The Humor List

Digest for Saturday, June 07, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Haunted Castle (George Matyjewicz)
2. MONO A MONO (Stan Kegel)
3. What's Important (Paul Benoit)
4. Missing (Maurizio Mariotti)
5. In other words (Anna Welander)
6. Travel Agent Stories (Anna Welander)
7. Rejected Hallmark Greetings, Part 1 <adultish> (Anna Welander)

Message: 1
Date: Sat, 7 Jun 2014 22:06:16 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Haunted Castle

A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle. At the end of the tour, the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.

"Don't worry," says the guide. "I've never seen a ghost all the time I've been here."

"How long is that?" asks the girl.

"About three hundred years."

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Message: 2
Date: Sun, 8 Jun 2014 04:46:40 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: MONO A MONO

Charlie went to an infectious disease specialist, whom his internist had recommended. The specialist started taking Charlie's history. His symptoms included swollen neck glands, difficulty swallowing, a sore throat, a low grade fever, and fatigue. The doctor advised him that he had mononucleosis.

"I've developed another symptom," Charlie told the ID specialist. "Besides the ones that I described a few days ago, I'm also farting constantly. Do you think that it could be related to my condition?"

The doctor informed him that passing gas was an unusual indication to be associated with the disease and medical science had no name for the particular affliction.

Exasperated, Charlie replied, "That's super, call it flatulistic mononucleosis."

"Mono A Mono" by Gill Krebs from "The Ants Are My Friends" by Richard Lederer & Stan Kegel ((c) 2007)

"Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" from "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" by Richard M. Sherman and Robert B. Sherman from "Mary Poppins" ((c) 1968 Walt Disney Studios)

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Message: 3
Date: Sun, 8 Jun 2014 07:52:21 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: What's Important

With Bible in hand, I read to the high school religion class: "For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife."

"Okay," I said, "from this Scripture, what do we learn is important in marriage?"

A student blurted out, "Cleavage!"

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Message: 4
Date: Sun, 08 Jun 2014 14:11:37 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Missing

A husband went to police station to file a report for his missing wife.
Husband: I lost my wife, she went shopping, still not back home yet.
Inspector: What is her height?
Husband: I never noticed.
Inspector: Slim or healthy?
Husband: Not slim; maybe she's be healthy.
Inspector: Colour of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Inspector: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes according to season.
Inspector: What was she wearing?
Husband: Slacks ... skirt ... I don't remember exactly.
Inspector: Was she going in a car?
Husband: Yes.
Inspector: Tell me the make, name and color of the car?
Husband: Black Audi A8 with super charged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.

And then the husband started crying.
Inspector: Don't worry sir, We will find your car.

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Message: 5
Date: Sun, 8 Jun 2014 16:59:00 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: In other words ...

"Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are agreed by any and all concerned parties to be imperceptible and are so stipulated, it is incumbent upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise the deferment of otherwise pertinent maintenance procedures."

In other words, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

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Message: 6
Date: Sun, 8 Jun 2014 17:14:34 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Travel Agent Stories

The following are funny stories that may not be factual:

I had someone ask for an aisle seat on the plane so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said "No" He said "But they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1 hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said "I heard Dallas was a big airport and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said "No, why do you ask?" She replied "Well, when I checked in with the airline they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."

A woman called and said "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said "Yeah, whatever"

A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

A woman called to make reservations "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere" The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal" was the reply.

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Message: 7
Date: Sun, 8 Jun 2014 17:37:48 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Rejected Hallmark Greetings, Part 1 <adultish>

You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mends...
here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.

You've announced that you're gay,
won't that be a laugh,
when they find out you're one
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.

Heard your wife left you...
How upset you must be...
But don't fret about it ....
She moved in with me

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert