The Humor List

Digest for Sunday, April 06, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. The Wizard (George Matyjewicz)
2. Top 5 Signs It's Going To Be A Long Baseball Season (Paul Benoit)
3. Dear Diary <adultish> (Maurizio Mariotti)
4. Stepping Up To The Plate (Stan Kegel)
5. Ole Goes Goose Hunting <adultish> (Lanny Julian)

Message: 1
Date: Sun, 6 Apr 2014 13:22:02 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: The Wizard

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

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Message: 2
Date: Mon, 7 Apr 2014 06:15:28 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Top 5 Signs It's Going To Be A Long Baseball Season

1. The umpire's guide dog just bit the second baseman
2. Star pitcher wants to experiment throwing underhand
3. 18 errors. Not bad for the first inning
4. Star hitter just struck out in the on-deck circle
5. Bat boy claims he's a vampire
- Tim Hunter,

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Message: 3
Date: Mon, 07 Apr 2014 12:44:46 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Dear Diary Adultish>

[Excerpted from The Old Perfesser's secret diary]

Dear Diary,
This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of beer cheap at the local supermarket.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, her bra-less tits nigh on falling out her skimpy top and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"

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Message: 4
Date: Mon, 7 Apr 2014 04:57:55 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: Stepping Up To The Plate

At a party in the Hamptons one weekend given by the producer of a large network news show, one of the most famous of all on-camera personalities got something wedged in her "camera teeth." Being properly demure, she found her way to an upstairs bathroom, removed the teeth, and cleaned the offending "bit." Unfortunately, while re-inserting her pearly whites, she slipped on the tile floor. Her teeth flew out the window, clattered down the slate roof from the dormer, and lodged themselves in the gutter.

Most embarrassed, she went outside and explained to her host what had happened and asked if he had a ladder available.

"No need, ma'am, I've been experimenting with psychokinesis." He faced the roof and closed his eyes. Sure enough, the teeth rose up from the gutter, levitated across the intervening space, and landed in his hand.

A few minutes later, a hubbub arose when the neighbor's kitten, Amy, climbed a tree and immediately got stuck. Amidst shouts of "Call the Fire Department!" and "Call the SPCA," the producer said calmly, "That won't be necessary. Like the bridge of our Barbara Walters, I will Amy down."

"Stepping up to the Plate" by Bob Dvorak from "The Ants Are My Friends" by Richard Lederer & Stan Kegel (?2007
"Like a bridge over troubled water, I will lay me down" from "Bridge over Troubled Water" by Paul Simon.

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Message: 5
Date: Mon, 7 Apr 2014 11:19:30 -0400
From: Lanny Julian
Subject: Ole Goes Goose Hunting <adultish>

He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his foolish dog Dawson knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin. Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to and there was his doctor, Dr. Sven. "Vell, Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of DA buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asks Ole.

"The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you
to my sister, Lena."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. And because all you have is Obamacare, She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't pee in your eye."

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert