The Humor List

Digest for Sunday, June 22, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Just ask Alice (Anna Welander)
2. Safety First (George Matyjewicz)
3. High Stepping Dancers (Stan Kegel)
4. Dear Diary (Maurizio Mariotti)
5. You Can't Shut Him Up!! <political satire> (Paul Benoit)

Message: 1
Date: Sun, 22 Jun 2014 16:20:38 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Just ask Alice

Alice Wickhammer of Jester Hill offers insight into your day-to-day traumas:

Dear Alice,
When is the last time your husband did something romantic to you? I figure you two have been married for a while, and I'm wondering if he is still affectionate?
-Curious in Camptown-

Dear Cur,
It's funny that you'd ask. Just this past Tuesday night, my Tyson fixed us a delightful barbecue chicken dinner, which we enjoyed with cocktails on our patio where we listened to Ella Fitzgerald and other singing their renditions of Rodghers and Hart's wonderful "Blue Moon" as we were bathed in the soft light of an actual blue moon. Of course Tyson left the dishes for me, so to answer you question, a romantic evening with Tyson happens, well once in a blue moon.

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Message: 2
Date: Sun, 22 Jun 2014 16:20:41 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Safety First

'Now, children,' said the teacher as the school party was about to board the Channel ferry. `What do we say if one of the pupils falls into the sea?'

Up went Fred's hand. 'Pupil overboard, sir!'

'Very good,' said the teacher. `And what do we say if one of the teachers falls into the sea?'

'It depends which teacher it is, sir.'

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Message: 3
Date: Sun, 22 Jun 2014 23:54:52 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: High Stepping Dancers

A traveling troupe of dancers known as the Steppers performed to sellout crowds in clubs and theaters across the country. After one particularly successful show, management offered them unlimited visits to the bar. It wasn't long before they all became exceedingly drunk.

When it became time to launch their trip to the next town, they continue to party on the bus. They were having a grand old time unaware that their future was in jeopardy.

Beside the highway where they traveled, a family's pet viper, known as Peter, had gotten loose. He was a large snake who became confused with his newfound freedom and paused to collect his thoughts on the highway unaware of the oncoming bus load of partygoers.

The sleepy bus driver, thinking the snake was a felled tree in the roadway, swerved. The bus's tires dug into the shoulder and pulled the bus off the road into the ditch. The drunken Steppers gathered their wits about them and exited the bus as quickly as possible and when the news reporter arrived they were scattered everywhere.

It was only natural that the next day the newspaper headlines about the incident would read: "Peter Viper wrecks a truck of pickled Steppers."

"High Stepping Dancers" from "Groan And Bear it" by Gary Younglove ((c) 2010)

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Message: 4
Date: Mon, 23 Jun 2014 09:42:23 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Dear Diary

[Excerpted from MM's secret diary]

Dear Diary,
Mrs. MM took me to an auction the other day. It was my very first time.

She put a reserve price of $5, but the bids went up and up, and at the end she sold me for $12.25.

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Message: 5
Date: Mon, 23 Jun 2014 07:02:46 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: You Can't Shut Him Up!! <political satire>

In Rare Consensus, Sunnis and Shiites Tell Cheney to Shut Up
by Andy Borowitz

BAGHDAD (The Borowitz Report)-In a development that offers a faint glimmer of hope for Iraq, both Sunnis and Shiites are finding common ground in the view that former Vice-President Dick Cheney seriously needs to shut up.

In the days following the publication, this week, of a Wall Street Journal op-ed piece about Iraq that Cheney wrote with his daughter Liz, hatred of the former Vice-President has, to the surprise of many, become the first thing that Sunnis and Shiites have agreed upon in centuries.

Iraqi observers in recent days have reported seeing both Sunnis and Shiites reading the Cheneys' op-ed then tearing it to shreds in a rage.

"Cheney is an ass!" a Sunni merchant reportedly exclaimed in a Baghdad market on Thursday, to the resounding cheers of several Shiites nearby.

"Historically, it's been challenging to find anything that Sunnis and Shiites agree on," said Sabah al-Alousi, a history professor at the University of Baghdad. "That's why their apparent consensus that Dick Cheney needs to shut the hell up is so significant."

Visiting Baghdad on Friday, Secretary of State John Kerry said that the joint Sunni-Shiite calls for Dick Cheney to shut his pie hole were a cause for optimism.

"If Dick Cheney winds up being the one thing that brings Sunnis and Shiites together, the United States owes him a debt of thanks," he said, adding that the two sects' view of the former Vice-President was also shared by the Kurds.

Clinics Open Nationwide to Treat People Still Listening to Dick Cheney

Medical facilities across the United States are responding quickly to what could be called an epidemic by many.

"Some people - for some strange and inexplicable reason - are still listening to what Dick Cheney has to say, particularly his comments on Iraq," said Dr. Milton Webb, a physician at a Minnesota facility.

The sudden outbreak surfaced after Cheney and his daughter Liz published an article in the Wall Street Journal, saying among other things that "rarely has a US president been so wrong about so much at the expense of so many", referring not to former president George W. Bush, but to President Barack Obama. And as a result of the article, the former vice president and dark lord is back in the media spotlight, doing interviews for news shows.

"This is the man who orchestrated a war that cost the lives of 4,500 Americans, 100,000 Iraqis and nearly a trillion dollars in debt. Only someone with serious mental problems would still be supportive of this person," said one medical professional.

"If you know of someone who is under the delusion that Cheney and the rest of the Bush administration were justified in invading Iraq in 2003, please make sure that you get them help as soon as possible."

Medical facilities are requiring that, prior to admission of patients, loved ones should prevent them from watching Fox News and CNN, encourage thinking for themselves, and of course, reconsidering their political affiliations as conservatives.

"But we can only help if they want us to help," added Dr. Webb. "Let the healing begin."

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert