The Humor List
 

Digest for Wednesday, July 02, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Computer Haikus (George Matyjewicz)
2. Sex after surgery (Adult ) (Mickey)
3. The Miracle (Maurizio Mariotti)
4. PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS (Stan Kegel)
5. The Ten Commandments of Band (Paul Benoit)
6. Fox Butterfield, Is That You? <political> (Phil G)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Wed, 2 Jul 2014 15:55:21 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Computer Haikus

(Haiku (high-koo) are short poems that use sensory language to capture a feeling or image. They are often inspired by an element of nature, a moment of beauty or a poignant experience. Haiku poetry was originally developed by Japanese poets, and the form was adapted to English and other languages by poets in other countries.)

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Windows XP crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand-dollar screen dies
So beautifully.

With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

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Message: 2
Date: Wed, 2 Jul 2014 20:36:12 -1000
From: Mickey
Subject: Sex after surgery (Adult)

A recent article in the Kitchener Record reported that a woman has sued Grand River Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight."

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Message: 3
Date: Thu, 03 Jul 2014 09:57:35 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: The Miracle

Doctor Bloom, who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis, had a waiting-room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and emerged within half an hour walking completely erect, with her head held high.

A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"

She answered, "Miracle, shmiracle ... he gave me a longer cane."

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Message: 4
Date: Thu, 3 Jul 2014 04:41:13 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS

RIDDLES
What happened as a result of the Stamp Act?
The Americans licked the British. (Richard Lederer & Stan Kegel)

What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small curly-haired dog?
A Yankee Poodle. (Richard Lederer & Stan Kegel)

Why did Dracula flunk art class?
Because he could only draw blood

What do you call an unfaithful potato chip?
A Cheeto

What did the seal say when she broke up with the walrus?
I think we should sea otter people. (Gary Hallock)
++++++++++++++++

PUNS & SHORT JOKES
* Teacher: "The Declaration of Independence was written in Philadelphia. True or false?" Student: "False! It was written in ink!" (Richard Lederer & Stan Kegel)
* "Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?" "Yeah, it cracked me up." (Richard Lederer & Stan Kegel)
* I read a poem about wind, it was a blast! (Mike Bull)
* A guy who crosses the ocean twice without a shower is a dirty double crosser.
* Did you hear about the Siamese twins? Everything goes in one ear and out the brother.
++++++++++++++++

PUN SERIES - DAFFINITIONS
* Hypochondriac: Someone who won't let well enough alone.
* Keepsake: Store Japanese wine (Stan Kegel)
* Nudist: A person who is never clothes-minded
* Hula dancer: A shake in the grass. (Henny Youngman)
* Law Suit: A judge's robes
* Treason: What the acorn is to the tree
++++++++++++++++

GROANERS & LONG JOKES
A young orphan whose ancestors, great
Owned the land which is Texas, of late
Gave the judge a tough task
When the lad came to ask
"Please make me award of the state."
(Gary Hallock)

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Message: 5
Date: Thu, 3 Jul 2014 07:55:03 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: The Ten Commandments of Band

I am the Almighty Band Director who brought you through rookie camp and onto this field that we do march on. Thou shalt obey my commandments:

I. Thou shalt have no other gods before the director.

II. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven noises or any sounds unlikeness to the music that hath come before thee, or that shall come after thee.

III. Thou shalt not take the name of thy band in vain.

IV. Six days shalt thou labor, and do all thy practicing, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the band life: In it thou shalt have a concert.

V. Honor thy section leader and thy band director: That thy days may be long in the band, which the Lord thy God giveth thee.

VI. Thou shalt not damage thy instrument, nor conspire to murder a player whom is thy superior.

VII. Thou shalt not commit to other activities nor put any other task before thy band.

VIII. Thou shalt not steal sheet music, instruments, or any other item possessed by another member of thy band.

IX. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy stand partner.

X. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's instrument, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's reed, nor his ligature, nor his mouthpiece, nor anything that is thy neighbor's.

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Message: 6
Date: Thu, 03 Jul 2014 08:20:53 -0400
From: Phil G
Subject: Fox Butterfield, Is That You? <political>

By way of James Taranto's column...

"Tanks Roll Into Ukraine Despite Putin's Promise"
--headline, Daily Mail (London), June 12

"[Virginia congressional nominee Dave Brat] questions the federal role in setting education policy--at a time when U.S. schools, by almost any measure, are falling behind."
--Eugene Robinson, Washington Post, June 13

"President Obama Requests 10.5% Budget Increase for IRS, Despite IRS's Failure to Perform Basic Budget Planning"
--headline, TaxProf.typepad.com, June 13

"Despite Bergdahl Swap, Peace Talks Still in Limbo"
--headline, Associated Press, June 16

Despite the rapid expansion, Shake Shack is still known for its long lines, which can run the length of full city blocks."
--Nicole Goodkind, Yahoo! Finance, June 17

"Rich Democrats Go From Challenging the Status Quo to Embracing It"
--headline, Yahoo! News, June 19

"College Costs Top Inflation, Even With Financial Aid"
--headline, Boston Globe, June 22

"Whistleblower Claims VA Continued to Cover Up Vets' Deaths Despite Media Attention"
--headline, HotAir.com, June 24

"Despite RadioShack's efforts to remain competitive in the ever-evolving electronics industry, the retailer is nearing irrelevancy."
--Thomas Frohlich and Douglas McIntyre, Yahoo! Finance, June 23

"Fact: Gun Crimes Plummet Even as Gun Sales Rise"
--headline, GunMart.com, June 27

"Americans Think Education Is on the 'Wrong Track'--but Support for School Choice Is on the Rise"
--headline, DailySignal.com, July 1

(NOTE: "Fox Butterfield, Is That You?" is the satiric title given to headlines and/or news stories that are ironically funny (and unintentionally so). "Butterfield" refers to New York Times crime reporter Fox Butterfield, who was responsible for such stories as "More Inmates, Despite Drop In Crime," and "Number in Prison Grows Despite Crime Reduction," not to mention the poetic 1997 header, "Crime Keeps on Falling, but Prisons Keep on Filling.")

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