The Humor List
 

Digest for Friday, April 25, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Grandma's Recipe (George Matyjewicz)
2. Finding your seat (Anna Welander)
3. More ways to be annoying (Anna Welander)
4. Why Teachers Drink <long> (Mickey)
5. From a Geek's Android Tutorial (Phil G)
6. Medieval pick-up lines <adultish innuendoes> (Maurizio Mariotti)
7. Lie Clocks <political> (Mickey)
8. The Morning After (Stan Kegel)
9. Cheers!! <political> (Paul Benoit)
10. Putin modernizes things <political> (Lee Bradley)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Fri, 25 Apr 2014 12:19:43 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Grandma's Recipe

Suzanne was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking. Her friend asked her, "Why did you cut off the end of the ham"?

She replied, "I really don't know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to." Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied, "I really don't know, but that's the way my mom always did it."

A few weeks later, while visiting her grandmother, Suzanne asked, "Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?"

Her grandmother replied, "Well dear, it would never fit into my baking pan."

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Message: 2
Date: Fri, 25 Apr 2014 18:42:19 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Finding your seat

Returning to her seat after visiting the restroom, the woman asked a man at the end of the row, "Pardon me, but did I step on your foot before?"

Expecting an apology, the man said, "It so happens you did."

The woman nodded. "Good. Then this is my row."

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Message: 3
Date: Fri, 25 Apr 2014 18:55:49 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: More ways to be annoying

Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".

Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."

Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture".

Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.

Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

Never make eye contact.

Never break eye contact.

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Make appointments for the 31st of September.

Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

Forward e-mails back to the person that sent it to you.

Go to the librarians and complain that somebody has touched your newspaper and you need your morning newspaper pristine and unread.

Demand lemon in the water from the water cooler. And ice. You must have ice.

Look amazed every time you sit in a chair with wheels and then proceed to spend the next half an hour wheeling around shouting "Jolly good invention! Chair and wheels, who'd of thought it?"

Every time the clock strikes the hour shout "One less hour till your work is due, the deadline is approaching! We are doomed! We are doomed!"

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Message: 4
Date: Fri, 25 Apr 2014 09:05:26 -1000
From: Mickey
Subject: Why Teachers Drink <long>

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination. These are genuine answers from 16 year olds.

Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow.

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized, e.g. the abdomen?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby.

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'.
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shriek wears on his head. Once a Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.

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Message: 5
Date: Fri, 25 Apr 2014 15:13:17 -0400
From: Phil G
Subject: From a Geek's Android Tutorial

When you brought your Android phone home from the store, it felt blazing fast. Now, it takes a long time just to return to the home screen from your email inbox. If the phone makes you wait five seconds to open the browser again, you may test out the Gorilla glass display with a hammer.

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Message: 6
Date: Sat, 26 Apr 2014 11:12:51 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Medieval pick-up lines <adultish innuendoes>

* I'm looking for a cave to rest my dragon in.
* You're plague-free, I'm plague-free. We were destined to meet.
* How would you like to sire a bastard? You can tell your friends about it well into your hag years.
* Want to grab something to eat? I know this serf who makes the most amazing gruel.
* Your poorly thatched hut or mine?
* I'm a knight and I'd like to help you out of dis-dress.
* I love jousting and I'm known for my thrusting.
* I have a built-in lance - They call me Lance-a-lot.

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Message: 7
Date: Fri, 25 Apr 2014 23:23:13 -1000
From: Mickey
Subject: Lie Clocks <political>

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."

"'Oh," said the man. "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's," replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where is Mayor Rob Ford's clock?"' asked the man.

St. Peter replied, "Oh We're using it as a ceiling fan."

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Message: 8
Date: Sat, 26 Apr 2014 05:15:06 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: The Morning After

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son ... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table -- $239.99.
Hot Breakfast -- $4.20.
Two Aspirins -- $0.38.
Saying the right thing, at the right time -- PRICELESS!

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Message: 9
Date: Sat, 26 Apr 2014 08:34:17 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Cheers!! <political>

Here's to Bill Clinton's DNA spreading on to a new generation instead of a dress.

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Message: 10
Date: Sat, 26 Apr 2014 08:34:51 -0400
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: Putin modernizes things <political>

Putin realizes that the Old Ways are rapidly changing in the Russian Federation and also that he must do something to mollify the Western Powers. So he sends his sociology experts on a scouting trip to find new ideas for the pleasure and comfort of Russian citizens and to attract Ukrainians.

When they report, Putin has the Minister of Leisure open up a gigantic night spot on the busiest thoroughfare in Moscow, even with a strip tease show 24/7. After three months, Putin says, "I don't understand. We're serving real caviar and the best vodka at half-price. The room is nearly empty every night. It's a disaster. I'm sure there's nothing wrong with the strippers. They've been vetted; every one of them has been a Party Member since 1953."

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