The Humor List
 

Digest for Saturday, April 26, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Bumper Snickers (More of them) (Anna Welander)
2. Puns of the Day 04-25-14 (Stan Kegel)
3. The Contest <religious> (George Matyjewicz)
4. She Made It (Paul Benoit)
5. In the nudist colony <adultish> (Maurizio Mariotti)
6. Shorthand Texting For Seniors (Anna Welander)
7. I've Learned (Anna Welander)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Sat, 26 Apr 2014 23:01:20 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Bumper Snickers (More of them)

- Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your butt?
- If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
- Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're a jerk.
- 100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
- Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
- You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
- DON'T MAKE ME ANGRY! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.
- You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT!
- Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!
- Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
- My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
- GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN.
- All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
- Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
- I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
- WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

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Message: 2
Date: Sat, 26 Apr 2014 18:27:44 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: Puns of the Day 04-25-14

Making crockery really appeals
To the artisan, but his wife feels
He is moving too slow.
So she says, "You should know
That you simply are spinning your wheels."
(Kirk Miller)

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What's the nature of your emergency? Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart. Dispatcher: Is this her first child? Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband.

For-profit prisons are a growth industry and some entrepreneurs in Alaska have proposed the construction of a large penal institution in the chilly wilds of their state. The idea has some merit and support but it has sparked some debate. Admittedly the plan does have lots of frozen cons. (Gary Hallock)

There is no profit in atheism.

After 5 years with the same chiropractor, I moved and had to change doctors. It was quite an adjustment. (Marilyn L. Van Driesen)

When you beat heavy cream, it becomes much butter.

I find meditating on Descartes and Houdini so liberating, but the reason escapes me. (Mike Bull)

Found a bag of pot in my son's bedroom. "Is there something you'd like to share with me?" I asked. He replied, "No. I only have enough for one joint." (Tim McRaw)

There was a young lady named Hall,
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
The dress caught fire,
And burned her entire
Front page, sports section, and all

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Message: 3
Date: Sat, 26 Apr 2014 22:19:08 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: The Contest <religious>

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed G-d. They picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.

The scientist walked up to G-d and said, "G-d, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."

G-d listened patiently and kindly to the man and after the scientist was done talking, G-d said, "Very well! How about this? Let's have a man making contest."

To which the man replied, "OK, great!"

But G-d added, "Now we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."

The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

G-d just looked at him and said, "Put down my dirt!"

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Message: 4
Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2014 08:09:26 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: She Made It

Just as the graveside service had ended, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder.

The little old widower looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."

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Message: 5
Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2014 15:50:13 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: In the nudist colony <adultish>

A young girl goes to her doctor. The doctor runs some tests and tells her she is pregnant.

The girl says, "I can't be! The only men I've been around are nudists from my colony, and we only practice sex with our eyes."

"Well, my dear," says the doctor, "Someone in that colony must be cockeyed."

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Message: 6
Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2014 17:07:53 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Shorthand Texting For Seniors

DWI: Driving while Incontinent.
OMG: Oy, My Grandchildren!
IMHMO In my HMO
RULKM: Are you Leaving Kids Money?
TGIF: Thank Goodness It's Four (Four O'clock - Early Bird Special)
FYI: For Your Indigestion.
JK: Just Kvetching.
TTYL: Talk to You Louder.
MGAD: My Grandson's A Doctor.
SUS: Speak Up, Sonny.
WIWYA: When I Was Your Age.
GOML: Get Off My Lawn.

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Message: 7
Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2014 17:19:34 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: I've Learned

...that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
...that no matter how much I care, some people are just jerks.
...that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
...that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big secret or huge tracts of land.
...that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more messed up than you think.
...that you can keep hurling long after you think you're finished.
...that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
...that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
...that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.
...that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.
...that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
...that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
...to say "Punk 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.

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