The Humor List
 

Digest for Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Pearly Gates (George Matyjewicz)
2. What Do You Do? (2) (Paul Benoit)
3. PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS (Stan Kegel)
4. Pauly and Maury <adult> (Maurizio Mariotti)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Tue, 20 May 2014 12:10:02 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Pearly Gates

A man died and went to The Judgment, they told him , "Before you meet with God, I should tell you - we've looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?"

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, "Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!"

"Wow that's impressive! When did this happen?"

"About three minutes ago," came the reply.

________________________________________
Message: 2
Date: Wed, 21 May 2014 06:00:44 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: What Do You Do? (2)

9 More Brutally Honest Job Descriptions

"Summer Intern"
- Lead developer of strategies for rebuffing unwanted sexual advances

"Recruiter"
- Professional LinkedIn browser

"Building Security"
- Official recipient of awkward morning greetings

"Account Executive"
- Lunch bill payer

"Copywriter"
- Head of looking at random stuff on the internet until five minutes before something's due

"Events Coordinator"
- Lead facilitator of alcohol-related terminations

"Executive Assistant"
- Extramarital affairs manager

"Customer Service Rep"
- Chief transferor of your call to someone else

"Entrepreneur"
- CEO of something not worth anything

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Message: 3
Date: Wed, 21 May 2014 04:28:22 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS

RIDDLES
What did the beaver say to the tree?
"It's been nice gnawing you."

What's the difference between a running man and a running dog?
One wears trousers and the other pants.

What do dentists like most about amusement parks?
Molar coasters.

Two hot dogs got into a competition to see who could cover the greatest distance in a one-minute sprint. Who won?
The frank-further (Cynthia MacGregor}
++++++++++++++++

PUNS & SHORT JOKES
A good pun is like a good steak: a rare medium well done.
I had a blood test the other day, it took a lot out of me.
If you dream in vivid colors, is that a pigment of your imagination?
A bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied!
++++++++++++++++

GROANERS & LONG JOKES
Florence Nightingale had lots of grace.
Each new patient who came to her place
She would greet with a smile.
That was just the gal's style
'Cause she had a hospitable face.
(Kirk Miller)

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Message: 4
Date: Wed, 21 May 2014 15:14:32 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Pauly and Maury <adult>

Pauly and Maury are at the bar, typically plastered and chatting.

Pauly asks, "Do you ever watch your wife's face while you're having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once." Maury replies.

"Well, how did she look?" Pauly enquires.

Maury admits, "Oh boy ... she looked VERY angry!"

Pauly asks, "Why?"

"She was watching through the window my having sex with her sister."

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