The Humor List
 

Digest for Thursday, June 05, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. The Modern Toolbox (Anna Welander)
2. Burp! (Lee Bradley)
3. The Test (George Matyjewicz)
4. Children and Cars <adultish> (Maurizio Mariotti)
5. PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS (Stan Kegel)
6. Don't Recognize It? (Paul Benoit)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Thu, 5 Jun 2014 18:44:14 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: The Modern Toolbox

Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.

Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.

Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.

Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.

Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels.

Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.

Halogen Light - A work light that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.

Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.

Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 911.

Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-laws nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.

Chainsaw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.

Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice.

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Message: 2
Date: Thu, 05 Jun 2014 20:55:04 -0400
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: Burp!

Two lions escape from the Rome zoo. About two months later, they happen to see each other and Lion1 says: "Gosh! You're thin!"

Lion2 says, "Sadly, you're right. I spend all my time hiding so that I won't be put back in that awful cage! But, you! You're nice and plump and looking good. How do you manage?"

Lion1 says, "Easy as pie. I slipped into the Vatican and, from time to time, I gobble up a cardinal. Nobody ever seems to notice."

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Message: 3
Date: Thu, 5 Jun 2014 21:55:39 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: The Test

Brian reported for his final exam which consisted of Yes / No answers.

He took his seat in the examination hall, stared at the test, and then in a bit of inspiration, took a quarter out of his pocket. He started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for heads and "No" for tails.

Within 30 minutes he was all done whereas the rest of the class was still sweating it out. During the last few minutes of the exam period, Brian frantically started flipping the coin again.

The moderator, concerned about what he was doing, stopped by his desk and asked if everything was ok.

"Oh yes, I'm fine. I finished the exam a half hour ago-but," explaining the frantic coin tossing, "I'm going back thru and checking my answers!"

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Message: 4
Date: Fri, 06 Jun 2014 11:49:24 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Children and Cars <adultish>

Children in the backseat can cause accidents.
Accidents in the backseat can cause children.

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Message: 5
Date: Fri, 6 Jun 2014 03:12:54 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS

RIDDLES
How is a cat drinking milk like a track star?
They both enjoy taking a few laps

Why do some people always suck on coins?
Because coins are minted. (Stan Kegel)

What type of dog sits in the corner when the doorbell rings?
A boxer

Translate: 2YY's U R - 2YY's U B - I C U R 2YY's 4 ME
Too wise you are, too wise you be, I see you are too wise for me.
++++++++++++++++

PUNS & SHORT JOKES
* You know its a whole new world when Superheroes have to worry about secret?identity theft. (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
* The roundest knight at king Arthur's table was Sir Cumference
* A farmer was attacked by a cow. He milked it for all it was worth.
* A boy who looked like his father, a sculptor, was a chip off the old block
++++++++++++++++

PUN SERIES - MORE ENGLISH IS HARD
* The mother deer does not want her does to eat Play Dough.
* After a number of injections my jaw got number.
* I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
* How can I intimate this to my most intimate friends?
* The accountant at the music store records records of the records.
* The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

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Message: 6
Date: Fri, 6 Jun 2014 07:57:47 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Don't Recognize It?

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really really like someone?
That's common sense leaving your body.

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