The Humor List
 

Digest for Wednesday, June 04, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. It's all about numbers (Anna Welander)
2. How to Look Busy (Anna Welander)
3. College Burnout (Anna Welander)
4. Why women make better assassins <sexist> (Maurizio Mariotti)
5. That Was Fast (Paul Benoit)
6. PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS (Stan Kegel)
7. New chief samurai (Richard Nehrbass)
8. Three groups of Computer users (Anna Welander)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Wed, 4 Jun 2014 21:25:32 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: It's all about numbers

A factory owner said to a store owner, "Thank you, Mr. Smith, for your patronage. I wish I had twenty customers like you."

"Gosh, it's nice to hear that, but I'm kind of surprised," admitted Smith. "You know that I argue every bill and always pay late."

The factory owner said, "I'd still like twenty customers like you. The problem is, I have two hundred."

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Message: 2
Date: Wed, 4 Jun 2014 21:44:40 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: How to Look Busy

Generally, this will not be a concern until you are promoted to an executive position. But once you've created the illusion that you serve even the slightest purpose at your place of "business," there's no telling how far you'll go. In the real working world, productivity is all a matter of appearances.

Appearance: You are furiously taking notes while conducting an important telephone marketing survey.
Reality: You are pretending to take notes while talking to your friend who has called collect from Bulgaria.

Appearance: You are on the phone with a client in New York and you have said, "Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now's a great time to buy, I tell ya!"
Reality: You are on the phone with a friend in Guam and you have said, "Yeah, this job is terrible, and my boss is such a pushy whining ... Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now's a great time to buy, I tell ya!"

Appearance: You are at your computer writing a serious business memorandum to your department supervisor.
Reality: You are at your computer telling dead-baby jokes to your e-mail correspondent in Namibia.

Appearance: You are urgently plugging numbers into a complicated spreadsheet.
Reality: You are playing Tetris.

Appearance: You are tapping away on calculator keys, helping out the accounting department.
Reality: You are paying your electric bill.

Appearance: You are reading the DOS manual.
Reality: You are reading the TV guide you placed in the DOS manual.

Appearance: You are staring at an empty computer screen, absorbed in deep thought.
Reality: You have pressed "Escape" just in time, erasing a MacDraw portrait entitled "Supervisor with Pitchfork Wound Clinging to a Cliff"

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Message: 3
Date: Thu, 5 Jun 2014 12:23:14 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: College Burnout

Are you a college burnout? If you exhibit any of the following, you just might be:
- Your most often used phrase is "I don't give a @#$%!"
- The people at McDonald's know your name and your order from your late night study breaks.
- You're so tired, that you now answer the phone, "Hell?"
- When your parents inquire about your grades, you sing the Cookie Monster song: "C is for cookie, that's good enough for me..."
- You look forward to the occasional time someone pulls the fire alarm just for the break from studying.
- You sleep more in class than in your dorm.
- You leave for a party and instinctively bring your book bag.
- Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.
- You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.
- Before studying for an exam, you first take the time to figure out the lowest grade you need in order to pass it.
- You shower after class rather than before.
- Because of you, the campus convenience store has doubled its order of Ramen Noodles.
- Your test papers are no longer worthy of the fridge door.
- The person on campus who parties the most tells you that you should probably study more.
- Your favorite paperweight says "Bud Light."
- Your absences exceeds your attendance.
- Your study schedule is based on the rationale that you might actually die before the test.
- You overhear people talking about you and one of them remarks, "He's such a college burnout!"

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Message: 4
Date: Thu, 05 Jun 2014 12:47:03 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Why women make better assassins <sexist>

(With apologies to the CIA, which, needless to say, does not hire assassins - MM)

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .. kill her!!!"

The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife". The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to kill him with the chair."

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Message: 5
Date: Thu, 5 Jun 2014 07:20:23 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: That Was Fast

Shinseki Resignation Delayed Due to Loss of Paperwork
http://thenewsosphere.wordpress.com/2014/05/30/shinseki-resignation-delayed-due-to-loss-of-paperwork/

WASHINGTON - Eric Shinseki, secretary of the Veterans Affairs Department, announced his resignation today after a meeting with President Barack Obama, but his request has been delayed as all required paperwork has been misplaced.

"This is a total surprise to me," said Shinseki. "I am also very disappointed with how the resignation process is conducted. The people responsible should be held accountable for their blatant negligence."

Shinseki discovered the loss of paperwork after waiting approximately six hours in line, but sources say that office records indicate his wait was under thirty minutes.

"I would not want to live in a world where this appalling behavior exists. Treating hard-working people like this who support America, and in some ways protect it, well, that is an abomination."

Former Vice President Dick Cheney weighed in on the embarrassment. "This is not something that would have happened under Bush's term as president, because we would never have let anyone apply for help in the first place, said Cheney.

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Message: 6
Date: Thu, 5 Jun 2014 04:31:50 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS

RIDDLES
Why did the window cry?
Because it had a pane

How do athletes stay cool during a game?
They stand in front of the fans

Why did the Amish wife apply for a divorce?
Her husband was driving her buggy.

Why did the man take a shovel to dinner?
It was time to dig in
++++++++++++++++

PUNS & SHORT JOKES
* She was the apple of his eye and he liked to sit down be cider.
* Even if you're on the right track, you can still get hit by a train.
* Did you hear about the corduroy pillow? It's making headlines
* When I ask about cloning, all I get is double-talk.
* When the cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
++++++++++++++++

PUN SERIES - ENGLISH IS HARD
* The farm was used to produce produce.
* The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
* He could lead if he could get the lead out.
* When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
* There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
++++++++++++++++

GROANERS & LONG JOKES
When a bumblebee sits on a trough,
Many houseflies there often will scoff.
They don't like the bee near.
It is met with a jeer
And they taunt him by saying, "Buzz off!"
(Kirk Miller)

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Message: 7
Date: Thu, 05 Jun 2014 04:46:11 -0700
From: Richard Nehrbass
Subject: New chief samurai

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief. A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half. The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces. The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."

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Message: 8
Date: Thu, 5 Jun 2014 17:14:00 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Three groups of Computer users

Computer users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.

Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.

Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.

Expert Users - People who break other people's computers.

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