The Humor List
 

Digest for Sunday, June 08, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Diet Rules (George Matyjewicz)
2. You Shouldn't Ask (Paul Benoit)
3. PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS (Stan Kegel)
4. The Old Man <adultish> (Maurizio Mariotti)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Sun, 8 Jun 2014 16:10:09 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Diet Rules

"I never eat food containing unnatural coloring or preservatives, or sprayed vegetables, or meat that has been pumped with hormones or similar, unnatural growth-enhancing stuff."

Well, how do you feel?

"Very hungry."

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Message: 2
Date: Mon, 9 Jun 2014 07:29:17 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: You Shouldn't Ask

The CIA has joined Twitter with the best possible tweet: "We can neither confirm nor deny that this is our first tweet."

Now that the CIA is on twitter and posted that awesome tweet, here are ten more suggested tweets the CIA should post:

So psyched it's Friday. Oh, and Red Foxtail Niner, find Cochise 32. Eliminate Cochise 32, over.

Is it Margarita-thirty, or what? LOL. [In the CIA LOL stands for Lethal Operation Likely]

Remember, frowning requires more muscles than smiling. But not nearly as many muscles as killing someone with your thumbs. #FYI.

P.S. Everyone have a super weekend, except for Cochise 32, that is. His ass is grass. #ThatDudeIsSoGettingSmoked

Of course we would never use Twitter to sneak out encrypted codes. Isn't that right, Istanbul quadrant 68? Moondoggie is mobile, over.

Don't you hate it when someone takes the last cyanide pill from the break room without replacing it with a new canister? #Bummer

How is everyone today? Are you killing hard, or hardly killing?

When you hit an operative with a drone, are they imploding or exploding? (asking for a friend)

That rumor the CIA can spy on people through their computers is not true, (By the way, you've got some lettuce on your teeth) #Gross

Have you tried those burritos in the cafeteria? Now those are weapons of mass destruction. Am I right, people? #LightAMatch - Alex Kaseberg
(thordoggie.blogspot.com)

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Message: 3
Date: Mon, 9 Jun 2014 04:51:44 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS

RIDDLES
Why did the kid eat his homework?
The teacher said it was a piece of cake.

What do you call a boy with one foot in the door?
Just-in!

What is meant by a spitting image?
To find out try to feed cereal to an infant.

Why are fire engines red?
There are four wheels and eight men on a fire engine. Four and eight makes 12. There are 12 inches in a ruler. Queen Elizabeth is a ruler. The Queen Elizabeth was a ship. Ships sail in the sea. The sea has fish. Fish have fins. The Finns are always fighting the Russians. Russians are known as "red". Fire engines are always rushin', and that's why they're red.
++++++++++++++++

PUNS & SHORT JOKES
* I saw something last night I'll never get over! The moon!
* I've had this cough for seven days. My doctor says it's just a wee cold.
* I prefer sunbathing in Mexico. Yucatan much easier there. (Gary Hallock)
* A boy who looked like his father, a sculptor, was a chip off the old block
* Siamese twins underwent surgery in Prague and emerged as separate Czechs
++++++++++++++++

PUN SERIES - TOM SWIFTIES
* "I was adopted," said Tom transparently.
* "A hurricane is coming." Tom stormed
* "My aunt had put on weight," Dorothy told the Wizard emphatically. (Stan Kegel)
* "I should keep better track of expenses," reckoned Tom unaccountably.
* "Boy, that's a bright star", said Tom seriously
++++++++++++++++

GROANERS & LONG JOKES
The thing about Jayne you should know
She drove trucks at an army depot
And my very first kiss
With this uniformed miss
Was under a haul of missile tow
(Guy Ben-Moshe)

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Message: 4
Date: Mon, 09 Jun 2014 15:15:34 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: The Old Man <adultish>

An old man sits on a bench and starts sobbing. A man who is sitting on the bench asks, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but why do you cry?"

The old man replies, "I'm 84 and I just got married to this 21 year old woman. She is hot and all she wants to do is have sex all day long."

"So what's the problem?"

"I can't remember where I live."

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