The Humor List
 

Digest for Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Mosquitoes (George Matyjewicz)
2. Tom's scrotum <adultish> (Lanny Julian)
3. US troops rapidly prepare for non-response to Iraq security crisis <political satire/long> (Phil G)
4. 10 Ways Having A Toddler Is Like Being In Prison (Anna Welander)
5. Confucius did not say <adultish> (Maurizio Mariotti)
6. PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS (Stan Kegel)
7. He wasn't stupid (Anna Welander)
8. FUTBOL (Paul Benoit)
9. Signs (Anna Welander)
10. Old Burma Shave Signs (Anna Welander)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Tue, 17 Jun 2014 12:06:32 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Mosquitoes

We had huge mosquitoes on our summer vacation. I've seen big mosquitoes before, but these had their own landing strip.

What really scared me was when I was sleeping on the porch when two of hovered over me. One said to the other, "should we eat him here, or take him out back?" "We'd better eat him here, otherwise the big boys will get him," replied the send.

I got bitten by so many mosquitoes during my vacation, when I finally got home I had to have a friend come over to help me scratch.

The mosquitoes on our vacation were so big that insect repellent didn't bother them. They'd just carry you down to the stream and wash it off.

The mosquitoes on our summer vacation were so big they not only bit you, they also knocked you down and stole your wallet.

On our vacation this summer, I saw fireflies for the first time. I didn't know what they were. I thought the mosquitoes were coming after us with flashlights.

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Message: 2
Date: Tue, 17 Jun 2014 20:33:24 -0400
From: Lanny Julian
Subject: Tom's scrotum <adultish>

Last week during the service, pastor Stan Looked congregation and asked if anyone there would like to express praise for prayers, which had been answered.

One lady stood up and came to the front and said, "I have a reason to thank the Lord."

"Three months ago, my husband, Steve, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed."

"The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could do anything to help him."

You could hear an giant gasp from all the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Steve experienced.

She then said, "Steve was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain."
"We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation."

"They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Steve's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Steve.

She continued, "Now, Steve is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.

Then pastor Stan rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Steve and I would just like to tell my beautiful blonde wife, the word is 'sternum.'"

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Message: 3
Date: Tue, 17 Jun 2014 20:51:07 -0400
From: Phil G
Subject: US troops rapidly prepare for non-response to Iraq security crisis <political satire/long>

US TROOPS RAPIDLY PREPARE FOR NON-RESPONSE TO IRAQ SECURITY CRISIS
From http://www.duffelblog.com/

WASHINGTON, D.C. - According to top Pentagon officials, American military units around the globe have launched into inaction following news that radical militants of the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant (ISIS) had seized several major Iraqi cities and were on the move towards Baghdad.

"Each and every service member has been alerted to stay in their home or workplace and do nothing," said one senior defense official. "Further, all leadership is under strict orders to let any talk of Iraq go in one ear and out the other."

Indeed, always ready to answer the call of an ambivalent nation in need, America's soldiers, sailors, airmen, and Marines are reportedly hard at work throwing boots on desks, reposting half-read articles about the crisis on Facebook, and disinterestedly mentioning news of the country they fought eight years to protect in passing to one another before moving on to more pressing topics of conversation, like weekend plans or personal reviews of summer blockbusters.

"Huh," mustered 1st Sgt. Joey Nelson of Fort Drum, New York, noticing a CNN banner-head declaring the ill-preparedness of Iraqi Security Forces to meet the Islamist threat. "Always said that place was a shithole."

Nelson, who deployed four times to Iraq's Al Anbar Province and was awarded the Bronze Star Medal for heroism in combat, says he and his 10th Mountain Division cohorts are hurriedly preparing for the coming months of fishing, boating, and "soaking up the rays."

"Should be a great summer," Nelson said, calculatedly avoiding mention of the Sunni militant offensive that could bring Iraq to its knees.

At Fort Campbell, Kentucky, soldiers of the storied 101st Airborne Division are rushing to stage the necessary equipment and supplies for the annual Independence Day barbecue, which sources say should coincide perfectly with the fall of an Iraqi city or two they battled tirelessly to secure just a couple years ago. Elsewhere, members of the Army Special Forces and Navy SEAL communities are said to be taking a more proactive approach to non-readiness, putting down the last beers they'll need to forget the Arabic language entirely.

"It's really inspiring, the collective non-response our men and women in uniform can pull together on such a short timeline," hailed Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel, who says his own reaction to the fall of Mosul and Kirkuk was a "big old alligator-yawn."

While Defense officials appear united in their bored indifference to Iraq, some in Congress have criticized the non-response for being not disinterested enough. Leading Democrats, for instance, insist they haven't given a shit for nearly a decade, with Republicans claiming they would fail to act in a different way.

In any case, it's all good training, according to Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Gen. Martin Dempsey, who says troops will need to be practiced in this sort of rapid inaction to meet the challenges of a post-war environment.

"Especially in a year or two, when we'll all sit idly by as Afghanistan falls to the Taliban," Dempsey said.

