The Humor List

Digest for Friday, June 27, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Four retirees (Richard Nehrbass)
2. Breaking News (Maurizio Mariotti)
3. Sesame Street Bus <long> (Stan Kegel)
4. Double take (Lee Bradley)
5. Laws Of Work 1 (Anna Welander)
6. Laws Of Work 2 (Anna Welander)

Message: 1
Date: Fri, 27 Jun 2014 17:00:01 -0700
From: Richard Nehrbass
Subject: Four retirees

Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.

In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That's 10 cents each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please."

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price, plus they all have coupons."

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Message: 2
Date: Sat, 28 Jun 2014 09:50:56 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Breaking News

Luis Suarez, banned for four months for biting an Italian player, says in his defense, "I just love Italian food"

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Message: 3
Date: Sat, 28 Jun 2014 03:07:30 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: Sesame Street Bus <long>

A young man gets a job as a bus driver for the Sesame Street School Bus Company.

His first day on the job, he arrives at his first stop, opens the doors and looks out at his first passengers. There he sees a mother and her two daughters. The mother looks into the bus and says, "You're new aren't you?"

The bus driver says, "Yes ma'am, I am."

She says, "Well, I'd like you to meet my two little girls. This is Patty Sue and this is Patty Anne."

He simply can't believe his eyes - these kids are big. Really big. I mean, they're fat.

The mother says, "Now Patty Sue and Patty Anne are big for their age..."

He keeps his tongue under control. She says, "I'd like you to give my two little girls individual seats of their own on your bus."

"No problem," he says, as the two girls squeeze down the aisle and find their seats. He closes the door and drives to the next stop.

He opens the bus doors and he sees a mother and her young son. The mother looks at him and says, "You're new, aren't you?" He says,

"Yes, ma'am, I am."

She says, "Well, I'd like you to meet my son Josh. He's very special."

And he looks down at what can only be described as the nerd to end all nerds. The boy wears thick glasses with white tape holding them together. He has pencils in his shirt pocket. He has the short-sleeved dress shirt. He has the white socks and sandals.

The mother says, "My Josh is very special. I want you to give him a very special seat on your bus. I want him to sit up front every day."

"No problem," says our driver, as Josh proudly seats himself right up front. The bus driver closes the door and goes to the next stop.

He opens the bus doors and sees a mother and another little boy. The mother looks at him and says, (you guessed it) "You're new aren't you?"

He says, "Yes, ma'am, I am."

She says, "Well, my name is Mrs. Cleese, and this is my son Lester."

And when the driver looks at Lester, it's a pitiful sight to behold. The poor little guy obviously has foot problems. He's limping painfully.

The mother says, "Lester has problems with his feet." The driver nods sympathetically. The mother says, "I want you to help Lester as he gets on and off your bus every day, so that he will not trip, stumble, or fall."

The driver says, "No problem," and he helps Lester limp to his seat.

And then, as he closes the bus doors and drives away, he sees in his rear view mirror that Lester has removed his shoes and socks and is picking at the largest, most grotesque bunions he has ever seen. It's disgusting, the way that Lester picks at his feet.

Our driver shudders and drives on. He delivers the kids to school and returns to the bus barn.

He parks the bus and finds his supervisor. He walks right up to the boss and yells, "I quit!"

The boss says, "What do you mean, you quit?"

The bus driver replies, "There's no future in this job."

The boss says, "What are you talking about?"

The bus driver answers, "Here's my problem. How could I take a job where all I would have to look forward to every day would be two obese Pattys, special Josh and Lester Cleese picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus?"

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Message: 4
Date: Sat, 28 Jun 2014 10:39:53 -0400
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: Double take <adult>

Jocko considered himself very lucky. He had just driven into St. Louis for the first time, moved into his hotel room, gone down to the bar, and then he found that the girl of his dreams could NOT give him enough attention, that she was to be in the hotel for several weeks working on a corporate merger. At the end of the second drink, she put her glass down and said, "Enough time wasted, Jocko. Let's just go on up to my room and get to know each other very, very well.

She and Jocko spent a night of delicious love-making, and in the morning, Jocko looked across his drowzy lover's breasts and asked, "Who's the beefy-looking guy in the photo beside your bed? Your lover? Your husband?"

"No, silly, can't you tell?" she said, "that's me before the surgery."

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Message: 5
Date: Sat, 28 Jun 2014 16:52:01 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Laws Of Work 1

- A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
- Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
- The more of it you put up with, the more of it you're going to get.
- You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
- Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
- Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
- When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
- If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a darn fool about it.

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Message: 6
Date: Sat, 28 Jun 2014 16:54:08 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Laws Of Work 2

- There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
- Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.
- Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.
- Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
- Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
- To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
- Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.
- Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
- The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert