The Humor List
 

Digest for Monday, April 28, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. What Things On Your Resume Really Mean (Anna Welander)
2. Walter (yuk!) (George Matyjewicz)
3. Change of climate (Lee Bradley)
4. BINGO (Paul Benoit)
5. Science (Topolski, Leonard P.)
6. Groaner du jour (Maurizio Mariotti)
7. Face-to-face <political> (Lee Bradley)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Mon, 28 Apr 2014 18:54:43 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: What Things On Your Resume Really Mean

I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS: I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft Office.

I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.

I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED: I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.

I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.

I'M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.

I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.

MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS: You're probably looking for someone more experienced.

I AM ADAPTABLE: I've changed jobs a lot.

I AM ON THE GO: I'm never at my desk.

I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING: I'm a college drop-out.

I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS: I've been accused of sexual harassment.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION: Wait! Don't throw me away!

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON: Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

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Message: 2
Date: Mon, 28 Apr 2014 13:14:21 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Walter (yuk!)

At eighty years young, it was getting harder for Walter to take care of himself so his family decided that a nursing for the aged would be the best place for him.

Of course the old man rejected the idea, but eventually he was convinced that it was the right thing to do. On his first day at the home, he spent most of his time lying in bed reflecting on life, feeling lonely. A while later, an orderly stopped by to see how Walter's first day was going.

"How you doing today?" she said to the old man. "First day I see."

Walter nodded.

In no time the two began talking up a storm. As the conversation began to drag on, the orderly was eyeing the room filled with fresh flowers, cards and balloons from friends and relatives. She noticed a bowl full of peanuts sitting on top of the table next to the bed, and help herself to a handful.

As the two continued to converse with each other, the orderly kept eating more helpings of the peanuts. She look at her watch and noticed that nearly 2 hours had passed and said, "My goodness, the time has gone by quickly. I have to tend to other people here too."

"That's okay." Walter replied, "I feel so much better being able to talk to someone."

Looking into the bowl the orderly said, "I feel awful! I ate almost all of your peanuts!"

"That's okay," responded Walter, "Ever since I got these false teeth, all I could do was suck the chocolate off of them anyhow."

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Message: 3
Date: Mon, 28 Apr 2014 15:39:43 -0400
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: Change of climate

A Ukrainian farmer is out walking in his field and runs upon a Russian surveyor who is planting stakes in the field. "What are you doing in my field," asks the farmer.

Says the surveyor, "I'm correcting the border here."

Asks the farmer, "What border?"

"The border between Russia and Ukraine is all messed up," explains the surveyor.

"...And my house," asks the farmer, "which side of the border is it on now?"

"It's on the Russian side, of course," says the surveyor. "Iis that a problem?"

"Oh, no, not at all," says the farmer. "Why, just this morning my wife was saying 'I hate to think that I have to spend another bloody freezing winter in Ukraine!'"

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Message: 4
Date: Tue, 29 Apr 2014 06:30:51 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: BINGO

[excerpted from The Old Perfesser's diary]

Dear Diary,
Does Bingo count as weekly church attendance?

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Message: 5
Date: Tue, 29 Apr 2014 08:06:51 -0500
From: Topolski, Leonard P.
Subject: Science

Never trust an atom.
They make up everything.

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Message: 6
Date: Tue, 29 Apr 2014 15:11:58 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Groaner du jour

Q. What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A. A pouch potato.

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Message: 7
Date: Tue, 29 Apr 2014 09:26:27 -0400
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: Face-to-face <political>

The remaining G-7 finally agree on a summit conference at which they call Putin to account for his annexation of the Crimea and for his troops' incursions into and occupation of Ukrainian lands. The leaders pop question after question at Putin, who has been been treated like the accused at a murder trial. All he says is, "Not my troops, is wearing no insignia, must be patriots who want to liberate their fellows whose mother tongue is that of Mother Russia." Over and over again: "Not my troops, is wearing no insignia, must be patriots who want to liberate their fellows whose mother tongue is that of Mother Russia."

Finally, it comes the turn of President Obama to question Putin: "How do you explain the invaders' occupation of Ukrainian administrative buildings and the killing of innocent Ukrainian citizens?"

Putin answers: "Oh, yeah? And you Americans, you're still discriminating against Blacks, like Don Sterling does, aren't you?"

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