The Humor List

Digest for Monday, June 23, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. My boss quit smoking (George Matyjewicz)
2. Live On The Radio <adult> (Maurizio Mariotti)
3. What Was I Thinking?!? (Paul Benoit)
4. Revenge (Topolski, Leonard P.)

Message: 1
Date: Mon, 23 Jun 2014 12:19:26 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: My boss quit smoking

My boss walks in this morning and says: "I just quit smoking, so I may be more grumpy than usual. If I fire you and throw you out the window, don't take it personally."

I may have to call H.R.

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Message: 2
Date: Tue, 24 Jun 2014 12:38:10 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Live On The Radio <adult>

(Purported to have actually happened quite a few years ago on a British radio station. Maybe... MM)

An FM station has a competition where they ring someone up and ask them three personal questions. Then they ring their spouse or partner and ask them the same three questions. If the answers are the same, the couple wins a holiday to Bali. Last week the competition went like this:

Presenter: Hello, it's XYZ-FM, do you want to play the game?
Brian: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - when was the last time you had sex?
Brian: Oh, mate. Well, about 8 o'clock this morning.
Presenter: And how long did it go for, Brian ?
Brian: Oh, about 10 minutes.
Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it, mate?
Brian: Oh, mate, I can't say that.
Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here, Brian !
Brian: Okay, okay ... on the kitchen table.
Presenter: (much laughter). Good one, Brian. Now, is it okay for us to call your wife?
Brian: Yeah, all right.

Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you?
Sharelle: Hi. Good, thanks.
Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say hello.
Sharelle: Hi, Brian.
Brian: Hi, Sharelle.
Presenter: Now, Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.
Brian: Just tell the truth, honey.
Sharelle: Okay.
Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex ?
Sharelle: Oh, no, I can't say that on the radio.
Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.
Sharelle: Okay. About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.
Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle?
Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.
Presenter: Okay, Sharelle - final question. Where did you do it?
Sharelle: Oh, no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.
Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.
Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway. Just tell them.
Sharelle: Oh, all right. Up the arse!
Radio Silence - Advertising
Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here, and sometimes these things happen. We've given Brian and Sharelle the holiday. Now we'll take a music break.

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Message: 3
Date: Tue, 24 Jun 2014 07:37:11 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: What Was I Thinking?!?

[excerpted from The Old Perfesser's diary]

Dear Diary,
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don't tell the cops something stupid like "Carmen Cannoli".

- The Old Perfesser

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Message: 4
Date: Tue, 24 Jun 2014 10:23:18 -0500
From: Topolski, Leonard P.
Subject: Revenge

A husband asks his wife, "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger"?

"I clean the toilet bowl."

"How does that help?"

"I use your toothbrush."

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