The Humor List
 

Digest for Friday, April 18, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. I Hate To Correct You, But... (George Matyjewicz)
2. The Secret Air Base (Anna Welander)
3. Evaluation Excerpts (Anna Welander)
4. That's why (Anna Welander)
5. All Lawyers Are Jerks (Off to lawyers and ... well, jerks) (Anna Welander)
6. Kids' Books You'll Never See (Oh, some are horrible and adult!) (Anna Welander)
7. Speeding Rumors <long> (Anna Welander)
8. Golf Signs <sexual innuendos> (Anna Welander)
9. The Momma gram <adultish/long> (Anna Welander)
10. *Whoopsy!!* (Anna Welander)
11. Roman drivers (Anna Welander)
12. A Yard (Anna Welander)
13. How To Be Really Annoying (Anna Welander)
14. New watch (Anna Welander)
15. DUCKS IN HEAVEN (Mickey)
16. New to America (Maurizio Mariotti)
17. The Plane (Stan Kegel)
18. Dessert (Paul Benoit)

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Message: 1
Date: Fri, 18 Apr 2014 14:14:43 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: I Hate To Correct You, But ...

My father began teaching business classes at the local prison through a community college. On his first night of class, he started a chapter on banking. During the course of his lecture, the subject of ATMs came up and he mentioned that, on average, most machines contain only about $1,500 at a given time.

Just then, a man in the back raised his hand.

"I'm not trying to be disrespectful," he told my father, "but the machine I robbed had about $3,000 in it."

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Message: 2
Date: Fri, 18 Apr 2014 21:56:36 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: The Secret Air Base

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, told him Vegas was that-a-way and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night."

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Message: 3
Date: Fri, 18 Apr 2014 21:57:08 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Evaluation Excerpts

1. "The textbook is almost useless. I Use it to kill roaches in my room."
2."He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high."
3. "Help! I've fallen to sleep and I can't wake up."
4. "The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree."
5. "Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material."
6. "I would sit in class and stare out the window at squirrels. They've got a cool nest in a tree."
7. "Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose spraying in all directions - no way to stop it."
8. "The course was very thorough. What wasn't covered in class was covered on the final exam."

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Message: 4
Date: Fri, 18 Apr 2014 21:58:13 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: That's why

Every man needs a wife because there are a number of things that go wrong that one cannot blame on the government.

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Message: 5
Date: Fri, 18 Apr 2014 21:59:04 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: All Lawyers Are Jerks (Off to lawyers and ... well, jerks)

Having many legal problems, including a divorce, a man had become thoroughly disgusted with lawyers in general.

One evening in a bar, the conversation got around to his pet peeve and he started venting. "All lawyers are jerks," he loudly proclaimed.

Another man nearby heard this, looked disturbed, and sauntered over to him.

"Look, I heard what you said, and I am highly offended by it."

"Why is that - are you a lawyer?" he asked.

"No, I'm not. I'm a jerk!"

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Message: 6
Date: Fri, 18 Apr 2014 21:59:36 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Kids' Books You'll Never See (Oh, some are horrible and adult!)

"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
"Bi-Curious George"
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
"How to Dress Sexy"
"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North America. Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
"All Dogs Go to Hades"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say It's Just That Way"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"You Are Different and That's Bad"

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Message: 7
Date: Fri, 18 Apr 2014 22:00:10 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Speeding Rumors <long>

A police officer pulled a guy over for speeding and had the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

The trunk was opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

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Message: 8
Date: Fri, 18 Apr 2014 22:00:35 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Golf Signs <sexual innuendos>

"It takes a lot of balls to golf like I do."
"Years ago, when men cursed and beat the earth with sticks, it was called Witchcraft. Today it's called Golf."
"You are 150 yards from center of green. You are 175 yards from a $200 window. Choose your club carefully."
"Golf is not a matter of life or death. It's much more important than that."
" I shoot golf in the 70's If it gets any colder than that, I quit,"
"God is always testing your skill against your opponents luck."
"Golfers!! Please don't lick your balls ... The fairways have been sprayed with insecticides."
"I found a wood that can lower my score. It's called a pencil."
'If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt."
"Golfers Parking Only - Violators will be clubbed."
"All golfers are liars except you and me ...And sometimes I wonder about you."

"Wanted Good Woman: Must be able to clean, cook sew, caddy, and find lost balls. Must have golf cart and trailer. Please send picture of golf cart and trailer."

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Message: 9
Date: Fri, 18 Apr 2014 22:02:41 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: The Momma gram <adultish/long>

For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.

After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram.
"O.K," I said, "let's do it."

"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."

She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter's in a vise!

My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!

"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.

"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.

It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.

Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steamrolled.

