The Humor List

Digest for Thursday, June 12, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Fathers Day (George Matyjewicz)
2. Fox Butterfield, Is That You? <unintentionally ironic; political> (Phil G)
3. Thanks State Farm! <satire> (Paul Benoit)
4. Groaner du jour <adultish> (Maurizio Mariotti)

Message: 1
Date: Thu, 12 Jun 2014 13:16:46 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Father's Day

I decided to make myself useful and do a load of the family laundry. When I took the clothes out of the machine, I discovered - to my dismay - that I had also washed the watch my wife had given me while we were dating.

"Don't expect me to replace it," she said later with an obvious lack of sympathy.

By the time Father's Day rolled around, however, she had relented and gave me a beautiful new watch. Attached was a note with this stipulation: "DRY-CLEAN ONLY!"

"Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards." - Robert Orben

"Creating a child takes no love or skill; being a parent requires lots of both." - Michael Josephson

"I have found the very best way to advise your children is to find out what they want to do and advise them to do it." - President Harry Truman

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Message: 2
Date: Thu, 12 Jun 2014 18:32:56 -0400
From: Phil G
Subject: Fox Butterfield, Is That You? <unintentionally ironic; political>

By way of James Taranto's column...
"While Mr. Brat is firmly pro-free market, during the campaign he repeatedly denounced crony capitalism."
--Jennifer Steinhauer, New York Times, June 12

"Young Russians Yearn for the Glory Days of the Soviet Union--Despite Not Having Experienced It"
--headline, Independent (London), June 11

(NOTE: "Fox Butterfield, Is That You?" is the satiric title given to headlines and/or news stories that are ironically funny (and unintentionally so). "Butterfield" refers to New York Times crime reporter Fox Butterfield, who was responsible for such stories as "More Inmates, Despite Drop In Crime," and "Number in Prison Grows Despite Crime Reduction," not to mention the poetic 1997 header, "Crime Keeps on Falling, but Prisons Keep on Filling.")

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Message: 3
Date: Fri, 13 Jun 2014 07:43:08 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Thanks State Farm! <satire>

Jake, From State Farm, Sues State Farm For Ruining His Dating Life

Bloomington, IL - The actor who plays "Jake, from State Farm", we'll call him Jake, from State Farm, in the famous insurance firm's commercial, is suing the company for stereotyping him as "hideous" and ruining his love life.
The actor seeks $5 million in damages and says, "I figured that amount could buy me quite a bit of love in many countries around the world."

Jake had been seeing a lovely lady named Tammy when shooting on the commercial began a year and a half ago but, shortly after the commercial hit the airwaves, she started acting differently and then abruptly stopped seeing the poor bastard.

"Tammy brought up the 'hideous' comment one time but that was it." Jake continued, "I said, Babe! It's me. I'm still the same lovable guy I've always been!"

"She started thinking maybe I really was hideous, I hate that word now, and I think she was constantly wondering when we went out together whether all the other women were thinking I was hideous too."

"We would go out to dinner where kids would recognize me, come over, ask for an autograph, and run off laughing and saying to each other, 'He sounds hideous!' It's very embarrassing and I'm tired of it. Punks."

"I've tried other dating sites, blind dates, picking up hookers on the wrong side of town, even mail-order brides from Estonia, but sooner or later the truth about my past work comes up and it bites me in the ass every time!" Jake said frustratingly.

"I'm a nice, average guy who would make a really great husband if there's anybody who can overlook the 'hideous' taint that I'm labelled with, thanks to State Farm."

One benefit of his ordeal is that he gets discounts on khaki's in stores all over town. It almost makes the whole hideous thing worth it. Oh wait, no, no never mind, Jake is yelling to me that the khaki discounts are crap compared to the true love he seeks.

His trial starts later this year and we wish him luck as he slugs through the legal process which, at times, can also become quite, don't tell him we said this, HIDEOUS.

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Message: 4
Date: Fri, 13 Jun 2014 15:09:06 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Groaner du jour <adultish>

Did you hear about the X-rated murder mystery film?
In the end, everybody did her.

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert