 20:33:23 -1000
From: Mickey
Subject: Sex after surgery DELETED - PUBLISHED 07/07/2014

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Message: 7
Date: Fri, 04 Jul 2014 11:26:32 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: The Wall <insensitive>

A funeral service is held for a man who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the man is actually alive!

He lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for him. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking, the wife cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

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Message: 8
Date: Fri, 4 Jul 2014 03:38:43 -0700
From: Stan Kegel

Where did George Washington buy his hatchet?
At the chopping mall!

What did a patriot put on his dry skin?
Revo-lotion! (Richard Lederer & Stan Kegel)

Which one of Washington's officers had the best sense of humor?

What did the big firework say to the little firework?
My pop is bigger than your pop. (Richard Lederer & Stan Kegel)

What did one flag say to the other flag?
Nothing. It just waved!

* The early American settlers were like ants. They lived in colonies.
* When Washington crossed the Delaware he said, "Next time I'm going to reserve a seat!"
* "How was the food at the Fourth of July picnic?? "The hot dogs were bad and the brats were wurst!"
* Paul Revere rode his horse from Boston to Lexington because the horse was too heavy to carry!
* Washington chopped down the cherry tree with his hatchet because his mom wouldn't let him play with the chain saw!"

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Llama who?
Llama Yankee Doodle Dandy
(Richard Lederer)

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Message: 9
Date: Fri, 4 Jul 2014 07:46:25 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: What would the Founding Fathers say? <political satire/long>

By John Breneman
Humor Gazette

Can you imagine that very first Fourth of July party? Well, the history books reveal that my early explorations of this very topic date back to the late 20th century...

The year was 1776. Young Thomas Jefferson, 33, threw a barbecue at his house and all the Founding Fathers were there, along with everybody who was anybody during those heady days before the Revolution.

The Washingtons - George, Martha and little Denzel - stopped by with some of Martha's famous "I cannot tell a lie" cherry pie, considered to be the tastiest in the Colonies.

John and Abigail Adams brought a crate of lobsters and their 9-year-old son John Quincy, who played roll the hoop with little Andy Jackson, also 9. Adams' older brother Samuel, 53, wearing a stylish puffy shirt and brown vest, hauled along plenty of his "hand-crafted" Summer Ale.

Young Aaron Burr, 20, brought some pistols in case anyone wanted to duel and old-timer Benjamin Franklin had a box of kites festooned with stripes and stars.

Once most of the guests had arrived at Jefferson's Monticello estate, Paul Revere, 41, galloped up on his horse, Tea Biscuit, screaming, "The British are coming! The British are coming!"

"Just kidding," said the patriotic prankster, who then wandered off to ask Sam Adams for a bottle of Boston Lager.

Meanwhile, Jefferson was playing the consummate host. Garbed in a tri-cornered chef's hat and an apron embroidered with the words, "All menus are NOT created equal," he manned the grill while presiding over a buffet piled with parsnip puffs, stewed rump of beef and roasted bone-in leg of lamb.

"Hey Jefferson," shouted fellow Virginian Patrick Henry, "Give me another corndog or give me death!"

After dessert - with everyone stuffed on Indian pudding and macaroons - Jefferson gathered the group and unrolled some paper with fancy writing on it. He cleared his throat and began reading. "When in the course of human events," he began, "yada, yada, yada... We hold these truths to be, um..."

"Self-evident?" suggested Ben Franklin.

"Yeah that's it, self-evident ... that all Men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of ..."

"Beer!" shouted Paul Revere. "Chicks!" yelled 18-year-old future president James "Jimmy" Monroe.

"No, Happiness," said Jefferson, who droned on for about 20 more minutes until John Hancock whipped out a quill pen and started signing his name.

"Hey, leave some room for the rest of us," said New Hampshire signer Josiah Bartlett, as Samuel Adams drizzled some beer onto the edges to help give the document that "parchment" feel.

Then the celebration really started to get lively. Thomas Paine implored the revelers to use common sense, but Hancock and Franklin began lighting off crude rockets packed with gun powder that, upon bursting in the air, produced a most delightful red glare.

Our adoption of the Declaration of Independence in that Summer of 1776, certainly put future president John Adams in a partying mood. History shows he declared that henceforth we should celebrate Independence Day with "pomp and parade ... guns, bells, bonfires and illuminations from one end of this continent to the other, from this time forward forever more."

Boom! Ooh, aah!

Count me in. I'll be working all day, but as soon as I'm done, pour me a frosty Samuel Adams.

Because my thirst for that "more perfect union" envisioned by our Founding Fathers will never diminish.

"You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism." - Erma Bombeck

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Message: 10
Date: Fri, 4 Jul 2014 10:44:52 -0400
From: Lanny Julian
Subject: Shave and a shoeshine <adultish>

A Texan walked into a barbershop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber (using a straight razor by the way) began to lather his face, while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen, knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The Texan said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."

The Texan said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."

She said, "You tell him, he is the one shaving you."

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert