The Humor List

Digest for Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Definitions (George Matyjewicz)
2. Idiot sighting (Grady Lacy)
3. Climate Change Warning <satire> (Paul Benoit)
4. Pauly and Maury (Maurizio Mariotti)
5. God loves a winner (Lee Bradley)

Message: 1
Date: Tue, 27 May 2014 12:21:34 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz

Jamie asked his dad to explain the difference between irritation, aggravation, and frustration.

His father picked up the phone and dialed a number at random. When the phone was answered, he asked, "Can I speak to Rolf, please?"

"No! There's no one named Rolf here," replies the person who answered the phone.

The father hung up. "That, my boy, is irritation."

He picked up the phone again, dialed the same number, then asked for Rolf a second time. "No, there's no one here called Rolf. Go away. If you call again I'm calling the cops," the person said.

The father hung up and said, "That's aggravation."

"Then what's frustration?" asked Jamie. The father picked up the phone and dialed the same number a third time.

"Hello, this is Rolf. Have I received any phone calls?"

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Message: 2
Date: Tue, 27 May 2014 22:27:20 -0400
From: Grady Lacy
Subject: Idiot sighting

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.

She said, "You gave me too much money."

I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back."

She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so.

He handed me back the quarter, and said, 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing."

The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

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Message: 3
Date: Wed, 28 May 2014 07:37:02 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Climate Change Warning <satire>

Climatologists Advise Women To Remove Their Shirts

BRUSSELS - The International Fraternity of Climate Scientists has again issued dire predictions for the stability of weather patterns, saying that because global temperatures will continue to rise, women must remove their tops now - before it's too late.

"As carbon emissions continue to wreak havoc on weather, women may find themselves getting warm, even feeling like they might faint," said Dr. Frederic Geerts, president of the all-male climate science organization that was founded in Brussels in 1921 during a weekend of heavy drinking and inordinate barometric pressure readings. "We cannot wait any longer for the world's ladies to disrobe."

The warnings come amid contradictory suggestions from Dr. Hamoud Alessa, a respected climatologist who leads a research team at Shaqra University in Saudi Arabia. Alessa confirms that global temperatures are rising, but he says that women everywhere should cover themselves, completely if possible, to avoid damage from the heat.

"Women should not be taking off pieces of clothing," Alessa said. "In fact, they must show less skin if we want to combat the deleterious effects of climate change on their virtue."

Geerts counters that women are getting all hot, and they want to take off their shirts anyway. Now is the time for them to unbutton their blouses - before their hands get all sweaty after temperatures climb, he says.
"We cannot let the deniers and skeptics confuse us with pseudoscience," Geerts said. "Women everywhere know it's getting hot, and they'd feel a lot better letting the breeze cool them."

Alessa responded by saying: "I implore women everywhere to cover up, before my peer Dr. Geerts starts running around like a dog and humping everyone's legs, as happened last time Belgium suffered from a heat wave."

Another all-male research team from the University of Sao Paulo in Brazil has offered yet a third suggestion, which is that some women should indeed remain covered, but others, particularly Patricia Guilhoto, a graduate student in the climatology department, should feel free to take off her shirt, as long as she does it slowly.

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Message: 4
Date: Wed, 28 May 2014 14:28:54 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Pauly and Maury

Two children, Little Pauly and Little Maury were in a doctor's waiting room. Maury was sobbing.

"Why are you crying?" asked Pauly.

"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said Maury.

When he heard this, Pauly started to wail.

"Why are you crying?" asked Maury.

"I'm here for a urine test!"

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Message: 5
Date: Wed, 28 May 2014 09:56:45 -0400
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: God loves a winner

Cesare Prandelli, the coach of the Italian soccer team, was giving an interview after the game with Germany: "We won, because we prayed to God before the game! Yeah!!!!! Go, Blues!!"

"But," said the interviewer, "I was just talking to Philipp Lahm, the captain of the German team, and he said they prayed to God to give THEM, The Eagle, the victory; what's with that?"

Prandelli snorted, "Obviously they didn't pray in Italian!"

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert