The Humor List
 

Digest for Thursday, May 22, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Kids' Theories of Science (George Matyjewicz)
2. Locked car (Grady Lacy)
3. PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS (Stan Kegel)
4. Missing (Paul Benoit)
5. Batman vs. Superman - Dawn of Justice (Maurizio Mariotti)
6. S&M (Lee Bradley)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Thu, 22 May 2014 12:14:50 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Kids Theories of Science

When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.

There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.

We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.

Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

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Message: 2
Date: Thu, 22 May 2014 19:26:39 -0400
From: Grady Lacy
Subject: Locked car

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.

We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!'

His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'

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Message: 3
Date: Fri, 23 May 2014 03:29:38 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS

RIDDLES
Why aren't they making baseball bats any longer?
Because they are long enough already.

Where do space bees go after they get married?
On a honey moon.

Who wears the smallest hat?
A narrow-minded person.

What did the coach say to his losing team of snakes?
You can't venom all.
++++++++++++++++

PUNS & SHORT JOKES
The young quarterback made the team because he passed the test.
The young hotel chef was noted for his capers.
When he found his dog, the butcher discovered the missing link.
Old sailors never die, they just don't get the drift.
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
++++++++++++++++

PUN SERIES - SCIENCE BLOOPERS
Rain is known to be soft water. Hard water is called hail.

To most people solutions mean finding the answers. To chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.

When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions

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Message: 4
Date: Fri, 23 May 2014 07:18:37 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Missing

Seems the orchestra's conductor needed surgery and was to be out for two weeks. The first chair violist was chosen to fill in.

Two weeks later, the conductor returned and the violist went back to his regular seat. The second chair violist turned to him and said: "Where have you been for the past two weeks?"

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Message: 5
Date: Fri, 23 May 2014 15:18:55 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Batman vs. Superman - Dawn of Justice

In the news:
The only thing that dawned when the official "Batman vs. Superman" title was announced on Wednesday was how much the Internet hated it.
<http://www.cnn.com/2014/05/21/showbiz/movies/batman-superman-dawn-of-justice/index.html>

MM offers the following alternative titles:
* Superman vs. Batman (there's a difference)
* Batman and Superman fight over Robin (gay movie)
* Batman and Superman fight over Wonder Woman (straight movie)
* Batman vs. Superman - Titles don't get any stupider than that
* Batman vs. Superman - Let the Box Office decide
* Batman vs. Superman - A camp fashion-challenged contest

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Message: 6
Date: Fri, 23 May 2014 11:32:07 -0400
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: S&M <adultish>

A masochist and a sadist go to bed together, and the masochist screams: "Hurt me! Hurt me! I need you to hurt me right now!"

And the sadist sneers, "No!!!"

The masochist says, "Again! Do it again!"

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