The Humor List
 

Digest for Sunday, April 20, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Relationship (Emko Witteveen)
2. The Moonwalk (George Matyjewicz)
3. Wedded bliss <adultish> (Lee Bradley)
4. He'll Be Back <poss blasphemous> (Paul Benoit)
5. Navy humor (Topolski, Leonard P.)
6. English Asylum for the Verbally Insane (Lanny Julian)
7. Quandary or Karma? <insensitive> (Maurizio Mariotti)
8. Nobody Thought To Ask? (Paul Benoit)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Sun, 20 Apr 2014 11:27:16 -0600
From: Emko Witteveen
Subject: Relationship

An old couple gets pulled over and...
Lady cop - "May I see you license and registration sir?"
Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"
Old wife - "She needs to see you license and registration dear."
The old man hands it to the lady cop and...
Lady cop - "Oh, I see you are from New York. I used to have a lover from New York, he was the worst lover I ever had."
Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"
Old wife - "Nothing dear, She thinks she used to know you."
++++++++++++++++

MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX! Please, don't drink and derive.
Mathematicians Against Drunk Deriving

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Message: 2
Date: Sun, 20 Apr 2014 14:10:24 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: The Moonwalk

My niece's class assignment was to interview a senior citizen about his or her life, so she asked me, "What was the biggest historical event that happened during your childhood?"

"I'd have to say the moonwalk," I replied.

She looked disappointed. "That dance was that important to you?"

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Message: 3
Date: Sun, 20 Apr 2014 14:28:57 -0400
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: Wedded bliss <adultish>

The bridal couple had just spent their wedding night at a local hotel and had returned to the bride's parents' house to gather up her things for the honeymoon trip.

"Oh, my dear, how wonderful. I am really looking forward to grandkids," said her mother.

"Oh, mama," said the bride, "I'm afraid that I might have sextuplets."

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Message: 4
Date: Sun, 20 Apr 2014 17:22:21 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: He'll Be Back <poss blasphemous>

Q: What did Jesus tell the Chicago Cubs?
A: "Don't do anything until I get back."

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Message: 5
Date: Sun, 20 Apr 2014 17:26:10 -0500
From: Topolski, Leonard P.
Subject: Navy humor

Flying into a Middle East airport, my co-pilot and I reviewed our flight plan for the trip back to the USS Enterprise. We were to pick up a Navy captain, and experience had taught me that even seasoned vets turn white-knuckled during carrier landings.

Once the captain was strapped in, I turned around to welcome him aboard. "Sir," I asked, "will this be your first carrier landing?"

Looking at me with disdain, he opened his inflatable vest to display gold wings above five rows of ribbons. "Son," he said, "I have over 500 carrier landings in jet fighters."

"That's good to hear," my co-pilot said, winking at me, "because this will be our first."

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Message: 6
Date: Sun, 20 Apr 2014 20:57:57 -0400
From: Lanny Julian
Subject: English Asylum for the Verbally Insane <long>

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
but though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.
We take English for granted.
But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one
of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns down,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out,
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

So if Father is Pop, how come Mother isn't Mop

And that is just the beginning - even though this is the end.
Anon E Mous

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Message: 7
Date: Mon, 21 Apr 2014 09:04:13 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Quandary or Karma? <insensitive>

Please spare a thought for the man who told his wife he was going on a business trip to China on that Malaysian Airlines Flight No MH. 370 and now can't come out of his girlfriend's apartment.

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Message: 8
Date: Mon, 21 Apr 2014 06:37:51 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Nobody Thought To Ask?

Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes
and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you ...

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