The Humor List

Digest for Thursday, June 19, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. For new campers - How To Build A Fire (George Matyjewicz)
2. Breaking News <political> (Maurizio Mariotti)
4. Breaking News <stereotyping> (Maurizio Mariotti)
5. Between Iraq And A Hard Place <political satire/long> (Paul Benoit)
6. Filled quota (Anna Welander)

Message: 1
Date: Thu, 19 Jun 2014 12:07:32 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: For new campers - How To Build A Fire

1.Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.
2. Bandage left thumb.
3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments.
4. Bandage left foot.
5. Make a structure of slivers (including those embedded in the hand).
6. Light match.
7. Light match.
8. Repeat "I'm a Happy Camper" and light match.
9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of flames.
10. Apply burn ointment to nose.
11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.
12. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.
13. After thunderstorm has passed, repeat the above steps.

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Message: 2
Date: Fri, 20 Jun 2014 09:23:30 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Breaking News <political>

As Iraqi army runs away from ISIS fighters, President Obama to send 300 poultry experts to advise "those chickens"

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Message: 3
Date: Fri, 20 Jun 2014 01:26:35 -0700
From: Stan Kegel

Why did the belt go to jail?
Because it held up a pair of pants!

What happened to the criminal pig?
He did time in the pen. (Lederer & Ertner)

What do liars do after they die?
Lie still. (Stan Kegel)

What does a country druggist do on his weekends?
He gives the farm assist.

* Artists know where to draw the line.
* He kept having screaming fits at the guy who had no feet. He was lacked-toes intolerant.
* The operator of a crematorium has an urned income. (Gary Reeves)
* Man does not survive on words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

* In 1876, the first telephone conversation was only 18 feet apart. It was a close call.
* In 1911, the first ice cream cone was shown at a press party. Reporters got a big scoop.
* In 1916, the first interlocking puzzle caused a national craze, as the whole nation went to pieces.
* In 1920, the patent for malted milk was sold for $100. The buyer said that he got a fair shake.
* In 1927, the first dentists' banquet was held. It was $100 a plate dinner, $50 for the upper, and $50 for the lower.
* In 1949, calculators were first used. They were so successful that adding machines began to multiply.

Advice for New Students:
Don't look at anything in a physics lab.
Don't taste anything in a chemistry lab.
Don't smell anything in a biology lab.
Don't touch anything in a medical lab.
And, most importantly:
Don't listen to anything in a philosophy department.

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Message: 4
Date: Fri, 20 Jun 2014 12:05:49 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Breaking News <stereotypical>

Russia again sends army to the border with Ukraine, ISIS makes advances in Iraq, France confused about to whom to surrender

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Message: 5
Date: Fri, 20 Jun 2014 08:51:04 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Between Iraq And A Hard Place <political satire/long>

Dick Cheney: "My Thoughts and Prayers Are with the Iraqi Oil Wells"
by Andy Borowitz

JACKSON HOLE, WYOMING (The Borowitz Report)-Former Vice-President Dick Cheney broke his silence about the crisis in Iraq on Tuesday, telling reporters, "My thoughts and prayers are with the Iraqi oil wells."
Speaking from his Wyoming ranch, Cheney said that he had planned to remain quiet about the current state of affairs in Iraq, but "thinking about those oil wells has kept me up at night."

"If Dick Cheney won't speak for the Iraqi oil wells, who will?" he said.

Cheney indicated that, as of now, there was no fighting near Iraq's oil wells, but warned, "If the violence spreads, those wells could be in jeopardy. And it's up to the international community to insure that that worst-case scenario doesn't happen."

The former Vice-President said that he expected to "catch hell" for inserting himself into the debate about Iraq, but was resolute in his decision to do so. "If I prevent one drop of precious oil from being spilled, it will have been worth it," he said.

Q: What's the difference between Iraq and Vietnam?
A: George "Dubya" Bush and Dick "Dick" Cheney knew how to get out of Vietnam.

McCain Calls for Emergency Blame Game on Iraq
by Andy Borowitz

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)-Citing the deteriorating situation in the war-torn nation, Senator John McCain (R-Arizona) on Saturday called for Congress to convene an emergency blame game on Iraq.

"This is a dire crisis," McCain said. "It's time to roll up our sleeves and do some serious finger-pointing."

McCain said that he hoped Congress would act swiftly to assign blame to a long list of culprits he identified, including President Obama, the Joint Chiefs, the media, and everyone who did not vote for him in the 2008 election.

The Arizona senator stressed that the blame game must be "rigorous and far-reaching," but said that it would exempt those in the Senate who voted to invade Iraq in 2003. "That's ancient history," he said.

Concluding his remarks, he offered these words of reassurance to the Iraqi people: "As long as I have breath, I will use it to find fault with others."

Pressure on Obama to Quickly Resolve Centuries-Old Sunni-Shiite Conflict
. . . . . by Andy Borowitz

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)-Congressional leaders left the White House on Wednesday "deeply frustrated" that President Obama had not found a swift resolution to the conflict between Sunnis and Shiites that began in the seventh century A.D.

After meeting for more than an hour with the President in the Oval Office, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell expressed disappointment that Mr. Obama "came up empty" when asked for a plan to heal the rift between the two religious groups, which began in the year 632.

"All we ask of this President is that he do one thing: settle a religious conflict that has been going on for a millennium and a half," McConnell said. "What did he offer today? Nothing."

Speaker of the House John Boehner acknowledged that there was a possibility that Obama might find a way to resolve the centuries-old Sunni-Shiite conflict, but the Ohio Republican was not optimistic.

"This struggle between Sunnis and Shiites has been going on for almost fifteen hundred years," he said. "That means President Obama has had ample time to fix it."

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Message: 6
Date: Fri, 20 Jun 2014 15:04:39 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Filled quota

"Every time I learn something new it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Like that time I took that home wine making course and forgot how to drive." - Homer Simpson

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert