The Humor List

Digest for Saturday, May 24, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Handy Guide When Writing a PhD (Anna Welander)
2. Lady Logic (Grady Lacy) DELETED - PUBLISHED 04/07/2014
3. Good School District (George Matyjewicz)
4. A Sonnet (Stan Kegel)
5. PLAY BALL!!! (Paul Benoit)
6. Birth control <adultish> (Lee Bradley)
7. How Many Lawyers Does it Take to Screw In a Light Bulb (Emko Witteveen)

Message: 1
Date: Sat, 24 May 2014 21:32:33 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Handy Guide When Writing a PhD

Working on your Ph.D.? You might see it as a monumental task, but don't sweat it. Make the process easier by using this ... Handy guide to Ph.D. Research:
1. When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
2. Experience is directly proportional to the quantity of equipment ruined or destroyed.
3. Past experience is always correct, and should never be misled by present facts.
4. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
5. Don't believe in miracles, rely on them.
6. Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
7. Record of data is essential, it indicates you have been doing something.
8. No matter what result is anticipated, someone will always fit the facts to it.
9. No matter what happens, there is always someone that believes it happened according to his or her pet theory.
10. The probability of an event occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability.
11. The quantity which when added to, subtracted from, divided into, or multiplied by the results obtained experimentally to give the correct result, is known as a constant.
12. Experiments must be reproducible, they should fail in the same way.
13. If any experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
14. An experiment may be considered successful if no more than half the data must be discarded to obtain the results required.
15. For neatness, always draw the curves first and afterward plot the data.
16. If an experiment is a complete failure it can always be used as a bad example.

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Message: 2
Date: Sat, 24 May 2014 21:38:27 -0400
From: Grady Lacy
Subject: Lady Logic DELETED - PUBLISHED 04/07/2014

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Message: 3
Date: Sat, 24 May 2014 21:48:44 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Good School District

Both Lake Washington (Renton, WA) and Bellevue districts are noted for their support of home schoolers. One day a woman called looking for information on what she would need to do to homeschool. The Bellevue spokesperson was explaining procedures and what to do to the mother on the telephone. Among other things, the mother needed to file a declaration of intent, a kind of home school registration. The spokeswoman offered to send out the proper form.

The mother gave a Renton address.

The spokeswoman suggested registering the children in her home district in Renton, the Lake Washington School District.

"No way," said the mother. "Everyone knows Bellevue schools are much better than Renton schools." (She had to be blond).

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Message: 4
Date: Sun, 25 May 2014 01:45:39 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: A Sonnet

An Indian chief with chronic stomach aches goes to the tribe's medicine man to check his health and get a cure. The shaman takes an elk-hide thong he had around his neck and gives it to the chief. "Each day you'll chew a bite off this, grind it to bits and swallow, and in a moon you should be good as new provided that you take good care to follow what I've prescribed."

A month from then the chief returns, but with the same old stomach pains. He's eaten the whole thing, and to his grief he is no better, bitterly complains, "Everything that you told me, I have done. The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

"A Sonnet" by Pedro J. Saavedra from "The Ants Are My Friends" by Richard Lederer & Stan Kegel ((c) 2007)
"The song is ended, but the melody lingers on" from "The Song Is Ended" by Irving Berlin & Beda Loehner ((c) 1927)

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Message: 5
Date: Sun, 25 May 2014 07:48:00 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: PLAY BALL!!

It's baseball season now, and most ballparks will have someone sing 'God bless America' at some point during the game.

Which is pretty strange, considering the world is billions of years old (or at least 6000), and the U.S.of A. isn't even 250 years old yet, but *THAT* is when God decided to choose a team?

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Message: 6
Date: Sun, 25 May 2014 09:16:10 -0400
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: Birth control <adultish>

"Doctor," said the voluptuous young movie starlet who was inexplicably far too popular with the media, "surely you recognize the pressure that is put on me all day and especially all night. What can I do to keep from becoming pregnant?"

"Easy," said the doctor, "all you have to do is drink a glass of water."

"Oh, doctor, I don't understand. Do you mean 'before' or 'after'?"'

"Neither," said the doctor. "In lieu of."

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Message: 7
Date: Sun, 25 May 2014 09:32:29 -0600
From: Emko Witteveen
Subject: How Many Lawyers Does it Take to Screw In a Light Bulb

Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the aforementioned task in a timely and efficient manner within the structure in which said bulb is housed and being dependent on the following variables: Whereas it should be taken in to account that ceiling heights may differ significantly from fixture to fixture, the altitude of defective bulb must first be determined upon which point the lawyer or lawyers shall at their option choose an appropriate means of elevation including but not limited to a chair, stepstool, table, or ladder; Whereas the height of said means of elevation may require support depending upon the altitude, trajectory, and any encumbrances including but not limited to furniture, stairs, load bearing members, and columns; and Whereas the bulb must be disposed of depending on the type of bulb in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes; The answer to the aforementioned question can only be answered in one way.

It depends.
By SouthernTeapot

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
Corollary: Following the rules will not get the job done.

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert