The Humor List

Digest for Thursday, May 15, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Thoughts (George Matyjewicz)
2. If college students wrote the Bible (Maybe disrespectful) (Anna Welander)
3. Farmer's son at college (Anna Welander)
4. Hot Dog! <contains satire> (Paul Benoit)
5. Dear Diary (Maurizio Mariotti)
6. Splitsville (Lee Bradley)

Message: 1
Date: Thu, 15 May 2014 12:07:45 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Thoughts

I thought a thought. But the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I thought.

If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought, I wouldn't have thought so much.

Message: 2
Date: Thu, 15 May 2014 20:44:39 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: If college students wrote the Bible (Maybe disrespectful)

* The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning - cold.
* The Ten Commandments would actually be only five; double spaced and written in large font.
* A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.
* Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.
* Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's E-mail to <>
* Reason Cain killed Abel; they were roommates.
* Reason why Moses and followers walked the desert for 40 years; they didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.
* Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

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Message: 3
Date: Thu, 15 May 2014 20:47:14 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Farmer's son at college

A fifth generation farmer has determined that his son will be the first in their family to go to college. So he and the wife save every penny for years and when the big day comes for junior to leave for school, the old man is the proudest he's ever been.

After the first semester junior comes home for Christmas break and the old man sits him down for a talk. "Well, boy, you been at school for three months now, I want you to tell me some of that fancy book learnin'."

So junior says, "My favorite class is math, pa. Just last week we learned a new formula ... Pi r squared."

At hearing this the old man screws up his eyes and smacks his forehead, "Dog gone-it! I spent all that money on schooling and all you can tell me is Pi r squared? Why everybody knows pie are round ... CORNBREAD are squared!"

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Message: 4
Date: Fri, 16 May 2014 05:59:28 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Hot Dog!! <contains satire>

Two immigrants have just arrived in the United States and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we are going live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

US Hotdog Makers to Stop Using Real Dog Meat <satire>

PORTLAND, OR-An American dietary staple is about to change forever. Representatives from the five major US hotdog manufacturers met here today to discuss the future of the hotdog industry, which has been under fire in recent years by organizations like PETA, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, for the alleged inhumane conditions at several wiener dog ranches that provide meat for the tasty treats. Shortly after the meeting adjourned, it was announced that the heads of all five manufacturers had agreed to phase out the use of actual dog meat in their products by early next year.

Tanner Brockett, a spokesman for the United Hotdog Association, claims the decision has less to do with the pressure of animal rights' groups, and more to do with a dwindling supply of wiener dogs.

"First off, PETA has been flat-out wrong in their claims about the treatment of wiener dogs," Brockett asserts, "Since 1997, all major US hotdog makers have been using 100% free range dogs for our meat. These animals live happy lives before they are slaughtered. The fact is, the American people eat hotdogs faster than these little guys can breed. And that is the sole reason for this decision."

Brockett says the hotdog industry faces an uncertain future, even as hotdog sales have been strong in recent years. He would not confirm what meat product would replace wiener dog meat, but said several exciting developments were underway.

"We've looked at a number of different meat sources," Brockett says, "But any hotdog lover will tell you that real dog meat is hard to beat. It's delicious, and the primary reason United Hotdog has been such a strong organization. But our members will all tell you that we all expect to emerge from this transition even stronger."

Willow Everest, a spokesman for PETA, calls the announcement a huge victory for animal rights' activists across the world, and a major step towards repopulating the rapidly shrinking wiener dog population.

"Now we can focus on saving this majestic animal," Everest says, "PETA has been incredibly worried about the fate of the standard wiener dog. As you know, the giant wiener dog, which once boasted numbers in the tens of millions, is virtually extinct. You can thank Oscar Mayer for that. This is a huge victory for dog lovers. Well, not so much hotdog lovers, I guess, but it's still a victory."

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Message: 5
Date: Fri, 16 May 2014 14:32:55 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Dear Diary

[Excerpted from MM's secret diary]

Dear Diary,
I read a quote by Peter McWilliams that said: "To avoid situations in which you might make mistakes may be the biggest mistake of all."

That's what I told the traffic cop when I plunged into the morning traffic in Rome and did some, ahem, stunts.

Didn't work, got a huge fine.

So much for trusting wise quotes.

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Message: 6
Date: Fri, 16 May 2014 09:34:50 -0400
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: Splitsville

Two old geezers in the Assisted Living Facility were retelling (again) their life stories to each other. One said, "Yes, I was in vaudeville. A star! I would saw my wife in two, but then, unfortunately, we got divorced."

"Oh? I notice you never have any visitors. Where does she live now?"

"In San Diego ... and in Richmond."

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Douglas Harter
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