The Humor List

Digest for Monday, April 21, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Sports Opinion Column Humor (Phil G)
2. Aphrodisiacs (Topolski, Leonard P.)
3. Gender equality (Offensive to Women/Political) (Topolski, Leonard P.)
4. Notes to the Milkman (Maurizio Mariotti)
5. It's Like I'm A Magnet (Paul Benoit)
6. The Shoulder (Stan Kegel)

Message: 1
Date: Mon, 21 Apr 2014 18:58:15 -0400
From: Phil G
Subject: Sports Opinion Column Humor

From Phil Mushnick, on the NY Yankees baseball team executing a triple play a few nights ago.

ESPN Radio national updater Jay Reynolds on Friday played [moronic, self-promoting Yankees radio announcer] John Sterling's call from the night before, a call that concluded with, "a triple play that ends the inning!"

To which Reynolds deadpanned, "as the vast majority of triple plays tend to do."

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Message: 2
Date: Mon, 21 Apr 2014 23:08:42 -0500
From: Topolski, Leonard P.
Subject: Aphrodisiacs <stereotyping>

A guy offers to buy a drink for an attractive young woman seated at a bar. She gives him the green light, so he goes to the end of the bar and whispers to the bartender to make up a Martini for her and to put some Spanish-fly in the drink. The bartender whispers back to say he's all out of Spanish-fly and all he has left is Jewish-fly.

Shrugging his shoulders, the guy says, "OK, put some of that in her drink."

As she sips on the drink, she gets more and more cozy, really warming up to the guy. Finally, she finishes the drink, leans over and whispers in his ear, "Let's go shopping."

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Message: 3
Date: Tue, 22 Apr 2014 01:37:35 -0500
From: Topolski, Leonard P.
Subject: Gender equality (Offensive to Women/Political)

I for one am SO glad that our president has taken time out of his busy schedule to start addressing the serious issue of gender equality. We need ALL outcomes to be EXACTLY the same, regardless of gender. So, I'm waiting for hear his proposals for the following:

93% of workplace fatalities are men. We need to get more women involved in workplace injuries.

Men at age 22 have a life expectancy 6 years lower than women at a similar age. This is unfair! Until we find a way to lengthen the life expectancy of men, we may need to shorten that of women. Anything else causes societal inequity and chaos!

Because of the above, men pay higher life insurance premiums than women. Since we may feel uncomfortable euthanizing women, we should at least ask females to subsidize men's life insurance premiums. It's only fair.

Oh, and young men's auto insurance premiums are higher than women's. So what if they drive more aggressively and get into more accidents? The ACA has already set the precedent that insurance premiums should never be tied to costs; if single men have to purchase maternity care, women should have to pay for young men's bad driving habits.

Don't even get me started on Ladies' Night at the local bar. No cover charge and half price beer? We need to end this travesty ASAP!

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Message: 4
Date: Tue, 22 Apr 2014 09:15:49 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Notes to the Milkman

Notes left in milk bottles. For those of us who remember milk deliveries in bottles, here is a good example of a collection of notes left in milk bottles. (Purported to be real. Yeah, right. - MM)

Dear milkman:
* I've just had a baby, please leave another one.
* Please leave an extra pint of paralyzed milk.
* Cancel one pint after the day after today.
* Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
* Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.
* Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.
* Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.
* Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.
* Sorry about yesterday's note .. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.
* When you leave my milk please knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.
* Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea? (When my husband is not in. - MM)
* My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?
* Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbor told me.
* Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.
* Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.
* From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.
* My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.
* Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.
* Milkman, please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don't leave any milk.
* No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.

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Message: 5
Date: Tue, 22 Apr 2014 06:30:15 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: It's Like I'm A Magnet

[excerpted from The Old Perfesser's diary]

Dear Diary,
I keep losing weight, but it keeps finding me.
And bringing friends, too.

- The Old Perfesser

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Message: 6
Date: Tue, 22 Apr 2014 03:54:31 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: The Shoulder

Hurt her shoulder; the priest said, "Please point
Where it hurts so that I can anoint
It with holy water. "Then the padre fought her
When the woman got all out of joint.
Hurt her shoulder real bad, did agree
Chiropractor quite soon she should see.
The joint's separated;
She's not real elated.
To the doc she'll say, "Socket to me!"
"When you finish your treatment," he told her
"I'll put ice in a special cloth holder
That I gently will drop
On your arm at the top,
And you surely will get the cold shoulder."
(3 verses by Kirk Miller)

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Douglas Harter
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