The Humor List
 

Digest for Sunday, April 27, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Things You'll Never Hear a Mother Say (George Matyjewicz)
2. Excuses, Excuses (Paul Benoit)
3. Dear Diary (Maurizio Mariotti)
4. Theater Seats for Seniors (Lanny Julian)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2014 16:42:23 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Things You'll Never Hear a Mother Say

- "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
- "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too."
- "Just leave all the lights on. It makes the house look more cheery."
- "Let me smell that shirt. Yeah, it's good for another week."
- "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day."
- "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's okay, that's good enough for me."
- "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."
- "I don't have a tissue with me, just use your sleeve."
- "Don't bother wearing a jacket. The wind chill is bound to improve."

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Message: 2
Date: Mon, 28 Apr 2014 06:28:10 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Excuses, Excuses

More Out-Of-Office Replies For When You're Wasting Time In The Office

- I'm away from my computer but still available to gchat if it's not about work.

- I will be extremely busy reviewing the previous 12 to 15 years of my life in an attempt to determine how I ended up in this job.

- I will have limited access to email in the sense that playing World of Warcraft eats up so much bandwidth that trying to check my email will probably crash my computer.

- I will get back to you as soon as I can unless you're the coworker who is compulsively harassing me in which case I'll get back to you when I feel like it, asshole.

- I will be in astonishingly pointless back-to-back meetings until the day is pretty much shot at which point I won't get back to you because I'll need to do my actual work.

- I'll be covertly updating my resume for the next two or three hours and not responding to email unless people have a decent job lead for me.

- I'm whatever man had som drinks at a lunch bar and tired now so i AM here nothing is WRONG stop askin yes smell like booze from las night i told u

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Message: 3
Date: Mon, 28 Apr 2014 15:53:48 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Dear Diary

[Excerpted from MM's secret diary]

Dear Diary,
After months and months of therapy sessions with a qualified psychologist, I came to the conclusion that Freud is obsessed with my mother.

Pervert!

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Message: 4
Date: Mon, 28 Apr 2014 10:15:49 -0400
From: Lanny Julian
Subject: Theater Seats for Seniors

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success. Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"

"Fred," the old man moaned.

"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With a terrible grunt in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied, "The balcony."

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