The Humor List

Digest for Wednesday, May 07, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Age Takes It's Toll (George Matyjewicz)
2. Ratings <news satire> (Paul Benoit)
3. 10 Ways GA guns and gals are alike <sexual innuendos> (Lee Bradley)
4. Girls' Night Out (Maurizio Mariotti)

Message: 1
Date: Wed, 7 May 2014 12:14:00 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Age Takes Its Toll

Three older ladies were discussing the trials of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, "Well, I'm sure glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood." She raps her knuckles on the table, then she, says, "That must be the door, I'll get it."

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Message: 2
Date: Thu, 8 May 2014 06:28:24 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Ratings <news satire>

CNN Renews Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 for Second Season

Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 will soar into a second season on CNN.
Confirmation of the popular reality saga's renewal surprised few as the story has dominated the network's programming en route to sky high ratings since its debut.

"It's a fascinating story, and there are still so many questions left to answer," remarked CNN Senior Vice President Mark Davies, "For instance, will the family of pilot Zaharie Ahmad Shah continue to stand behind him? Will the grieving widow Lei Shanshan sink further into depression while searching for answers? And, of course, what the heck happened to that doggone plane?"

Davies teased that Season 2 of MA-370 would "most likely" resolve some of its fans' favorite theories regarding the fate of the plane, including whether it was abducted by aliens or is in Anderson Cooper's backyard.

"You'll just have to tune in to find out," he said.

CNN also announced a spin-off program that will feature flight simulator correspondents Martin Savidge and Mitchell Casado reenacting notable plane crashes from the past.

Commented Davies: "People have really taken to Savidge and Casado's pieces, and they'll get a lot more of the two as they recreate such memorable aircraft accidents as Air France Flight 447, PSA-182, and the Beechcraft crash that took the lives of Buddy Holly, Richie Valens and the Big Bopper."

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Message: 3
Date: Thu, 08 May 2014 08:50:48 -0400
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: 10 Ways GA guns and gals are alike <sexual innuendos>

Georgians find girlfriends and guns to be alike in many ways. With both:
1. You keep your finger on the trigger and apply slow, even pressure until it goes off.
2. In certain positions, you need to keep the butt tight against your shoulder.
3. You must always be careful to discharge safely.
4. If you want to go to the trouble, you always have the option to load your own.
5. You always handle as if loaded and likely to go off without warning for no reason at all ... no reason at all.
6. You must carefully clean after each use.
7. You frequently need to apply oils and lubricants.
8. The truck is the most convenient location.
9. You must always perform regular maintenance to ensure optimal performance.
10. You lend only to close friends or family.

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Message: 4
Date: Thu, 08 May 2014 15:33:59 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Girls' Night Out <adultish>

Q: What does a woman say to her husband when she's having a orgasm?
A: Nothing. He's at home with the kids.

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert