The Humor List

Digest for Monday, May 19, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Thanks A Lot (George Matyjewicz)
2. Bunny Tale (Anna Welander)
3. Dumb (Anna Welander)
4. Dear Diary (Maurizio Mariotti)
5. Don't Rush Me!! (Paul Benoit)
6. 12 Step Program for Web Addicts (Anna Welander)
7. Signs You've Chosen A "No Frills" Airline (Anna Welander)
8. Talmudic Humor (Phil G)

Message: 1
Date: Mon, 19 May 2014 12:21:30 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Thanks A Lot

"Oh no! Not leftovers again!" complained my older sister when she saw the leftover meatloaf on the table from last night's supper.

"Young lady" responded my father sternly, "do you know how many people would love to have a delicious supper like this?! You should be ashamed of yourself! Now before we start eating I want to hear you say grace thanking the Lord for this delicious meal!"

"Thank you Lord for this delicious supper," muttered my sister submissively, "..again!"

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Message: 2
Date: Mon, 19 May 2014 18:37:52 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Bunny Tale

A man looks out the window into his back yard and sees his dog shaking and tossing something into the air. He rushed out to find that it was the neighbors' rabbit, Mr. Bun Bun, and he was very dead.

The man decided that he could not possibly explain to his neighbors how his dog had gotten into their yard and broke into the rabbit cage and killed Mr. Bun Bun while they were away.

He bathed Mr. Bun Bun until completely clean and dry, placed him back in his cage, re-latched the door and hoped they would believe that their rabbit had passed away peacefully.

Several days later, the man notices his neighbor mowing his lawn, so he walks over and asks how things were going. "Well" the neighbor says, "not so well. We lost Mr. Bun Bun last week, and we are all still very upset about it all."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that."

"Yes, we found him one day when we got home, and he must have died in his sleep because he looked so peaceful."

(Whew!) "Well, that does not sound too bad."

"Oh no, and we were not surprised: I mean he was very old, and had really started to show his age the last few months."

"I guess I am a bit confused then, as to why your family is still upset."

"Well, we buried the little guy out by the back fence and thought we were all done with it, but you are not going to believe this: Someone dug him up, cleaned him up and put his body back into his cage as some form of mean and nasty practical joke."

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Message: 3
Date: Mon, 19 May 2014 18:56:52 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Dumb

There were these two professors arguing over which one had the dumber child. Each professor thought his was the bigger idiot. The first professor yells "There is no way that your son is dumber. My son has to be THE stupidest kid on Earth."

The second professor says "No way, Jose. My son is the bigger idiot."

The first professor says "Let me prove it to you. Hey Jake! (Jake runs to his father) I don't know if I left myself at the office or not. Would you run there and find out. If I'm there then tell me to come home and eat dinner."

The son says, gleefully, "Sure dad" and runs off.

The second professor not to be outdone says "Oh Yea! Watch this! Hey Sam! Come here! (Sam runs to his father) Here are two pennies. With one penny buy a car and the other buy a microwave."

Sam says "OK." and leaves. The professors keep arguing.

Jake and Sam meet in the street. And they start arguing which one has the dumber father. Jay says, "Well listen. My father told me to find out if he is at the office or not. Well, all he had to do was to call the office and find out himself. Two minutes and he would be done. That is stupid if I've ever heard it."

Sam says "Well that is nothing. My dad told me to buy a car with one penny and a microwave with the other. But he didn't tell me which penny was for the car and which one is for the microwave."

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Message: 4
Date: Tue, 20 May 2014 10:55:37 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Dear Diary

[Excerpted from MM's secret diary]

Dear Diary,
Mrs. MM was curious when she found an old negative at the bottom of a drawer and had it made into a print.

I guess she was pleasantly surprised to see that it was of her at a much younger, much slimmer time, taken many years ago on one of her first dates with me.

When she showed me the photos, my face lit up. "Wow, look at that!", I said with appreciation, "That's my old Peugeot 504! I loved that car!"

Inexplicably, she has not spoken to me for two days.

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Message: 5
Date: Tue, 20 May 2014 06:26:31 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Don't Rush Me!

[excerpted from The Old Perfesser's diary]

Dear Diary,
Meeting with the new pastor, I asked if I could have a church service when I eventually die.

"Of course," he said, grabbing his date book. "What day would you like?"

- The Old Perfesser

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Message: 6
Date: Tue, 20 May 2014 15:01:14 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: 12 Step Program for Web Addicts

1. I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2. I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3. I will get dressed before noon.
4. I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5. I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6. I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7. I will read a book ... if I still remember how.
8. I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9. During TV commercials I will not be tempted to check for email.
10. I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, whether I have to or not.
11. I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12. Last but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime, and the Web will be there tomorrow.

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Message: 7
Date: Tue, 20 May 2014 15:05:25 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Signs You've Chosen A "No Frills" Airline

1. You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change.
2. Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
3. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
4. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
5. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
6. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."
7. No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
8. You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
9. All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

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Message: 8
Date: Tue, 20 May 2014 10:34:20 -0400
From: Phil G
Subject: Talmudic Humor

It is related that Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan was once asked if there are any jokes in the Talmud, and his response was, "Yes, but they're all old."

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert