The Humor List
 

Digest for Friday, May 09, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Good News, Bad News (George Matyjewicz)
2. Picture for grandma (Adultish) (Anna Welander)
3. You wouldn't want to hear (Anna Welander)
4. The peanut <Adult> (Maurizio Mariotti)
5. The new police recruit (Paul Benoit)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Fri, 9 May 2014 12:07:08 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Good News, Bad News

Larry tripped on a broken curb and went to the hospital.

After examining him, the doctor said, "I have some good news, and some bad news for you. First of all, you'll never be able to work again."

Larry replied, "Okay, now what's the bad news?"

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Message: 2
Date: Fri, 9 May 2014 22:00:20 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Picture for grandma (Adultish)

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.

He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style ... it makes your nose look too short. Love Grandma."

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Message: 3
Date: Fri, 9 May 2014 22:15:21 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: You wouldn't want to hear

Top ten things you don't want to hear from your real estate agent when you go to settlement on your new home:
1. "I think unexplained crop circles add a unique flair to any home's garden."
2. "Actually, it's only the rear portion of the yard that overlaps the ancient Indian burial ground."
3. "Yes, the last owner did donate the house to the Hell's Angels, but I'm told that the judge has ordered them not to come within 50 feet of it."
4. "One bleeding mirror doesn't necessarily mean it's haunted."
5. "Your neighbor has assured me that, technically, they're not 'killer' bees."
6. "Even if there was a full-scale mudslide, it's unlikely that it would reach as far back as your property."
7. "It's quite common for roaches to grow that big even when not in the presence of radioactivity."
8. "Did you know that the punk band "Grave Robber" holds their practice sessions right next door?"
9. "It's true that they died in the house, but the prosecutor was never actually able to prove it was murder."
10. "You can barely hear the sheet metal factory at night."

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Message: 4
Date: Sat, 10 May 2014 11:00:32 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: The peanut <adult>

Mary, a 17 year-old virgin, goes out on a date with Mark. Her mother says, "Boys being boys, he'll get fresh, but whatever he asks, just don't open your legs."

Later at night, Mary comes home and says, "Mom! Mark has a penis like a peanut!"

"Did you open your legs?" asks the mother, worrying already.

"No," replies the girl.

"So, what do you mean, Mary? Is it shaped like a peanut?"

"No," says Mary. "It's salty."

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Message: 5
Date: Sat, 10 May 2014 07:58:59 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: The new police recruit

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He answered, "Call for backup."

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