The Humor List

Digest for Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Degrees of questions (Grady Lacy) DELETED - PUBLISHED 06/24/2014
2. Options <adult> (Topolski, Leonard P.)
3. Words Of Wisdom (Mickey)
4. Just Business (George Matyjewicz)
5. Breaking News <political> (Maurizio Mariotti)
6. I Can't (Paul Benoit)
7. The Dog Ate My Tax Receipts Act <political and true> (Phil G)

Message: 1
Date: Wed, 25 Jun 2014 12:04:29 -0400
From: Grady Lacy
Subject: Degrees of questions DELETED - PUBLISHED 06/24/2014

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Message: 2
Date: Wed, 25 Jun 2014 11:14:19 -0500
From: Topolski, Leonard P.
Subject: Options <adult>

A lady came home and caught her husband in the act of cheating on her. The rural housewife went back to the back of the house and returned with the family's .22 caliber rifle.

Aiming the weapon at her husband's balls she said, "I'm gonna turn a bull into a steer, Jon!"

"No, no!" pleaded Jon. "Not like this! C'mon, Judi, give me a sporting chance, darlin'!"

"All right. I will. You can set 'em to swinging.

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Message: 3
Date: Wed, 25 Jun 2014 07:18:34 -1000
From: Mickey
Subject: Words Of Wisdom

* People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.
* Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.
* If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.
* The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
* The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
* To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.
* Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
* Money can't buy happiness, but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.
* Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
* Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
* After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

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Message: 4
Date: Wed, 25 Jun 2014 13:34:34 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Just Business

John Jones, the head of the company asked his manager to write a detailed employment review describing Bob Smith, one of his programmers.

1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3. wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4. thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5. finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
6. measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7. breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8. vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9. knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10. classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11. dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12. promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13. executed as soon as possible.


A memo was soon sent following the letter:

That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines above (1, 3, 5, etc...) for my true assessment of him.


Message: 5
Date: Thu, 26 Jun 2014 09:46:14 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Breaking News <political>

Malaysian flight MH370 search area extended to also find disappeared Iraqi army

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Message: 6
Date: Thu, 26 Jun 2014 07:54:28 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: I Can't

I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom ...

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Message: 7
Date: Thu, 26 Jun 2014 08:40:36 -0400
From: Phil G
Subject: The Dog Ate My Tax Receipts Act <political and true>

Stockman proposes "Dog Ate My Taxes" bill
Houston Chronicle, June 26

Rep. Steve Stockman, R-Texas, suggests that if the IRS can't keep track of key documents, taxpayers shouldn't have to either. Hence the bill he filed Friday: "The Dog Ate My Tax Receipts Act." The bill is a sardonic response by Stockman to the IRS and its handling of the allegedly lost Lois Lerner e-mails.

Stockman quipped, "The IRS claims that convenient, unexplained, miscellaneous computer malfunction is sufficient justification not to produce specific, critical documentation. All taxpayers shall be given the benefit of the doubt when not producing critical documentation, so long as the taxpayer's excuse therefore falls into one of the following categories:"

1. The dog ate my tax receipts
2. Convenient, unexplained, miscellaneous computer malfunction
3. Traded documents for five terrorists
4. Burned for warmth while lost in the Yukon
5. Left on table in Hillary's Book Room
6. Received water damage in the trunk of Ted Kennedy's car
7. Forgot in gun case sold to Mexican drug lords
8. Forced to recycle by municipal Green Czar
9. Was short on toilet paper while camping
10. At this point, what difference does it make?

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert