The Humor List
 

Digest for Sunday, May 04, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. The Wrong Class (George Matyjewicz)
2. Clocks (Anna Welander) DELETED - PUBLISHED 04/25/2014
3. Business Ethics (Phil G)
4. Top Ways To Get Out Of Jury Duty (Anna Welander)
5. Murderous Neighbor (Language) (Anna Welander)
6. Sewing Machine Ad (Anna Welander)
7. Once A Pilot, Always A Pilot <adultish> (Paul Benoit)
8. The paratrooper <adult> (Maurizio Mariotti)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Sun, 4 May 2014 12:17:37 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: The Wrong Class

The current scandals over how large companies have been cooking the books reminds me of a basic accounting course I took years ago.

The professor was explaining an accounting method called First In, Last Out, which is useful for industries that accumulate large inventories of stuff. It explains why the oil industry, for example, reported huge profits during the 1970s, when the oil shortage occurred.

They stopped buying oil, so they had to use oil that, on paper, had been purchased in the 1930s at 20 cents a barrel. They, of course, sold it at current market prices, which accounted for their huge profits.

One of the students put up his hand and said, "Excuse me, sir, but that doesn't sound very ethical to me."

To which the professor replied, "You're in the wrong class, son. This is Accounting 101. Ethics 101 is down the hall."

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Message: 2
Date: Sun, 4 May 2014 18:35:05 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Clocks DELETED - PUBLISHED 04/25/2014

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Message: 3
Date: Sun, 04 May 2014 13:57:54 -0400
From: Phil G
Subject: Business Ethics

A store owner is schooling his son in how to operate the business. "One of the most important things in business, son, is ethics," he explains. "You have to run your business ethically."

"What do you mean, Pop?" asks the son.

"Well, I'll give you an example," says the father. "Yesterday, an old and valued customer came into the store, bought something for a few bucks, and gave me a $100 bill. He quite obviously thought he was giving me a ten. So, immediately, a question of ethics arose."

"And what was that, Pop?" asks the son.

The father explains: "Should I tell my partner, or not?"

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Message: 4
Date: Sun, 4 May 2014 21:10:04 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Top Ways To Get Out Of Jury Duty

- Ask if you can listen to your iPod during the trial.
- Propose to the defendant. When the person says, "No," reply: "Well I know how I'll be voting."
- Apply for a job at the court that wants to hire you as a juror.
- Start a Conga line with the other jurors.
- Wear 3-D glasses.
- Mimic everything the defense lawyer does. Please note: this will not only get you excused, it will also get you a psychological evaluation.
- Refer to the judge as Big Daddy.
- When they use big words like, homicide, act like you need to look it up in the dictionary.
- Show up dressed in a clown suit.
- During the prosecution's opening statements stand up and yell, "That's enough for me, let's hang 'em."
- Ask the judge where they keep the salad bar.
- During the trial read a book. Every now and then look up and say, "You don't say."
- When you go out to dinner tell the waiter, "Don't worry the judge is picking up the tab."
- Every day come dressed as a different member of the Walt Disney family so that you'll stand out in the artist sketches.
- Keep winking at the defense lawyer.
- Insist that the lawyers pipe the theme music from Perry Mason into the court room before the trial starts.
- Ask the judge if they allow cameras in the court room because you would really like to take pictures.
- Have a pizza delivered to the witness stand.
- Call several publishers and say you might have a book deal.
- During deliberations use the phrase, "Eeeny, Meany, Miney, Moe."
- When the defense lawyer starts his case stand up and yell, "I object."
By Charles M. Sevilla

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Message: 5
Date: Sun, 4 May 2014 21:26:13 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Murderous Neighbor (Language)

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw."

From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"

"Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You tightwad!" blurts the spectator.

"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"You cheap son of a ... ," the spectator starts to shout.

The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?"

"I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"

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Message: 6
Date: Sun, 4 May 2014 21:51:48 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Sewing Machine Ad

The following is an ad from a newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.

MONDAY:
For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY:
Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read: "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."

WEDNESDAY:
Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale -- R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

THURSDAY:
Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I intentionally broke it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she has now quit.

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Message: 7
Date: Mon, 5 May 2014 06:33:50 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Once A Pilot, Always A Pilot? <adultish>

During a commercial airline flight an Air Force pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby ... and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum!"

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Message: 8
Date: Mon, 05 May 2014 15:36:21 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: The paratrooper <adult>

A young paratrooper went for his first jump from an airplane. Afterwards, he called his father to tell him the news.

"We got in the plane, and the sergeant opened the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane."

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.

"Not yet. The sergeant started to grab the other men, one at a time, and throw them out the door. I was the last man left."

"Did you jump then?" asked the father.

"No, I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this up your ass.'"

"So, did you jump?" asked the father.

"Well, a little, at first, but then I got used to it."

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