The Humor List
 

Digest for Friday, June 06, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Shopping List (George Matyjewicz)
2. Ukraine <political> (Maurizio Mariotti)
3. I Was NOT Drunk (Paul Benoit)
4. The Procrastinator's Creed (Stan Kegel)
5. Spotless (Lee Bradley)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Fri, 6 Jun 2014 12:17:59 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Shopping List

My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any.

So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"

The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."

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Message: 2
Date: Sat, 07 Jun 2014 10:26:10 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Ukraine <political>

Angela Merkel had talks with Vladimir Putin on the sidelines of D-Day ceremonies.

What Angela Merkel said: "Russia has a responsibility to stabilize Ukraine."

What Vladimir Putin heard: "Please invade Eastern Ukraine and stabilize it."

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Message: 3
Date: Sat, 7 Jun 2014 07:27:24 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: I Was NOT Drunk

Dude, I wasn't drunk last night....
Then how come you asked your girlfriend if she was single?

Dude, I wasn't drunk last night....
Then how come you were cutting pineapples open yelling, "Spongebob, I know you're in there!"?

Dude, I wasn't drunk last night....
Then why were you yelling at the mirror for copying you?

Dude, I wasn't drunk last night....
Is that why you ate scratch and sniff stickers, because they "smell like Chocolate and Strawberries"?

Dude, I wasn't drunk last night....
So why were you sitting on the TV watching the couch?

Dude, I wasn't drunk last night....
Then why were you trying to speak to the spaghetti in parsel tounge?

Dude, I wasn't drunk last night....
Then why did you stuff my cat into a pillowcase and run around yelling, "It's a pillow! It's a pet! It's a pillowpet!"?

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Message: 4
Date: Sat, 7 Jun 2014 05:05:49 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: The Procrastinator's Creed

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

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Message: 5
Date: Sat, 07 Jun 2014 09:52:08 -0400
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: Spotless

MrsPerfesser was very nervous. She was rushing around the house picking up and cleaning up, shouting orders to The Old Perfesser, wiping dusty surfaces, and putting dirty dishes in the electric dishwasher. "Let's see now, what do I do next? I've washed the sheets and blankets, remade the beds, done the windows. Oh me, I've forgotten to run the vacuum over the living-room rugs. I think I'll have just enough time before the housekeeper gets here this morning!"

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