The Humor List

Digest for Sunday, June 01, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. The 15 most ridiculous things flight attendants have heard on the plane (George Matyjewicz)
2. High (Potato) Society (Stan Kegel)
3. Pauly and Maury <adultish innuendo> (Maurizio Mariotti)
4. Wal-Mart Arms Greeters With Semi-Automatic Guns <long/satire> (Paul Benoit)
5. Teetotaler (Grady Lacy)

Message: 1
Date: Sun, 1 Jun 2014 12:20:20 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: The 15 most ridiculous things flight attendants have heard on the plane

1. "Do they pay for your hotel rooms?" I love this one. Can you imagine if the whole crew was staying in different places and the junior people were grabbing a park bench to sleep on, or couch surfing in their uniforms? Yes, the airline pays for hotels and arranges transportation to and from the hotel. Otherwise, every flight would be late while we figured out where so and so was staying.

2. Where are the lines between the states? You would be surprised how many people think there are actual lines between the states like on a map.

3. On night flights we will go through the cabin with trays of orange juice and water. Passengers will look at the tray and say: "Which one is the orange juice and which is the water?"

4. "When do I change the time on my watch or will it change itself as we go?"

5. "I don't mean to scare you, but something out there has been following us for hours!" It's the light on the wing.

6. We ask, "would you like cream and sugar in your coffee?" and they hesitate like it's a difficult 'Jeopardy' question.

7. It takes years before you realize you can answer people's questions with the wrong answer and they never know the difference. When they ask what river they are looking at, I always say Mississippi-no matter where we are in the country. Same thing with the circular irrigation circles you see in farm areas. "What are those circles out there?" Private helicopter landing pads.

8. What country is Hawaii in?

9. We point to where the bathroom is and the passenger just stands there.I'll point to it again and they will say "it's vacant." They have no idea what the word vacant means, I guess we really shouldn't use such fancy words like vacant.

10. "Have we landed yet?"

11. "Do you have a writing pen?"

12. We no longer have pillows in the economy cabin. A passenger asked me for a pillow and I told him they were discontinued. He asked "were people choking on them?"

13. "How do I move my seat forward?"

14. "When did you guys start wearing uniforms?"

15. On the customs and immigration form it says: Sex M-F. Passengers will ask if it means how many times they have sex Monday to Friday!!!

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Message: 2
Date: Mon, 2 Jun 2014 01:38:53 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: High (Potato) Society

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were poor their entire lives. So, when their daughter Sweet Potato was born, they decided they would do all in their power to assure her a good chance for success. For years they struggled to pay for her education and ensure her a good future.

Then three weeks before graduation, Sweet Potato returned home and announced she was dropping out of college. Her astonished parents caught their breath and sat down.

"Why?" was their obvious question.

Sweet Potato replied: "I don't have to complete college to get into high society. I'm going to marry into it."

"And who are you going to marry?"

"Eric Serveried," was the confident answer.

The Potatoes were so distraught with her answer that Sweet Potato felt bewildered.

She was convinced they would instantly approve and now she was not certain of anything. "What's wrong with me marrying him? He will allow me to achieve all you ever wanted for me."

"Don't you understand?" they replied in unison. "He's just a common tator."
"High Society" from "Groan And Bear it" by Gary Younglove ((c) 2010)

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Message: 3
Date: Mon, 02 Jun 2014 12:21:42 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Pauly and Maury <adultish innuendo>

Maury is new to America and his buddy and coworker Pauly is educating him about things American.

One evening at the bar, Maury asks, "Why do Americans eat turkey for Thanksgiving?"

Pauly thinks for a moment and then replies, "Well, I suppose that when the pilgrims landed, if they had shot a cat instead of a turkey, we'd be eating pussy for Thanksgiving."

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Message: 4
Date: Mon, 2 Jun 2014 08:14:12 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Wal-Mart Arms Greeters With Semi-Automatic Guns <long/satire>

BENTONVILLE, Ark. (CAP) - In an attempt to ensure the safety of both its employees and patrons, Wal-Mart has announced that its greeters will be outfitted with body armor and Kimber ICQB semi-automatic pistols, effective immediately.

"We know our customers are always excited to experience our high quality merchandise and terrific values," said Wal-Mart director of security Clint Redman. "That said, we want them to realize that if they become unruly, we are within our rights to shoot them in the chest."

The move to arm greeters has raised eyebrows in some quarters, particularly given the problems Wal-Mart encountered in 2005 when it tried outfitting some greeters with Tasers. Wal-Mart aborted the program when it came out that more than half of those greeters wound up accidentally shocking themselves while on duty.

"It was getting to the point where small children wouldn't want to come into the store, because they were afraid they might see the greeter lying on the floor convulsing again," admitted Redman.

However, Redman attributed that problem to the "generation gap" involved in issuing such "new-fangled" equipment to greeters, most of whom are over 75 and unfamiliar with much of the technology involved in modern retail, such as Tasers, product scanners and cash registers.

"In my day an old shoe box full of change worked just fine," said Clarence Friedrichsen, 83, a greeter at the Wal-Mart Supercenter in Boonville, Ind.

But as for firearms, Redman noted that most of the greeters are very comfortable with carrying them, and many have even offered to bring in their own weapons to work.

"It just make senses for us to be carrying," said Friedrichsen, waving his locked and loaded Colt M1911A1. "Frankly, I've been lugging this baby around since the War, and I figure I don't have much time left to get a few more notches on the old barrel."

Fred Cranston, 79, a greeter at the Wal-Mart in Caruthersville, Mo., agreed. "Between you and me, I've been bringing my piece to work for years," he said over the sound of his Browning 9mm pistol discharging as he practiced shooting coffee cans off the fence in his backyard. "Sometimes when a kid's yowling or acting up, I'll lift my shirt and show him the handle sticking out of my waistband. I tell ya, that stops 'em crying right quick."

Still, there are those who are afraid that arming the greeters might just escalate the violence and even increase annual fatalities at Wal-Mart, which tend to average between 250-300 customers and employees, typically the result of boxes that fall on them from a high shelf.

"It's our opinion that fewer guns is always better than more guns," said Darlene Fortenski of Mothers Against Everything (MAE), whose group has also raised concerns over small children injured when the bins of $5 DVDs nobody wants have overflowed, burying them.

Still, Wal-Mart seems determined to go forward with the plan. "We plan to have every greeter armed by the start of next month," said Redman, if they can get the training done and reassign to other positions the 30 percent of greeters known to have at least one glass eye and/or a history of psychosis.

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Message: 5
Date: Mon, 2 Jun 2014 10:12:01 -0400
From: Grady Lacy
Subject: Teetotaler

"I'd hate to be a teetotaler. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day." - Dean Martin

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert