The Humor List

Digest for Friday, May 02, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Another Song? (George Matyjewicz)
2. Appropriate preparations (Richard Nehrbass)
3. Dear Diary <adult> (Maurizio Mariotti)
4. Oh, So Lonely (Paul Benoit)
5. The Decision (Stan Kegel)

Message: 1
Date: Fri, 2 May 2014 13:37:31 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Another Song?

Ralphie was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den.

The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For Pete's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"

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Message: 2
Date: Fri, 02 May 2014 18:43:49 -0700
From: Richard Nehrbass
Subject: Appropriate preparations

You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.

By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds is considered "mentally unstable."

In Michigan, he'd be called, "The last white guy still living in Detroit ."

In Arizona, he'd be called, "an avid gun collector."

In Arkansas, he'd be called, "a novice gun collector."

In Utah, he'd be called, "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food."

In Kansas, he'd be, "A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend."

In Montana, he'd be called, "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."

In Alabama, he'd be called, "a likely gubernatorial candidate."

In Georgia, he'd be called, "an eligible bachelor."

In North Carolina, Virginia, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky and South Carolina he would be called, "a deer hunting buddy."

And in Texas he'd just be, "Bubba, who's a little short on ammo."

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Message: 3
Date: Sat, 03 May 2014 11:39:17 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Dear Diary <adult>

[Excerpted from MM's secret diary]

Dear Diary,
I still remember when I was 17 and necking with Maria. I said to her, "Maria can I put my finger in your bellybutton?"

Maria said "No!"

I asked her again, "Maria can I put my finger in your bellybutton?"

Maria said "No!"

I persisted. "Maria can I put my finger in your bellybutton?"

Maria said "OK."

A minute later Maria said, "Maurizio, that's not my bellybutton!!!"

I said, ''Surprise, Surprise! That's not my finger either.''

Maria said, "I didn't think so. It feels like a toothpick."

And that's how spent a lifetime telling women that size does not matter.

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Message: 4
Date: Sat, 3 May 2014 07:08:49 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Oh, So Lonely

My wife was out of town and I was feeling a little lonely, so I paid a hooker to come over and fall asleep on my couch at 9:00.

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Message: 5
Date: Sat, 3 May 2014 05:31:12 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: The Decision

A hardworking female executive dies and meets St. Peter at the pearly gates and he says, "You've shown an outstanding aptitude for making business decisions. Choose whether you will go to heaven or to hell."

"I don't know!" she flounders.

"Tell you what," St. Peter says, "You can have 24 hours in heaven and 24 hours in hell. Then you have to decide where to spend eternity."

"Okay then," she says. "I'll start with heaven since I'm here already."

She goes in the pearly gates and makes some acquaintances. They have a nice walk among beautiful gardens. They have a nice quiet lunch. They have a nice stroll along a pristine, white, sandy beach looking out on brilliant blue ocean. At the end of the day she is shown to a nice room, and has a quiet meal on the balcony, looking out over the setting sun and the ocean. She marvels at the scenic beauty of heaven.

The next morning, St. Peter takes her to the fiery gates of hell and hands her off to Satan.

Satan takes her to a power breakfast given in her honor. Then she is escorted to a tennis club where she is greeted by her old boss, some co-workers, and previous business acquaintances. She plays a few sets of tennis and catches up on the gossip. At lunchtime her old boss takes her to a gourmet restaurant and she has an excellent meal with vintage wine.

After lunch he takes her to an exclusive golf course and they play 18 holes of golf. She runs into other business acquaintances and catches up on news and gossip.

After golf, he drops her at a spa where she is pampered and spoiled by beauty and body treatments. When she is finished at the spa, an acquaintance takes her shopping at designer stores. She picks out a fabulous evening gown, and Satan himself takes her to a huge party with drinking, dancing, gourmet food, and famous people.

At the end of the evening, a stretch limo drops her off at a five-star hotel. As she soaks in the Jacuzzi tub, and sips the complimentary champagne, she ponders eternity.

The next morning, she meets St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Well, have you made your decision?" He asks.

"I've decided on hell," she announces.

"So be it." St Peter waves goodbye and she reappears before the fiery gates of hell.

Once inside she is teamed up with her old boss again, only this time everyone is wearing rags. They are filthy, diseased, malnourished, and living in a barren desert. They have to scrounge for food, water, clothing, even shade.

"What happened!?!" She exclaimed.

"Well," said her boss, "Yesterday you were a recruit. Today you are staff."

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert