The Humor List
 

Digest for Thursday, May 29, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Anchors Aweigh (George Matyjewicz)
2. Not cut out for the job (Topolski, Leonard P.)
3. Breaking News (Maurizio Mariotti)
4. INSTRUCTIONS (Paul Benoit)
5. PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS (Stan Kegel)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Thu, 29 May 2014 15:07:47 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Anchors Aweigh

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea-captain. "What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir."

"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?"

"Throw out another anchor."

"Hold on," said the Captain, "where are you getting all your anchors from?"

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."

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Message: 2
Date: Thu, 29 May 2014 22:39:02 -0500
From: Topolski, Leonard P.
Subject: Not cut out for the job

I don't think I'll ever have a mother's intuition. My sister left me alone in a restaurant with my 10-month-old nephew. I said, "What do I do if he cries?"

She said, "Give him some vegetables."

It turns out that jalapeno is not his favorite.

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Message: 3
Date: Fri, 30 May 2014 09:55:33 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Breaking News

Edward Snowden, interviewed by NBC, says he was trained as a spy, cites his love for Aston Martin, Dom Perignon, hot women

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Message: 4
Date: Fri, 30 May 2014 08:29:37 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: INSTRUCTIONS

HOW TO MAKE A BLT
B ... Bacon
L ... Little more bacon
T ... Top it off with bacon

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Message: 5
Date: Fri, 30 May 2014 05:39:37 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS

RIDDLES
What is the royal title given to the person who tells the most far-fetched unbelievable story?
The Lyin? King (Gary Hallock)

What can you make by putting two banana peels together?
A pair of slippers.

Why was the musician arrested?
Because he got in treble!

What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean?
Nothing, they just waved.
++++++++++++++++

PUNS & SHORT JOKES
To find the marionette I wanted, I had to pull a couple of strings.
To do his job, a minor needs tunnel vision.
Babies usually wake up in the wee-wee hours of the morning?
A carpenter finished a piece of work and then varnished without a trace. (Mike Bull)
++++++++++++++++

PUN SERIES - PROVERBS
Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.
Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.
Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.
The world is full of willing people: Some are willing to work and some are willing to let them.
A man who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.
++++++++++++++++

GROANERS & LONG JOKES
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Humus.
Humus who?
Humus remember this, a kiss is just a kiss.

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