If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"

This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out.

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Message: 10
Date: Fri, 18 Apr 2014 22:03:28 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: *Whoopsy!!*

A bunch of tough looking bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss. After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

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Message: 11
Date: Fri, 18 Apr 2014 22:08:10 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Roman drivers

Anyone who's ever ridden in a cab in Rome, Italy, knows they're some of the world's most brazen drivers. Oddly enough though, their current accident rate isn't all that bad.

I asked one of the drivers one day the reason for that.

"Easy," he said. "All the bad drivers are dead."

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Message: 12
Date: Fri, 18 Apr 2014 22:08:33 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: A Yard

I always took it for granted that a yard was three feet.

Then I bought a house in the country and started cutting the grass.

Now I know better!

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Message: 13
Date: Fri, 18 Apr 2014 22:09:30 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: How To Be Really Annoying

Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".
- Drum on every available surface.
- Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
- Staple papers in the middle of the page.
- Ask 800 operators for dates.
- Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
- Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
- Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
- Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
- Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
- Set alarms for random times.
- Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
- Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
- Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
- Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.
- Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
- Honk and wave to strangers.
- Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
- Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
- Tape pieces of "Sweatin' to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
- Wear your pants backwards.
- Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
- Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
- Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.

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Message: 14
Date: Fri, 18 Apr 2014 22:10:40 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: New watch

Bill: Where did you get that gold watch Joe?
Joe: I won it in a race.
Bill: How many people participated in it?
Joe: Three, a policeman, the owner of the watch, and me!!

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Message: 15
Date: Fri, 18 Apr 2014 10:10:34 -1000
From: Mickey
Subject: DUCKS IN HEAVEN

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, And although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together With the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, But one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

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Message: 16
Date: Sat, 19 Apr 2014 11:10:47 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: New to America

Maury is new to the U.S. and his co-worker Pauly is trying to bring him up to speed on things American.
Pauly: "Maury, what is McDonald's?"
Maury: :A Scottish man?"
Pauly: "No. Let's see ... what is Pizza Hut?"
Maury: "A shelter made of pizza?"
Pauly: "No. Let's see .. what is Taco Bell?"
Maury: "A Mexican telephone company?"
Pauly: "I guess we have a lot of work to do, Maury."

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Message: 17
Date: Sat, 19 Apr 2014 03:08:48 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: The Plane

Bernie, a young Jewish boy, decided he wanted to be an aeronautical engineer and build airplanes. Over the years he studied hard, went to the best schools, and finally got his degree. It didn't take long before he gained a reputation as the finest aeronautical engineer in all the land, so he decided to start his own company to build jets.

His company was such a hit that the President of the United States called Bernie into his office. "Bernie," the president said, "the President of Israel wants to commission your company to build an advanced jet fighter for his country. You have our approval -- go out and design him the best jet fighter ever made."

Needless to say, Bernie was tremendously excited at this prospect. The entire resources of his company went into building the most advanced jet fighter in history. Everything looked terrific on paper, but when they held the first test flight of the new jet, disaster struck. The wings couldn't take the strain -- they broke clean off of the fuselage! The test pilot parachuted to safety, thank G-d.

Bernie was devastated; his company redesigned the jet fighter, but the same thing happened at the next test flight -- the wings broke off again.

Beside himself with worry, Bernie went to his synagogue to pray - to ask G-d where he had gone wrong. The rabbi saw Bernie's sadness, and naturally asked him what the matter was. Bernie decided to pour his heart out to the rabbi.

After hearing the problem with the jet fighter, the rabbi put his arm on Bernie's shoulder and told him, "Listen, I know how to solve your problem. All you have to do is drill a row of holes directly above and below where the wing meets the fuselage. If you do this, I absolutely guarantee the wings won't fall off."

Bernie just smiled and thanked the rabbi for his advice.. but the more he thought about it, the more he realized he had nothing to lose. Maybe the rabbi had some holy insight.

So Bernie did exactly what the rabbi told him to do. On the next design of the jet fighter, they drilled a row of holes directly above and below where the wings met the fuselage. And it worked!! The next test flight went perfectly!

Brimming with joy, Bernie went to the synagogue to tell the rabbi that his advice had worked. "Naturally," said the rabbi, "I never doubted it would."

"But Rabbi, how did you know that drilling the holes would prevent the wings from falling off?"

"Bernie," the rabbi intoned, "I'm an old man. I've lived for many, many years and I've celebrated Passover many, many times. And in all those years, not once -- NOT ONCE -- has the matzoh broken on the perforation!"

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Message: 18
Date: Sat, 19 Apr 2014 08:30:03 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Dessert

My wife found a new recipe, for when we have the whole fandamily over ...
They're called, "Shut The Fucupcakes."

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