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Message: 4
Date: Wed, 18 Jun 2014 10:19:25 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: 10 Ways Having A Toddler Is Like Being In Prison

1. You can't do anything without constant supervision
2. Every morning begins with someone screaming at you to wake up
3. You're always terrified something bad will happen when you're in the shower
4. You're always terrified someone is going to crawl into your bed in the middle of the night
5. Meal time is fraught with tension
6. Someone's always watching you go to the bathroom
7. You never get to choose the movie and then it's hard to hear it over all the hooting and hollering
8. You're always terrified someone is going to punch, bite, tackle, stab or attack you with some kind of makeshift weapon
9. Contraband -- like booze, chocolate and adult entertainment -- must be smuggled in and consumed in secret
10. Conjugal visits are hard to come by, require intense scheduling, and are often interrupted

BONUS: One Way Having a Toddler is NOT Like Being in Prison
11. Being placed in solitary confinement is a reward, not a punishment

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Message: 5
Date: Wed, 18 Jun 2014 12:01:37 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Confucius did not say <adultish>

- ''Man who run behind car get exhausted''
- ''Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day''
- ''Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.''
- ''Man with one chopstick go hungry.''
- ''Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.''
- ''Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.''
- ''Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.''
- ''Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night.''
- ''Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out.''
- ''It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.''
- ''Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.''
- ''Man who sit on tack get point.''
- ''Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.''
- ''Man who farts in church sits in own pew.''
- ''Man who jumps from tall building, jumps to conclusion.''
- ''Crowded elevator smells different to midget."

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Message: 6
Date: Wed, 18 Jun 2014 03:15:57 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS

RIDDLES
Why was the college professor involved in a terrible car wreck?
He was grading papers on a curve. (Joan Adams)

What would you get if you crossed a stereo and a refrigerator?
Very cool music. (Stan Kegel)

What did the father porcupine say to his son just before spanking him?
"This is going to hurt me more than it's going to hurt you. (Lederer & Ertner)

What kind of milk improves your vision?
Past your eyes-d
++++++++++++++++

PUNS & SHORT JOKES
* Sinuses run in our family. (Richard Lederer)
* A police dog is often the scenter of a drug arrest.
* You'll never be able to make a kite by tying flippers to your Cabbage Patch Kid. Everyone knows that doll fins can't fly.
* "How much is that duck?" "Ten dollars" "Okay, could you please send me the bill?" "I'm sorry, but you'll have to take the whole bird."
++++++++++++++++

PUN SERIES - POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
* No one's tall anymore. They're "vertically enhanced."
* You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."
* You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."
* Your bedroom isn't cluttered. it's "passage-restrictive."
* You're not sleeping in class. You're "rationing consciousness."
* You don't have smelly gym socks. You have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."
* You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."
++++++++++++++++

GROANERS & LONG JOKES
There is surgery everyone knows
That's cosmetic; can cure people's woes.
If you don't like your schnozz,
Choose another, because
You are able; you can pick your nose!
(Kirk Miller)

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Message: 7
Date: Wed, 18 Jun 2014 14:11:08 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: He wasn't stupid

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read ... BEST DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign reading ... LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read ... MAIN ENTRANCE.

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Message: 8
Date: Wed, 18 Jun 2014 08:55:51 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: FUTBOL

Here are the top things you are going to hear American sports fans say during the World Cup.
- by Alex Kaseberg, thordoggie.blogspot.com

- "Hey, that guy used his head. Is it legal to use your head?"
- "Oh no, I am pretty sure that guy just got shot. He went down without anyone touching him."
- "That is a lot of guys with one name and ponytails."
- "The British announcer said there is a kent-trah-ver-see. (controversy) What the hell is a kent-trah-ver-see?"
- "The British announcer said the player seemed to be in 'a spot of bother.' Is that the same thing as being screwed?"
- "Oh, look, before the game, they all brought their kid out with them."
- "So I guess when a soccer announcer says unlucky, he means they messed up?" -
- "Wait a minute, the guy in front of that big net thingy used his hands. How come he gets to use his hands?"
- "Shouldn't they be kicking it toward the goal? Why aren't they kicking it toward the goal?"
- "As soon as the game was over, a bunch of guys switched over to the other team handing over their jerseys and everything."
- "Now the announcer is saying the score is one, nil. Who the hell is Nil?"
- "So tell me again why they can't catch it with their hands?"

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Message: 9
Date: Wed, 18 Jun 2014 15:42:40 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Sign

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But as time went by, the traffic built at an alarming rate. Eventually the traffic became so heavy and so fast that several of his chickens were hit being every day. So Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day county workers went out and erected a sign that said: SLOW - CHILDREN AT PLAY

A few days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The sign seems to make them go even faster!"

So county workers put up a new sign: SLOW - SCHOOL CROSSING

That was no better. Farmer John called the sheriff and asked, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

"Sure thing, put up your own sign." Anything to keep this pest from calling.

When the sheriff got no more calls about speeders, curiosity got the best of him and he gave Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then."

The sheriff was curious enough to go out there and take a look at that sign. He thought, "This might be something can use to slow drivers down."

The sheriff's jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

NUDIST COLONY - GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR CHICKS

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Message: 10
Date: Wed, 18 Jun 2014 16:13:52 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Old Burma Shave Signs

SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
Burma Shave

HE LIT A MATCH
TO CHECK THE TANK
NOW THEY CALL HIM
SKINLESS FRANK
Burma Shave

PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW
Burma Shave

DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR.
Burma Shave

BROTHER SPEEDER
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE
Burma Shave

CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND A LITTLE MORE STEER
Burma Shave

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