The Humor List
 

Digest for Tuesday, April 08, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Witnessing a Baptism (George Matyjewicz)
2. Dear Diary <adultish> (Maurizio Mariotti)
3. She Has Issues (Paul Benoit)
4. Puns of the Day 04-09-14 (Stan Kegel)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Tue, 8 Apr 2014 12:44:52 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Witnessing a Baptism

A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five-year-old daughter.

As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service.

During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five-year-old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head.

With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked with all the innocence of a five-year-old, "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby?"

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Message: 2
Date: Wed, 09 Apr 2014 11:52:27 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Dear Diary <adultish>

[Excerpted from MM's secret diary]

Dear Diary,
I accessed the Internet with my Windows XP computer after the support ended and paid the price for my carelessness as hackers downloaded hundreds of pictures of naked women into the computer's hard drive.

That's my story to Mrs. MM and I'm sticking to it.

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Message: 3
Date: Wed, 9 Apr 2014 06:40:14 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: She Has Issues

My friend sat down with a new client at her gym to review her application.

For the question "To what do you attribute your fitness issues?" the woman wrote, "Horrendous eating habits."

"What makes you answer that?" my friend asked.

The woman replied, "I can't spell atrocious."

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Message: 4
Date: Wed, 9 Apr 2014 04:13:37 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: Puns of the Day 04-09-14

In the tavern i go to are lots
Of abusers of liquor; they're sots.
And just who's in control?
It may seem rather droll
That the patrons are calling the shots.
(Kirk Miller)

My wife was raised Catholic. Until I helped her get over it, Religion was the opiate of the missus. (Rich Orwell)

All I can find is this old wrapping paper. Oh, well! I guess it'll have to do for the present.

The roulette dealer had a unique personality. He had a different spin on everything. (Mike Bull)

My girlfriend and I are talking about getting married. She keeps asking me if I can support her, but she knows I can. She's always on my back. (Scott Woodwill)

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said, "'Let us pray." We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land. (Desmond Tutu)

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your will power."

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