The Humor List
 

Digest for Saturday, April 19, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Learning Numbers (George Matyjewicz)
2. Be careful what you say (Topolski, Leonard P.)
3. Quit Golf? (Mickey) DELETED - PUBLISHED 4/17/2014
4. 8 Ways to make Easter suck less <language> (Paul Benoit)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Sat, 19 Apr 2014 21:08:11 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Learning Numbers

The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three?"

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

"A jack," says the little boy.

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Message: 2
Date: Sat, 19 Apr 2014 20:53:27 -0500
From: Topolski, Leonard P.
Subject: Be careful what you say

It reminds me of my last visit to the local pet store. They were having a "Kitten Adoption Day," so I decided to check out the cats before shopping. While I was looking at the kittens, a clerk walked up and asked, "May I help you?"

I replied, "No thanks. I'm just getting a toy for my dogs."

The clerk got really upset, and it took me a moment to realize what she was thinking.

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Message: 3
Date: Sat, 19 Apr 2014 16:01:39 -1000
From: Mickey
Subject: Quit Golf? DELETED - PUBLISHED 4/17/2014

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Message: 4
Date: Sun, 20 Apr 2014 07:59:07 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: 8 Ways to make Easter suck less <language>

http://happyplace.someecards.com/30666/8-ways-to-make-easter-suck-less

When it comes to the great Christmas versus Easter debate, Christmas wins every time. But it doesn't have to be that way. Here are 8 ways to make Easter less of a suckfest:

1) MORE PRESENTS
If we can make one holiday celebrating the redemption of humankind about buying stuff, surely we can do the same for a second. There are plenty of stuffed bunnies and crap-filled gift baskets in our stores, but I think we owe it to ourselves to do a better job of making Easter about rampant consumerism. Specifically, iPads. I'd definitely look forward to Easter if everyone got a new iPad.

2) BETTER FOOD
Glazed ham has long been the signature food of Easter lunch, but as a nation, we're frankly sick of glazed ham. Why not Mexican food? An Easter taco bar sounds delicious, and what holiday wouldn't benefit from more guac and margs? (And don't be all like "hot cross buns," because you know those would never win in a fight with a plate of Christmas cookies.)

3) MORE NEON
Pastels are for babies and country club moms.

4) COOLER MASCOT
Aside from essentially being a human-sized rodent (I know. Bunnies aren't rodents. Cool your dumb jets), the Easter Bunny has never had the cachet of Santa Claus. Name one movie about the Easter Bunny. The only one that springs to mind is Donnie Darko, which isn't even about the Easter Bunny, but still proves my point, which is that giant rabbits are creepy as shit. My suggestion? A tall, dark stranger played by George Clooney, who comes to everyone's house on Easter Eve and gives them a massage.

5) MORE TIME OFF SCHOOL AND WORK
Is this a real holiday or is this some Presidents Day bullshit? If Easter wants to be taken seriously, we should be getting at least a week off from work or school. Visiting family during that week should be optional, and all the airlines should have sales on flights to Bermuda.

6) LESS FAMILY TIME, MORE SKYDIVING
Speaking of family time, it seems like Christmas just about has that covered. Instead of going home for the holidays again, Easter could be about spending some quality time trying out extreme sports. What better way to remind ourselves that Christ is risen than by surfing some gnarly waves?

7) BETTER EGG HUNT REWARDS
Jelly beans and garbage chocolate are satisfactory if you're a child, but adults expect better prizes if they're going to go to the trouble of stealing some kid's egg hunt winnings. How about mini liquor bottles, tickets to a Flyers game, or someone's (valid) HBO Go password? That would quickly make me forget all about the fact that George Clooneys don't lay eggs!

8) MORE CONSISTENT DATE
This year, Easter falls on April 20th. Last year, it was March 31st. Next year, it's April 5th. Make up your mind, Easter! Guess what day Christmas is on this year? December f*cking 25th, just like every year. Because Christmas rules, and Easter totally sucks.

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